


Stand by me

by WasilewskiLover



Series: My Mad Fat Diary [1]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-03-21 21:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 64,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3705407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WasilewskiLover/pseuds/WasilewskiLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This chapter is divided in two parts, this is the first one.<br/>Lots of scenes between Rae and Finn.<br/>Second part coming soon.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. It felt like home

Wednesday, 10th July 1996

Dear diary,  
I'm sixteen years old, I weigh sixteen and a half stone and I live in Lincolnshire.  
My interests include music, vegging out and finding a fit boy… oh, scratch that, any boy, to quench my ever-growing horn.  
Unfortunately, I already have a lover that makes me look pregnant: food.  
The place where I live isn’t that big, and I’ve to share it with my crazy mom.  
Father? Don’t know who or where he is.  
I don’t have many friends, never actually had them, if we don’t count Tix from the psychiatric ward and Chloe. My long-life friend Chloe.  
Going out with her and some lads in a bit. I’ll tell you everything about it as soon as I get back.  
Laters…

 

It had been four months since Chloe and I hanged out, and lots of shit had happened in the process. I had always envied her for all sorts of things and I had arrived to the conclusion that we had never really been friends, but, seeing her today, with new people, made me realize how much I actually missed her. 

«Mom, I’m headed out. Won’t be home late though, yeah?»

No answer received. Of course. How did I forget about her new lover Karim?  
My bet is that they won’t last ‘til tomorrow but, who knows, right?

As I made my way towards the pub, a bunch of mother fuckers took the piss out of me. That was definitely one of the things I did not miss back at the hospital. These jerks walk freely the streets and no one, not a single person, stops to say ‘Piss off’. Life is so depressing. Lincolnshire is so depressing. I had always dreamed that someday, someone who have stood up for me, but no one ever did. Fortunately the pub was just around the corner so in a minute or two, their insults stopped bothering me. 

The moment I walked through that door, it was the moment when I finally realized what freedom really meant. Lots of people, walking, dancing, talking, drinking and nobody was paying attention to my outer look. That felt so amazing, that felt like home. 

«Babe you made it. I’m so glad to see you. Come meet the boys.»

«Glad to see you, too, Chloe. You look nice.»

«Oh, thanks babe.»

Chloe always looked nice but, in that moment, I felt so shy. Don’t know why. Maybe, it was because I didn’t know what to talk about. Me. Not knowing what to talk about. 

«Everyone this is Rae. These are Chop, Izzy, Archie and over here we have Finn.»

«Hi everyone.»

The guys seemed fine with me hanging around and I was happy to be there. For once, I had a glimpse of what happiness looked like. And it was awesome. Chop was definitely the hilarious one, always banging on about it, Izzy was probably the sweetest girl I had ever met, so kind and genuine. Finn was a solitary soul. And he was massively hot. Then, last but not least, Archie. He had all the qualities I had searched in a boy. He was fit, lovely, funny and smart, but, more importantly, he seemed enjoy my company more that I could ever imagine. He spent the entire night talking to me about absolutely everything he could come up with and, when we left the pub to go over Chippy’s, he kept staying close to me and touching my arm. I was over the moon. 

«So, what do you think about us so far?»

«You guys are fine. I’m glad Chloe called me to hang out with you.»

«I’m glad too, you know. You seem like a very nice girl. Chloe never talked to us about you. If she did, you would have being hanging with us for a long time now.»

Shocker. Chloe never talks about me with any of her friends. Fortunately now they’re my gang, too. 

«So, how was France, then? I've always wanted to check it out.»

There it was. The moment. Why, on Earth, did my mom chose France? I knew nothing about France.

«It was fine, you know. Lots of French people, croissants, the Eiffel Tower.» This was becoming so awkward. I was just putting together everything I knew about the country, without even considering those were just words put in a sentence.

«Seems like a fine place.»

Archie was definitely the sweetest lad in Lincolnshire. Even if he probably understood I didn't even know where France was, he pretended to believe me, so that I wouldn't be so embarrassed of myself. 

«So, what do you guys do when you hang?»

«Ehm, you know, normal stuff. The guys and I play soccer from time to time and the girls… well, you should ask them. But basically we hang at the pub and here at Chippy’s. Normal stuff but good stuff.»

«Sounds great stuff to me.»

It was so good to finally hang out with people of my age and have fun. I didn’t know if Archie was interested in me as a friend, or more, but it was amazing talking to a guy like him. He really understood me even if we just met. 

Our night together was over way too soon and on my way home I kept thinking about him all the time. I would have seen him the day after but I already missed him. How was that even possible?

«Shit. No way! Shit!» I had lost my keys and I was 1AM. Like hell I could wake up my mom and her boyfriend. 

«Looking for something?» A guy, on his scooter, was standing behind me, just a few inches away.  
Not just a guy. It was Finn. We hadn’t talked that much during the night so I didn’t really know why he was there. 

«Hiya. Yeah, I lost my keys so I’m trying to see if I dropped them near by. What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?»

«I’m here for your keys. You left them on the table at Chippy’s. I asked Chloe for the address, hope it’s ok.»

«Yes, sure. Ehm, thanks. You could have just give them to Chloe, you didn’t have to come all the way down here.»

«Oh, it’s fine. I didn’t have nothing to do anyway.» Real charming, I’ve gotta say. 

«Well, thank you anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?» I approached him a little and he tossed me my keys, like he didn’t want me to come closer. How could he be so kind and rude at the same time?

«I suppose so. Good night ehm…»

«It’s Rae.» RUDE. VERY RUDE.

«Right, Rae, sorry. I’m Finn.»

«Yeah, I know. Good night to you, too, Finn!»

I turned my back on him and I entered my home. That boy was a seriously strange lad. First he comes all the way down here, in the middle of nowhere because that’s where I live, and then he doesn't even remember my name and he acts like a total jerk. Well, I guess not everyone can be Archie. 

 

Dear diary,  
as promised I just got back from the best night out ever and here I am... writing.  
The gang is so great, and I'm so glad I'm a part of them. I hope I can conquer them all, even Finn.  
Going to sleep now, a great day is waiting for me, tomorrow.


	2. The thrill of a first date

Thursday, 11th July 1996

Dear diary,  
Day 2 of freedom. This feels both weird and awesome. I miss talking to Tix every day, the habit of knowing what to do next but, at the same time, it’s so beautiful to be finally able to DECIDE what to do next. Nothing is scheduled, nothing is mandatory. That’s the beauty of my freedom. That, and Archie.   
Can’t wait to see him again, today. 

 

«Rae! Chloe on the phone!»

«I’ll take it from up here.»

I already knew why Chloe called. She wanted every single detail about Archie and I. And I, for once, had something to tell. 

«Hello?»

«Hey babe, what’s up?»

«Pretty good, Chloe. How’s it going to you?»

«Good, I guess. I’m calling you just to know if you’re coming to the pub later. Archie was asking about you. Are you two a thing, now?»

Archie was asking about me! How could my life become more awesome than that?

«I think it’s pretty soon to call it 'a thing'. We’re just mates. Why is he asking about me?»

«Don’t know, I heard him talking to Finn this morning about you.»

This morning? Where the hell were they this morning? 

«What did you do this morning?»

«Oh I just ran into them by accident. I was out grabbing a cup of tea with my mom and I saw them. I don’t think they saw me, though. Anyway, you’re coming today, right?»

«Yes, of course. I’ve loved hanging out with you last night. See you later, Chlo.»

Chloe had never been so nice to me but I was starting to like it. It was about time that I had a life outside the psychiatric ward and she had given me multiple reasons to be happy in just one day.   
I felt deeply grateful because, without her, I would have probably never met Archie and the rest of the gang. But mostly Archie. I was starting to think that maybe I should have made a move the night before, since he seemed quite interested in me, according to Chloe’s words. He was talking about me with Finn, his best mate, so, that was definitely something. I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to make a move. 

A pair of jeans, red Converse and a black T-shirt. Not exactly a flirting look but it was the most comfortable thing I had come up with. And I had to be comfortable, at least in my clothes. Flirting was not my specialty.  
«What’s this smell?» The minute I walked out of my room, a weird and disgusting scent invaded me. It was definitely coming from the kitchen and as I followed it, it became more clearer.

«It’s a new soup I’m trying on my diet. You wanna taste it?»

«The hell I do, It’s disgusting. How do you eat this stuff?»

«If I wanna keep my body the way it is, a little sacrifice won’t hurt me.»

«To keep your body like it is now, you can easily eat bacon and cheese, mom.» Ok, that was rude but, she made me so fucking nervous when she was on a diet. Which basically meant, she made me nervous every bloody day. Her diet and her…

«Rachel Earl.» There it was. Rachel Earl. Every time she was mad, she went all “Rachel Earl” to me. Bloody annoying.

«Right, whatever. Enjoy your soup I’m going out. I’ll be home for dinner, yeah?»

«Did you say ‘bye’ to Karim?»

«Now, why would I ever do that?»

«Because he lives here. He’s a part of the family.»

«He doesn’t even speak our language. And no, he’s not family, I don’t even know him.» She was about to say it again, so I screamed ‘Bye Karim’ and I went outside. My mom can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.

I was supposed to meet the guys around 4 PM, so I had all the time to prepare a speech, worthy of perfect Archie. I wasn’t used to drink but I thought that maybe, just this time, I could have made an exception. I needed a little alcohol in my veins, to run whatever I was going to say to him but the moment I walked into the pub, I froze. There he was. Not Archie. Finn.  
What the hell was he doing there? My hopes of preparing a convincing speech were gone thanks to grumpy Finn. GREAT. JUST GREAT.

«What are you doing here Finn?»

«What do you mean?»

«I thought we were going to see us later, but I’m glad you stopped by earlier.» Archie popped out of nowhere, giving me a kiss on the cheek. I blushed like 50 times in a second. 

«Yeah, you know, I wanted to get of the house. What are you guys doing here already?»

«Nothing, Finn is pissing me off as usual and I was about to choose a song way better than this one. You can sit if you want.»

Music, my turf. Go big or go home. It was time I showed Archie that I could be cool.

«Oh, that’s great. I’ll do it.» I had completely forgot Finn was there, too.

«No, I want Archie to do it. He knows his music.»

«I know my music.» Why was he being such an asshole?

«Look Mae…» And here we go again. He still doesn’t know my name.

«Jesus, I told you last night. It’s R-A-E.» 

«As in Raymond?» Was he being serious? I wanted to rip his head off.

«As in Rachel.»

«Whatever, Rae. It’s my 20p and I want Archie to do it.»

«If you don’t like what I put on, I’ll give you your 20p back.»

It was a matter of pride now. I forgot that I was doing all of that for Archie. This was between me and the dickhead. I didn’t know why he hated me so much. He didn’t even bloody know me. This was the time where I could say to him ‘Fuck you’ without properly saying it. And I wasn’t going to miss the chance.

* playing ‘Sabotage- The Beastie Boys’ *

The all pub was going insane over the song. Spin on that, Finn.

«All right, what’s fair it’s fair. This is a great song, R-A-E.» 

«Yeah, it’s not that bad. For mainstream.» I was taking the piss out of him but I didn’t care. This was my turn. We were having a good time, despite how the afternoon had started and now the rest of the gang was going in. Goodbye to me asking out Archie.

«Rae, I wanted to ask you something last night but I didn’t know it you would be up to it. Now, I don’t care about that anymore so I’ll just go on and ask it, okay?»

«What is it, Arch?»

«I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me, tonight. You know, just us.» The rest of the gang was silently waiting for my answer, they were all staring at us, all but Finn. Of course, why would he care?

«Yeah, sounds good. What time?»

«How about if we meet at Chippy’s around 8?»

«Great. I am already there.» I am already there? What the hell was I saying? I couldn’t screw this up. I could not do that. Archie was amazing and I felt so lucky. He liked me back! Perfect Archie liked me back. I pinched myself twice without anyone noticing because that felt a lot like a dream but it was all true. I was about to go on my first date with the guy of my dreams. Life is so beautiful in Lincolnshire.

«Right, Rae, Izzy and I gotta go now.»

«What are you talking about Chlo?» I didn’t know we had something planned. She didn’t mentioned anything on the phone earlier that day.

«We’re going shopping. I need to buy a new dress. We gotta go. NOW.»

«All right, we’re coming. Jeez, relax.» I was having the time of my life and she wanted to drag me to a shop? She was definitely planning on something. As we were walking out the pub her intentions became clearer.

«We’re not going to buy anything, love. We’re going to my place. Izzy and I are going to dress you up for your big date with Archie tonight. Make up, too.»

«That’s why you called me earlier right? You knew he was going to ask me out.»

«I might have heard him talking to Finn about it. Oh come on, it’ll be fun. I’m so excited.»

«I am the one going on a date, you know that, right?»

«Of course, I do. I’m excited for you. Come on, we don’t have much time.»

 

Spending the afternoon with the girls was awesome but one person was missing. I wanted them to know Tix but I hadn’t tell them about my time in the psychiatric ward so it was impossible for me to talk about her. I promised myself that I was going to be bold and that, eventually, I would have told everyone the truth but, I was so afraid I would have lost them if they knew.   
In the meantime, Chloe and Izzy were dressing me up like a Barbie. I wasn’t comfortable in those clothes but I didn’t want to let them down after all their work. Besides, I felt kinda pretty with those fancy things on me.

«Right, now we must go. We’re coming with you and we’re gonna stay hidden, okay? I already called your mom, saying that you’re staying here tonight.»

«You didn’t have to do that. But, thanks Chlo.»

«C’mon let’s go now. Can’t keep the guy waiting forever right?»

«Absolutely not. Can’t wait to see him, actually.»

The thrill of a first date. Who would have guessed that I, Rachel Earl, was going to a date with on the fittest lads in Lincolnshire? Life was finally smiling at me and I was bloody happy to smile her back.   
We arrived at Chippy’s in no time. Archie wasn’t there yet. The girls went hiding in the back and they pretended like they didn’t know me.  
10 minutes. Archie still wasn’t there.  
30 minutes.  
50 minutes.

Then I saw him. I was irritated but at least he showed up. Only, he wasn’t Archie. He was the dickhead. What the hell was he doing here?

«What are you doing here?»

«Hi. I saw Archie. He ain’t coming.» Great, my night sucks and who’s the one telling me this? Finn Nelson. This date could have not been worse.

«I see. So why are you here?»

«He told me to say, well, he told me to say that actually.»

«Thanks for coming then, I guess. I’m gonna go now. Can you tell your friend he’s a piece of shit?» 

«I will, Rae.»

I left Chippy’s in a minute, forgetting that Izzy and Chloe were there the all time. I felt so embarrassed but most of all I felt betrayed. I knew I wasn’t a pretty girl, no one was more surprised than me when Archie asked me out, but I didn’t deserve to be treated like I was nothing. Archie was going to regret this. I reached my house in 10 minutes and I went straight to my bedroom.   
I had been wrong before. The pub wasn’t my home. This was. My bedroom was my safe place. 

«Rae! The door!» 

«Can’t you go get that? I just got back!» She didn't even ask me why I wasn't staying at Chloe's. What a mother!

«No I can’t or I would have done it already. Go get the door.» What a pain in the ass. 

I didn’t realize I was already in my pyjama until I opened the door and I saw the look on his face. On Finn’s face. He was there, at my house. Again.

«What are you doing here Finn?»

«You do realize that’s the first thing you ask me every time you see me, right?» I did not.

«I’m sorry. I meant.. well I was meaning that, actually.» We both laughed. It felt good.

«I followed you from Chippy’s. I saw how upset you were. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew it was a date. The moment I walked in, I knew.»

«Why did you think it was a date?» 

«Well, you were dressed like Chloe and you are usually more…»

«I wasn't dressed like Chloe... I'm sorry, you were saying? More... messy?» Real charming as always.

«No, I meant normal.» Normal. Was that a compliment to him?

«I’m sorry. I know I’m not making any sense.»

«You’re trying. That’s something, Finn. Thank you for coming here.»

«I think he’s a dick for what he did. I know you don’t like me, and that’s fine but, I didn’t want you adding it to the very long list of things you hate about me.» I didn’t like him? He was the one who couldn’t stand me. This was so awkward.

«Finn, the list isn’t that long.»

«Can you come out, for like a minute or is it too late?»

«I’m already in my pyjama but if you wanna come in it’s ok. I can offer you a cup of tea.» Why on Earth did I invited him in my house? We hated each other.

«Sounds good. Thanks.»

It was so weird having a boy in the house. Actually it was weird having Finn around. We weren’t friends, we weren’t relatives, but it felt right. Maybe this was the chance of becoming friends.  
For the entire time, between making and drinking the tea, there was a really awkward silence. I felt so embarrassed.

«This seems like a date.» Why, on Earth, did I say that? A date? We were drinking tea and I was in my pyjama. It clearly wasn’t a date. Plus, he didn’t like me. I was so stupid.

«Well, that’s the least I could do since I took yours with Arch a few minutes ago.» He didn’t seem scared of my words. This guy was so strange.

«Not your fault Finn. Thanks for telling me by the way. Otherwise, I would have been there for longer then 50 minutes.»

«You what? You waited 50 minutes for Archie? Why?»

«We should have been on a date.»

«I know but… 50 minutes. If I were you, I’d find him, and I’d stick a fucking boot right up his ass. » 

«You’re hilarious, you know?»

«Is that a compliment? I though you hated me.» Again with the hating thing.

«I never told you I hated you. I thought you hated me.»

«Why would I hate you? I don’t even know you Rae.»

«At least this cup of tea was meaningful. You know my name now.» We laughed again. It felt awesome.

«It’s getting late, I should get going. Thanks for the tea R-A-E.»

«Anytime Finn. Have a good night. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?»

«Yeah, sure. Goodnight Rae.»

The moment I closed the door, I felt a whole inside me. I didn’t know why. Yes, he was a fit boy, and yes, he seemed kind too, now that I actually talked to him but I was obsessed with Archie until two seconds earlier.   
It’s true what they say: life can change in a second.   
I would not let myself obsess about Finn, though. Archie was one thing, I thought he liked me back, but, Finn? We were just friends, and to be fair, I wasn’t even sure if we were that.


	3. You are amazing, Rae.

Friday, 12th July 1996

Dear diary,  
I seriously don’t know what to think about boys, anymore.  
Archie was so cute and he acted like a jerk.  
Finn was a jerk and now he is the cute one.  
Seriously, what’s up with these people?  
My mind is already a mess without them getting in the way.  
From now on, I’m telling you, I’m so done with this shit for a while.

 

Alright. It was true. I was planning on being done with the boys but, before I could do that, I needed to talk to Archie and clarify things between us. He had been an asshole but I wanted to know why.  
I had imagined he would have been at the pub so I took some courage and went in.  
I had been wrong. Archie wasn’t there. Finn was. Were we stalking each other?

«Hiya. How are you today?» He was so hot, I could barely look at him.

«Hi Finn. Everything it’s alright, yeah. Have you seen Archie?»

«Not since yesterday, no. Why?»

«I just wanted to talk to him, that’s all.»

«I see.» He turned his back on me and went for a beer. He seemed pissed off.

«What’s up with you?»

«What do ya mean?»

«Why are you mad at me?»

«Who said I was? You over analyze everything, Rae.» He was definitely pissed off. Obviously, he wasn’t going to admit it, otherwise it would have meant he was a jerk once again.

«Right, my fault as always. I’m gonna go see if I can find him at home. See ya.» I was on my way out when he stopped me putting his hand on my shoulder.

«Why do you wanna see him, Rae? I know he’s my best mate and I shouldn’t say these things but he treated you like shit. Why do you wanna talk to him?» He wasn’t being a jerk. He was being a friend. 

«I just wanna know why he did it, that’s all. I think I deserve an explanation, don’t you?» 

«Of course. You’re right, I’m sorry. Don’t tell him I told you but, he is at work, right now. At the gym.»

«Thanks. I’m glad we are friends, Finn. I’ll see ya later.» He smiled and went back to drink his beer. I was so glad that we put our differences aside. He was such a great guy… when he didn’t act like an asshole. On the other hand, I wasn’t quite sure if Archie was one. He treated me like nothing, and that, was a fact, but maybe he just thought it through and realized I wasn’t enough for him. I’m not blind: I’m not pretty, I’m definitely not normal and maybe he just realized I wasn’t right for him.  
Once I got into the gym I saw Archie right away, so I went straight to him. He didn’t seem pissed off. 

«Rae, I’m so sorry…»

«Just shut up. Can we go somewhere where I can properly yell at you?» 

«You’re right. I am such a piece of shit.» True.  
«I shouldn’t have bailed on you.» So true.  
«I was planning on coming to you this morning but I had to work.» BALLS.  
«I thought we could talk tonight at the pub but since you’re here, this is my chance. Last night I didn’t come because I was afraid. Afraid that you wouldn’t like me as much as I liked you.» Wow, I didn’t see that coming.

«Are you kidding me? I like you a lot Arch. Or else I would have said no to you.»

«I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t think it through. I though maybe you could give me another chance.»

«Will you be there this time?»

«Of course. I’ll tell you what. In a few minutes I’ll be done here. We can hang out now if you want.» I was glad I had been right. He was not a jerk. Just a human being.

«Yeah, sure. I’ll be waiting for you upstairs.»

Fit and handsome Archie was afraid I didn’t like him as much as he did. Is this real life? How could he even imagine something like that? Doesn’t he know how great he is?  
If he’s really into me like he says, by the end of the afternoon I might be able to say, I have a boyfriend. Me. Rachel Earl. A Boyfriend. Life is too good to be true.

I had planned on giving Archie what he deserved after the way he treated me but when I saw him coming to me with a big smile on my face I didn’t even remember why I was going to do that. Everything was okay now and it had to stay that way.

«Alright, ready to go?»

«Where are we going exactly?»

«I was thinking the pub. No one is going to be there at this time.» The pub. Not the most romantic place but I liked the idea.

«Sure. Lead the way Arch.»

While we were walking, he was back on being usual Archie. He was talking about everything, literally everything, he was telling jokes and he casually hugged me for no reason. I liked that. It was like we had been a couple for years.  
All of a sudden I stopped listening. Don’t know why or when. All I could think about was Finn. Why was I thinking about Finn while I had a real chance with Archie?  
Sure, Finn was hot and kind and caring but there was no chance he could like me back. I was having a great time with Archie but still, all I could think about was him.  
That did not improve once we got into the pub and we actually saw Finn. This was about to get worse, real fast and real soon. 

«Hey mate what are you doing here?» Finn came our way with a smile but I could definitely tell it was a fake one. He probably didn’t expect to see us together again.

«I stayed all afternoon actually. Why are you guys here?» He kept talking without even looking at me. 

«Rae was so kind that she agreed on giving me, and us, another chance.»

«I see. Well, I’m gonna go so you two can “hang”. Have a great time, yeah? See ya later.» I couldn’t let him walk away like that. Why did he mind about me that much?

«Archie can you wait for me one minute? I need to talk to Finn.»

«Ehm sure. I’ll be right here.» He wasn’t quite sure why I was leaving him there, all by himself, but I had to clarify things with Finn. He was already out of the pub but, somehow, I managed reaching him out. He seemed pissed off. GREAT.

«What was that all about, Finn?»

«What are you talking about? Look, Rae, I’ve gotta go home. I’ll see you later if you’re not too busy with Archie.»

«That’s what I’m talking about. You’re pissed at me. Why?»

«I’m not pissed. Just disappointed. But then, it’s your life, you’re free to do what you want with it.»

«So, you’re pissed that I forgave Archie? You should be happy about it, he’s your friend. Don’t you want your friends to be happy?»

«Of course I do. That’s why I’m disappointed. I’ll see you later, okay?»

«So, you’re not mad? Are you sure?» Please say yes. Please say yes. If he says ‘yes’, there’s a chance. Please say yes.

«No, I’m not.» Ouch.

«Great, then I’ll see you later.»

While he was walking home, I entered the pub. I wasn’t sure about what I was doing but it had to be done. If Archie was really into me I couldn’t let him down. I didn’t like him as much as he liked me so it wasn’t fair to be with him and think about someone else. I was sure that, me and Finn, was not going to happen, but I could not be with Archie and see Finn everyday. It would have been cruel and, I was not a cruel person.

«Archie I need to talk to you.»

«Okay, spit it out.» He was smiling at me. This was going to be hard.

«Look, you’re a really nice guy but I can’t hang out with you. At least, not like this. I though you deserve the truth, I’m so sorry Arch.» The smile was long gone.

«That’s okay Rae. Just tell me one thing: is it because of Finn?» 

«I won’t lie you. Yes, it’s because of Finn. I know he won’t ever like me back but it’s not right to be with you and thinking about him.» Now, he was smiling again. But why?

«Why do you think that? What’s there not to like? You’re a great girl, Rachel Earl. Since we’re talking I need to tell you something, too.»

«Okay, your turn. Spit it out.»

«It’s not easy for me. I never told anyone about this but it’s not fair that you don’t know. So, Rae… I didn’t come last night because… well, I am… Jesus it’s more difficult than I thought.»

«Just let it out Arch.» 

«I am gay.» It felt like the world stopped moving. It wasn’t a thing that you should be ashamed of, but, it was 1996 so, I understood. Keeping a secret for so long, it destroys you from the inside and you can’t do nothing about it. Still, I didn’t know what to say.

«Please, say something. I freak out when you don’t talk.» 

«It’s just… I don’t actually know what to say, you know. I’m not mad it’s just, you shouldn’t have take me out, that’s all. I understand it’s a difficult situation but, what you did, it was not fair. To me or to you.»

«I know. I just thought that, maybe, if I went out with someone I actually like, it would have been different.»

«Why don’t you tell the rest of the gang? They would understand.»

«It’s just too soon, you know. Promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not even Finn.»

«I’m pretty sure Finn is not even talking to me but of course, I promise. It’s your secret to tell.»

We hugged and then we decided it was best if we just went home. I wasn’t planning on going out, later that night. My mom and Karim were out, doing God knows what and where, so I had the place to myself. Figuring out what to do next I thought about her. Tix. My best friend. It was two days since I left the psychiatric ward and I had missed her like hell. She was the one who gave me advices all the time and mostly, the one who encouraged me on going home. Right there, in that moment, calling her, was the most spontaneous thing to do.

«Fatty? It’s me, skinny.»

«Rae, it’s so good to hear from you. How’s life going?»

«It could be better, but I’m managing things. How’s there?» 

«Nothing new, you know. Tell me about you, what’s wrong skinny?» She always knew how to read me.

«Boys issues.»

«I wanna know E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.»

«Well, where can I start? There’s this guy, Finn and…» Someone knocked on the door.

«I’m sorry fatty, someone’s at the door, calling you later or tomorrow, yeah?»

«Of course, bye Rae.»

It was nice talking to Tix. She definitely was my best friend. Whoever interrupted my call, would be sorry.

«Finn!» Ok, he can interrupt me.

«You said you were coming to the pub tonight, but you weren’t there. I thought you were with Archie but he said you two broke up.» Good old Archie, he was trying to make him realize I was available again.

«Broke up? We were never a couple in the first place. By the way, what are you doing here?»

«I wanted to apologize for today. I was acting like a jerk and I’m sorry.»

«You didn’t have to come here, you’re forgiven. We’re friends and you wanted to protect me. Do you wanna come in?» Please say yes, if you come in, there’s a chance.

«Thanks but I’ve gotta go actually.» Ouch, again.  
«You know what? I’ll stay for a while, yeah.» Fuck yes!

He was so hot. Every time he wore that black leather jacket, my ovaries exploded. Finn Nelson was in my house. On my couch. Again.

«You know, earlier you said that maybe I don’t want my friends to be happy but that’s the total opposite. I know that Archie can’t make you happy like you deserve and you can’t make him happy like he deserves. And that’s not up to either of you.» Archie thought no one knew about his being gay, but Finn did. That’s why he was mad. He really was being a great friend.

«I already told you, it’s fine. Let’s not think about that anymore.» He was smiling and I was dying.

«Okay. But I wanted to ask you something. Why did you give him another chance after yesterday?»

«Well, you know, he’s a great guy and I felt lucky he liked me. I wanted to give it another try, it’s not like I’ll have another guy like him.» 

«What are you talking about? You are amazing, Rae. You’ll find the right person, I’m sure of it.»

«Well, you have to say it, because you’re my friend but…»

«There’s no ‘but’. Every guy would be lucky to be with you, trust me.» 

Maybe I had been wrong. Maybe there was a chance for us. Sure, he was too hot for me but he was more than that and maybe he didn’t mind about my outer look. 

«Now, I really have to go but I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? And don’t say ‘yes’ if you’re not going to be there or else I’ll come here again.» We were laughing and teasing each other. It felt like… well, it felt different than anything I had ever felt. He made me different.

«I’ll see you at the pub, I promise Finn. Goodnight.»

«Goodnight Rae.»

I usually don’t remember my dreams once I wake up in the morning but that night, my mind was screaming out for a name, a name only: FINN.  
And I was positive I would have reminded everything.


	4. Sweetest lad ever. Or maybe not.

Wednesday, 17th July 1996

Dear diary,  
I know it’s been a while since I wrote my thoughts but, really, there’s nothing much to tell. After that heart to heart conversation between Finn and I, there hasn’t been something like that in these past few days.  
And today I’ve quite the full day: going see the lads at the pub later but, first, I’ve to meet with my therapist.  
It’s officially been a week since I got released and now it’s time to face my inner demons. PRAY FOR ME!

 

I wasn’t exactly comfortable about telling a complete stranger what was going on with my life. But maybe, it was for the best. I had amazing friends but I couldn’t imagine talking with them about my problems. Basically because they had no idea I had them in the first place.   
Sitting and waiting for my therapist to show up, I tried to picture what we were going to talk about but all I could think about was Finn. He was stuck in my head like a disease and meeting and talking to him every single day, didn’t make the situation any easier.   
On the other hand, I couldn’t even imagine not seeing him. I would have missed him too much and I would have probably found him on my front door. 

«Sorry, I’m late. I know you expected to see someone else but you’re kinda stuck with me. I’m Kester.» 

Talking to a different therapist didn’t scare me that much. Just another stranger like the one before him.

«It’s okay. No worries. I would normally introduce myself but I think you know who I am.»

«A girl with a personality. I like it.» He seemed quite nice. 

«Right. So what’s the schedule here?»

«I don’t do schedules. Why don’t you start by telling me how your first week out was?»

«It was fine. Nothing to report.»

«Oh, that’s impossible. After four months in here there must have been something worth telling. Something exciting.» 

«Well, I’ve met new people. They’re kind. Totally different from the people I used to be around. I guess I could say this is a new beginning for me. »

«That’s good but you don’t seriously think I buy all of that, right?» OH, BOLLOCKS.

«It’s true, they’re good people. Two girls and three boys. They’re my gang now.»

«No, I mean, I believe they’re good people but I wanna know more. These boys, how are they?» Thank you Kester, with this question, I say goodbye to project “don’t think about Finn for this hour”.

«Well, there’s Chop, Archie and Finn. First two are definitely funny, kind and all of that stuff but I think you’re interested more in the third one.»

«Now that you say so, absolutely. Tell me about this Finn.»

«Describing Finn it’s easy and difficult at the same time. He’s generous, selfless, funny, handsome but he’s also shy and lonely. We started off the wrong way but now we’re definitely friends. The first time I talked to him I thought he was a dickhead but now that I actually know him, he’s anything but that. I like being around him.»

«Does he know about your time in here?»

«No, I don’t know him that well.»

«I’ll tell you what. Since our time is almost up, I give you an assignment for next week: find someone, outside your family, and tell him what happened to you four months ago. Let’s see how that goes. I’m pretty sure this Finn boy, will answer the rest.»

Telling Finn about the psychiatric ward? Yeah, like that it’s going to happen. I want a chance not to loose him, forever. He’s a good person but not even a saint would like to be with a mental human being. Besides, we knew each other for way too short time. Maybe Chloe was the right person. She had been my friend since always so maybe she would have understand. 

The road between the hospital and the pub was shorter than I imagined. I knew I should have looked for Chloe but I couldn’t resist anymore. I missed Finn all morning and I just wanted to see his face but, once I got in the pub, everything went darker.   
Chloe was basically sitting on his legs and they were laughing. What was all the fuss about Chloe? Okay, yeah, she was beautiful but other than that? She never showed interest in anything: music, books, food. Nothing at all. I know I’m supposed to be a good friend but this is Finn we’re talking about. All is fair in love and war. 

«Rae! You made it. I was starting to think I should have come looking for you. Again.» He was same old Finn. Chloe or not Chloe.

«Once I promise something Finn, I do it. What are you guys doing?»

«I was telling everyone that I finally moved into the new house so, since you arrived, I can finally say it.» Yeah, she was definitely waiting for me. Everyone believes that, don’t you worry Chloe.

«Tonight, I want you all at my place because WE are having a party.» That actually sound pretty cool.

«And don’t forget your bath suits. It’s a pool party.» That sounds AWFUL. Of course, it’s a pool party. She can wear a mini bikini and impress Finn. Damn you Chloe. How can I compete? 

«Are you alright?» Everyone was freaking out about this party but Finn. He came close to me because he saw I wasn’t up to it. 

«Yeah, alright. You?»

«Yeah, we’re going to have lots of fun tonight.»  
«Have fun for me too, will ya?» There was no way he was going to see me in a bath suit.

«What are you talking about? You are coming.»

«I can’t. I have to help my mom out with some stuff.»

«Tonight? Can’t someone else help her? Or maybe you can do it tomorrow. Come on Rae, I won’t have fun if you’re not there.» He was so sweet I was about to eat him all.

«You’re gonna have a blast Finn, believe me.»

«No way. I’m coming with you so we can finish earlier whatever you have to do and then we can go to the party together.» Shit. And now what do I do?

«No, that won’t be necessary. Just go over there and have fun.»

«Just… can you come out for a moment?» Out? Him and I alone? Fuck yes!

Chloe followed us with her eyes, pretending to talk with Izzy. She was so pissed, and I was over the moon.

«So, are you gonna tell me what’s the real reason you don’t wanna come?» To lie or not to lie?

«I told you, I’ve got stuff to do.» LIE.

«Right but you can help her some other time. Is it because of Archie? Maybe you don’t wanna see him after… well, you know.» Yeah, Archie is definitely the problem, Finn. DEFINITELY.

«What? No Archie has nothing to do with this.»

«So, I was right. There is something. What is it?» FUCK!!!

«The truth is I don’t like pool parties.» 

«So, what do you like?» Ehm, YOU!

«I don’t know.. I guess, I like just being comfortable.»

«So, you don’t feel comfortable with us?» WHAT? NO!

«No, I love hanging with the guys.» 

«So, you have a problem with me?» What the hell is happening with this conversation?

«What? No, you’re great Finn. I just…» oh fuck, just be honest!  
«I don’t like wear a bath suit, that’s all.» 

«Why didn’t you say this earlier? I’ll tell you what. If you come I won’t wear one so we’ll both be in our clothes.» He was too cute to be true.

«Why are so kind with me?»

«Because we’re friends. That’s what friends do.» FRIENDS. That hurt a little.

«You wear whatever you wanna wear, Finn. I’ll be there.»

«Really? That’s amazing, Rae.»

He smiled at me and then went back to the pub. At the same time, Chloe came out of it, looking at me. That didn’t look good.

«What were you talking about, Rae?»

«Nothing in particular, we were talking about the party.»

«You’re coming right? I want you there, you’re my friend.»

«Sure, I’ll go home and change and I’ll meet you there.»

«Before you go, I wanted to talk to you about something.» Please, don’t say it’s about Finn.  
«It’s Finn.» Here we go.  
«I hope this pool party will give me the chance to see if, you know, him and I can be more than friends.» FANTASTIC. Now, play dumb Rae.

«Finn? I didn’t realize you liked him.»

«Yeah, he’s great but I don’t know if he likes me back. So tonight I’ll try something. I’ll make a move. Do you think you can help me out? Since you know, you two are so close.» What a BITCH.

«I’ll see what I can do, Chlo. Now I’ve to go or I won’t make it. See ya later.»

Now, how could I make a move now that I knew about Chloe’s feelings? I was pretty sure she understood something was happening between him and me, so she made a move but, I was nothing like her. She was my friend and since she liked him, he was off limits. Unfortunately.  
Going to the party didn’t seem a great idea but it was the perfect opportunity to clarify things with Finn. But how could I tell him what was going on when I was the one who didn’t know what was happening? Was Chloe really into him or was she just after a prize?  
I hate these situations.

A quick stop at home and I was already on my way to Chloe’s. At last, I wore the bath suit. I didn’t have anyone to conquer so, with that on, I was giving Chloe a great help. Perhaps that would have been enough and I didn’t have to talk to Finn about him and Chloe. Too awkward.

«It’s great to see that you keep your promises Rae,» Finn was standing in front of Chloe’s house, like he was a few days back on mine. Good old days.

«Already told you, I keep them.» He was smiling. Why was he smiling? Don’t make this harder than it is already.

«So, you’re sleeping here, too?» He was sleeping there? I should have stayed at home.

«Yeah, like the others I guess.» I was being a dickhead. But thinking about him with Chloe gave me chills.  
«I kept my promise, too, you know.»

«Which one?»

«I don’t have a bath suit. What about you?» He knew I was coming and still didn’t put it on. He was seriously the sweetest lad in the world.

«Actually I have it.»

«Happy to hear that. I seriously didn’t understand why you couldn’t wear it.» SWEETEST. LAD. EVER.

«We should get inside now.»

He already knew something was off. He always knew. It’s like when somebody is able to read you, like a book, and he knows what’s about to happen before you do.   
Besides the romantic affection I felt for him, I just didn’t want loose him as a friend. Chloe or not Chloe, I wasn’t going to loose him. He was that important to me.  
Everyone was already in the pool when Finn and I got in. I could see the enthusiasm written all over his face and I felt genuinely happy. It was so good seeing him excited about something. He had this light in his eyes, I felt so overwhelmed. How could I give up on him when he was the one who made me feel so alive?

«You’re finally here! Where’s your bath suit Finn?» Chloe was definitely disappointed.

«I made a promise to someone so I’ll keep my clothes on.» He smiled at me. Twice. 

«You don’t have to, Finn. Just get in there and have fun.» Letting him go was the hardest thing I had ever done.

«I’m fine Rae. I’ll have fun even with my clothes on.» Seriously, you need to stop being so nice.

«Right. Whatever.» I left him there, standing alone, and I followed Chloe. I started messing around with Archie and laughing with the girls, all without even looking at Finn once. I was hoping he was having fun, at least for the both of us. 

«Rae, I think Finn is trying to get your attention.»

«He’s with Chloe, Arch. He’s definitely not looking for me.»

«No, I am telling you. He seems pissed off. You should talk to him. What’s happening between you two?»

«Nothing is happening.» I looked around and Archie was right. Finn was looking at us, with his clothes on, and he seemed mad. I would have normally went over there but he was with Chloe and I had to stay out of it.

«Look, I don’t want to get in the way of you two but, you want him and I think he wants you.»

«Right.»

«No, I’m not kidding. He’s looking at us and he’s pissed because he’s jealous. He doesn’t know I am, well you know what, so maybe he thinks you and I are… you know.»

«He said we are friends, he’s not jealous, trust me.»

«Well, I’m giving you the chance to figure it out.» I didn’t realize what he was talking about until he shouted Chloe’s name and let her get away from Finn.

«What the fuck are you doing Arch?» 

«Go over there and talk. I’ll keep her busy.» I smiled at him and went out, looking for Finn but, as I came closer, he went away. Ok, so Archie was right. He was pissed at me. And I was about to chasing him in a bath suit. Classy.

«Finn, where are you going?»

«Home. You see, we were both wrong.»

«What do you mean?»

«I thought I was going to have a great time and you the opposite.»

«Who said I’m having a great time?»

«I saw you, Rae. Go back in there and have fun, I’ll see you another time.» 

«If you go how can I have fun?»

«Like you did until now.» Ouch. That hurt. He was right, I didn’t mind him that much but it was because of what Chloe said. I wanted him by my side all the time but I couldn’t.

«Please, come inside. We’ll have a great time, I promise.»

«I thought you used to keep your promises.»

«I will keep this one, I swear. Look, I know we weren’t together a lot today but…»

«A lot? You barely looked at me the entire night. And it’s fine, I get it. You’re trying to win Archie back but it won’t work! I don’t know why you’re trying this again.»

«Archie? I’m not trying to win anyone back. I want… I just want…»

«What?» He was getting closer. Too damn close.

«I was helping a friend out.» He froze.

«What friend?» Bye bye secrecy.

«Chloe. She asked me to help her out with you, because she likes you and since you and I are friends she wanted me to see if you were up to it. But when I saw you two together I figured she already solved everything out so I stayed out of her way.»   
He was confused and unsure of what to say and, in that moment, I thought that maybe Archie was right, maybe he was jealous, of me. Of us. That light of excitement in his eyes came back when I told him the all truth and I felt relieved.

«Chloe? Seriously?» I nodded.  
«So you’re done for good with Archie?» I nodded again.  
«Well, that’s unexpected.» We smiled at each other. 

«So what should I say to Chloe?»

«About what?» Was he listening or what?

«Does she have a chance with you?» I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear the obvious answer.

«Oh, right. No, she doesn’t.» I didn’t see that coming.  
«You see, I like someone else.» I didn’t see that coming, either.  
«And Chloe, she’s great but, there’s this girl in my head I just can’t shake.» Ok, I think I’ve heard enough.

«Ok, well, I think we should get inside. I need to talk to her and it’s getting cold out here.» I turned my back on him and went straight to the pool. Talking to Chloe was definitely the priority. I wasn’t sure about how she would have react but it was fair to tell her before it was too late.

«Chloe, I need to talk to you.»

«I need to talk to you, too. We kissed, Rae. We kissed.» Who kissed who?

«What are you talking about?»

«While you were talking to Archie, Finn and I kissed. I showed him the house and, I don’t know, it just happened.» How was it possible?  
«What did you want to say? Did he talk to you about it while you were out?»

«Ehm, yeah. Yeah, he told me you kissed.»

«What did he say? Did he like it?» I’m never doing these things ever again.

«Sure, I liked it a lot. Best kiss ever, that’s what he said.»

«Oh my God, Rae, this is so wonderful. Look, I’m going back now but we’ll have plenty of night to talk about this, yeah?» Like hell, I’m staying here.

«Actually I’m going home, I don’t feel very well. I’ll call you tomorrow Chlo.»

«Oh, that sucks babe. Ok then, I’ll ask someone to drop you by.»

«No, it’s fine. I’m gonna walk home. Thanks though.» I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and went get dressed. Finn was such a dickhead, why lying to me about the kiss? Did he really think I wouldn’t have find out? Two minutes on the clock and I was already out. I didn’t actually said goodbye to anyone since I definitely wasn’t in the mood for a chat.

«Rae, where are you going?» The dickhead was right behind me. Play nice Rae, play nice.

«Going home, I don’t feel very well.»

«Oh, that sucks, Just wait for me, I’ll come with.» Like hell you are.

«You should stay here, I’m sure Chloe wants to give you another tour of the house.»

«I’m sorry I should have told you. Or maybe I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. It’s just that when…»

«It’s really none of my business. You can do and be with whoever you prefer. Just don’t lie to me again.»

«You’re right, I’m sorry.»

«Yeah, well, you have no idea what I could do with your apologies right now. Just leave me alone, I’ll see you tomorrow Finn.»

I left him talking alone and I went my way. I was so pissed at him. Why did he have to lie to me? We were getting close and he acted like a jerk. Again.   
I should have listen to myself. ‘Stop this thing. No more boy drama. You don’t need them.’  
But when you meet Finn Nelson, how can you stay neutral, really?


	5. Reality settles in.

Thursday, 18th July 1996

Dear diary, I’m not sure why I’m writing right now since I got nothing to say besides the fact that I am deeply disappointed by the entire world. Well, not the entire world. I am deeply disappointed by Finn.  
Why did I let myself care about him?  
People had always let me down during my life, so why did I believe that he would be different?  
He’s just another reminder that life sucks. And that my therapist was absolutely wrong: he wasn’t the right person to know about my past.  
I’m so done with him, with the gang. I’m done with everything.

 

«Rae, someone’s on the phone for you.»

«Who is it?»

«Well, if I knew who it was I wouldn’t have said ‘someone’.» That’s my mom. Always “funny”.

«I’m not home.»

«But you are. Oh come on, just pick up the damn phone.» 

«Alright, Jesus. No need to scream about it.» Such a pain in the ass.  
«Hello, this is Rae.» What kind of answer is that?  
«I mean, hi, whoever you are.» Wow, so much better now.

«Hiya.» FUCK.  
«It’s Finn.» Yeah, I know it’s you, prick.

«Hi. Why are you calling me at 9AM?»

«Is it too soon? Were you asleep?»

«No, I wasn’t, but that’s not the point.»

«Look, I’m not doing this over the phone. I was just calling to see if you were up and, since you are, well, get dressed ‘cause I’m coming to you.»

He ended the conversation without even giving me the chance to answer. He was coming to my place. Why was he coming to my place?  
Unfortunately I had no time to argue and over think. I had to get dressed. I had thought for just a brief moment to stay in my pyjama so that he could understand by himself that my desire of seeing him was zero but then again, who was I kidding? I wanted to see him.   
I guess I can kiss goodbye to my purpose “I’m so done with him”. Again. DAMN IT!

«Someone! Door!»

«Open the door, Karim!»

Too late for that, Karim was already hiding in his room. I almost forgot he was wanted by the police or something like that.   
Finn was terribly early but, fortunately, I was already dressed up. And pretty nervous. The 20 steps between my room and the door felt like 1000.

«So, you weren’t kidding on the phone. You’re here.»

«You thought I was kidding?»

«Actually, I don’t know what to think. Why are you here?»

«Because we need to talk. Can I come in, please?» Don’t let him in. DO NOT LET HIM IN!

«Yeah, sure.» FUCK YOU, RAE.

It was like going back in time although it had only been a week since we met. Having him in my kitchen felt so right for a countless number of reasons. 

«Last night you left so early that I couldn’t explain to you why I didn’t tell you about the kiss.»

«Look, I appreciate you coming all the way down here to fix things but there was no need for you to get up at 9AM. We could have just meet at the pub.» I knew it was a lie, I had absolutely no intent of going at the pub but he didn’t know that and I wanted him out of there because talking to him brought back feelings that needed to stay buried. 

«Technically I didn’t get up at 9AM because I didn’t actually sleep. I was too worried about us.» Us. Did he just say ‘us’? He didn’t sleep because of ‘us’? Oh boy, this is gonna end badly.  
«Plus, let’s be honest: you weren’t coming to the pub after yesterday, were you?»

«Oh, so now you want honesty. That’s quite a change in one night.» Why was I being a dickhead? 

«Look, I get it. I did a mistake, I promise it will never happen again…»

«And I’m telling you I don’t care. You like Chloe, she likes you. That’s great. Be together and be happy. You’re my friends and I want you to be happy.»

«Why can’t you let me finish talking for once?» He seems pissed off. This conversation keeps getting better.  
«I don’t like Chloe. I mean she’s great, don’t get me wrong but, I was serious last night. I have someone else in my mind.»

«So, why did you kiss her? She likes you and you used her. She deserves an explanation.» I hated that they kissed but Chloe didn’t deserve to be treated like shit. Finn wasn’t the guy I thought he was.

«I made a mistake and Chloe and I already talked and everything is ok between us. I shouldn’t have kissed her in the first place but there’s a reason why I did it. And I realize now it’s a crazy one but last night I just didn’t know what to do. That’s why I was leaving.»

«So what’s this mysterious reason?»

«Well… it’s you.» He kissed Chloe because of me? That doesn’t make any sense.  
«I saw you with Archie in the pool and I freaked out.» That doesn’t make any sense at all.  
«I don’t think I understand what’s going on here. You saw me with Archie laughing and you kissed Chloe? Why?»

«Because of your past. I thought you two could get back together or something so I flipped.»

«Archie and I, we are done for good. Plus, every time we talk about this, you loose your shit. I know we’re friends but that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to…»

«Oh fuck’s sake Rae! I was jealous!» Okay, I didn’t see that coming.

«You were jealous? Of me and Archie? Why?» Ok, I knew why but I just wanted to hear it. It was too good to be true.

«Since I saw you I knew you were different, I just didn’t know how much until last night. Hearing you talking about him and how much you liked him was one thing but actually seeing you with him, laughing, touching, knowing you two sort of dated, it freaked me out.»

I had been wrong. The first time Finn and I talked about Archie, his talking about the fact that we couldn’t make each other happy wasn’t because he knew he was gay, it was because he didn’t want to see us together. How did I not see that coming? Finn liked me. Really liked me.

«Why don’t you say something, Rae?»

«I’m sorry I’m still processing the all thing.»

«Maybe I shouldn’t have come here. You probably don’t want anything to do with me after last night. I’m such a jerk, I’m so sorry. Look, I’m gonna go, so you have time to think whether to send me to hell or not.»

«What are you talking about? Why would I be mad at you?» 

«Well I don’t know. You’re staring at me, not talking and, you never do that. You talk all the time.»

«If that was supposed to be a compliment you starting this the wrong way.»

«I’m just… I’m not good with words, I’m not good with speaking. Just… do you think ‘this’ can happen? I mean you and me.» I was in heaven. Finn PERFECTION Nelson was asking me Rae DEFINITELY NOT EVEN NORMAL Earl if we could be a thing.

«I think we can give it a shot, yeah.» I was trying to play dumb but it was damn hard.

«That’s… wow, that’s more that I expected.» He was such a cutie. He kept smiling and smiling and that light in his eyes that I loved so much was back just for me. Because I said ‘yes’. Just yes. It felt so good to be right about him. He was a great, kind, selfless and sensitive boy. And he was mine.

«I would really like to stay here with you right now but, I gotta go. I’ll see ya later yeah?» He winked and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. He opened the door, looked at me once last time, and got out. I finally had a boyfriend. Me. A Boyfriend.   
Just one week earlier I was doing the same, hypothetical speech, about Archie and now I was the girlfriend of Finn Nelson. LIFE IS AMAZING!

I loved being a part of the gang but there was only one person I had to call. I had to let her know that happiness does exist for people like us. My fatty. My Tix.  
I could already picture in my head her face once I told her what Finn said. She would have been over the moon for me.

«Rae, it’s so good to hear from you. How are you?»

«I’m bloody fantastic Tix. I’ve amazing news.» I could hardly contain the enthusiasm.

«I love news, start talking!»

I started going on and on about how Finn and I met, how we hated each other for the first days, I told her about Archie and then, I told her about this morning. I literally couldn’t stop talking.

«How did he react when you told him about being here?» Wow, I expected “I’m so happy for you Rae” or “I envy you so much Rae” or “I wanna meet this Finn guy” but not this.

«What do you mean?»

«Well you must have talked about this, so how did he react? He seems a nice guy so I hope he was understanding.»

«We didn’t actually talk about my mental state.» Why would I anyway?

«Oh, okay. Well, once you do you gotta tell me how he reacts.»

«I’m not gonna tell him, Tix. Why would I?»

«Well, because it’s important. You should be honest with him.»

«But, what if he doesn’t like me anymore?»

«That’s simply impossible, Rae. You’re amazing. And if he doesn’t like you anymore, then he wasn’t the right one.» Oh, for suck’s sake, I hate this. I’m not like other girls, I should be honoured to have him by my side. I don’t wanna loose him by talking about something that already belongs in the past. Like hell I’m gonna tell him.

«What did Kester say about it?»

«You know Kester?»

«Yeah, he’s my new therapist and I know it’s yours, too.»

«Right… well, why would I talk about this with Kester? He doesn’t know me.»

«Alright but, I do, so you must do as I say. Tell him, I’m sure he’ll understand.»

«We’ll see about that. Now I’ve to go fatty. I’ll stop by tomorrow ok?»

«Yeees, I can’t wait skinny. TALK TO HIM! Bye.»

I couldn’t actually say Tix wasn’t right. I knew she was, I knew Kester was, too. But how could I start a relationship with this amazing guy by saying “oh you know, I forgot to mention I’ve been in a mental institution before we met. Actually I was there til the same morning we met on the road.”  
Like hell, I’m not gonna do this. I like Finn, well maybe even more than that and, I don’t wanna screw this up.   
Who knows? Maybe he realizes this was a mistake and he’ll break up with me. Even today.  
God, why do I think these things? We are good, we are happy, why would he leave me?

For the first time, on my way to the pub, I didn’t mind all those pricks saying terrible things, along the road. I was happy, deeply happy and none of them could change them. I had Finn and that was simply enough.   
I’m not used to associate ‘happiness’ to myself but I think there’s no better word to describe what I’m feeling right now. It’s true we don’t know each other that much but it feels like forever. We are the same, we like the same music, I tell jokes and he laughs and them. Nobody had ever laughed at my jokes. Especially not boys. They don’t like when girls are funnier than what they are but Finn, he’s so different. Maybe that’s why we’re so good together. Because he’s different. And I like… I love that of him. I love him.

«Rae, finally! We were all waiting for you!» Chloe yelled the minute I walked in. She didn’t seem upset.

«Well, I’m here. What’s new?»

«This Saturday you are mine Raemundo. And Sunday, too.» Chop had something planned.

«She’s not yours, knobhead.» And Finn wasn’t too pleased about it. He looked at me and smiled. Did he already tell everyone we were together? 

«Why? What’s happening this weekend, Chop?»

«A friend of mine invited us to his house. It’s just outside Lincolnshire and we are going to have the best weekend ever.» Weekend? Out? With Finn? HELL YES!

«Sounds great! Count me in.» Everyone started screaming and hugging. They were the best gang I could have ever dreamed of.

«Are you sure you wanna go?» Finn was right next to me. My heart and ovaries were on fire.

«Yeah, we’re gonna have so much fun. Why, you don’t wanna go?» Of course he doesn’t wanna go. Two all days with me are too much.

«No, it’s just that… well, my dad is out for the weekend so I thought that maybe we could have hang out at my place. But if you wanna go with the guys, it’s okay. We’re going.» Me and him alone? For two days? SCREW THE GANG.

«Guys, I’m so sorry, Finn and I won’t make it.» Everyone was staring at me. Included Finn.

«We won’t?» 

«No, you promised to help me and my mum with some stuff, remember?»

«Of course, I’m sorry Rae. I forgot. Right guys, we’re out.»

«No, no, no one is backing out of this. We are all going. And we’re not buying this crap. You two wanna stay alone, and it’s okay, but not this weekend. Not THIS weekend.» Chop was banging on about it but Finn and I didn’t mind him. He was staring at me and I was staring at him.   
This weekend meant only one thing: sex!

«For suck’s sake Chop, we’re not going. Next time mate, yeah?»

«You can’t bail on me mate.»

«Oh, for her, I can. And I will.» 

Chop finally understood and calmed down. The others seemed fine with it, especially Archie. He was genuinely happy for us. 

«You wanna get out of here, girl?»

«Sure. Where are we going?»

«Don’t know… my place.» His place. HIS FUCKING PLACE.

«Sure, let’s go.» 

Screw Kester and Tix. How could I ruin this by telling him the truth? He was the sweetest guy on the planet and he was mine. He looked at me with that light in his eyes and I was pretty sure that light was now reserved only to me. He kept my hand in public and, no matter the fact that people stared at each other he seemed happy about it. Even proud. 

«Please, come in.» Even a gentleman. Perfection is definitely his middle name.

«Wow, you’re place is beautiful.»

«Thanks, girl. Now I like it even more.»

«Stop that, you make me blush.»

«Great, that’s one of the things I don’t know about you. And I wanna know all about you.»

«Well, that’s new to me, too. I never blush.»

«Happy to hear that. I have the exclusive.» He was so cute and kind to me. Maybe Tix was right. Maybe he would have understood.

«So, what do we do now?»

«Well, there’s some music I want you to hear. Come on, it’s upstairs.» UPSTAIRS. HIS ROOM. Rae, keep calm.

«So, this is your lair.»

«Nobody has ever been here besides you. It feels weird.»

«Weird good or…»

«Definitely weird good.»

He started playing some tunes I had ever heard and then… reggae. Oh God no.

«Reggae? Seriously?»

«What’s wrong with reggae?»

«It’s crap.»

«It’s what? Oh no young lady, reggae it’s awesome.»

«If you say so.»

«Oh, I do. And you’re gonna be very sorry about what you just said.» He pushed to me onto the bed and started tickling me. It was heaven. We were having the best time. It was so right to be with him.

«You know Rae, everyone is so filled with crap and problems, you’re just so normal. I love that about you.» Normal? I was normal? Since when?

Tix was right. I couldn’t keep from him my past and telling him, would have definitely meant he would have left me. Goodbye to my happiness. He was getting so close and when he landed a hand on my leg, it was the end. I wanted to kiss him so badly but doing that, without him knowing the truth, felt like cheating. 

«I’m sorry but I gotta go now.»

«Why? What’s wrong?»

«Nothing’s wrong. I just realized I’ve to go home, that’s all.»

«You know I can tell when you’re lying right?»

«Look, I really have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.»

«Tonight, you mean.»

«No, tonight I can’t.»

«Okay, something is definitely wrong. Did I do something, Rae? Just tell me, please.»

«I swear, you didn’t do anything.» I was trying to convince him but it was damn hard.

«Okay, then I’ll see you tomorrow. Come on, give me a hug.» A hug. That was the thing I wanted the most. A last time together before the inevitable end. Don’t cry Rae. DO NOT CRY.

Once I got home, everything was shattered. Tears went down like a storm, and I started trashing the room apart. Finn didn’t leave me but I was about to. I thought about telling him the truth but between a break up with a lie and a break up with the truth that would have probably prevented us from returning to be friends, I had chosen the first one.   
I was feeling so much like a piece of shit that I didn’t even want to eat. ME. FAT RACHEL EARL.   
Look at what a man can do to a woman. 

«Rae are you sure you don’t wanna eat? You’re not on a weird diet for that guy, are you?»

«No mum, I’m fine.»

«You’re clearly not fine. If you wanna talk I’m here.» 

«Thanks.»

«In the meantime, that guy is on the phone.» WHAT???

«Oh, okay. I’ll take it from up here. And thanks mum.» She winked at me as I answered the phone. The inevitable end was there.

«Hiya.»

«So, it turns out I was right because your mum said you’re not doing anything.»

«Yeah, I just finished, ehm… cleaning up.»

«You can be honest with me, Rae. I did something today, didn’t I?»

«The thing is that… I’m not sure it’s a positive thing for us, you know, being together and all that.» There was the longest pause I had ever have on a phone. 

«Wow, honesty can be a bitch.»

«Look, I’m sorry, I should have said this today. Why are you at home, by the way?»

«I didn’t wanna see the others without you.» Jesus, don’t do this Finn.  
«And don’t change the subject, you’re not leaving me, on the phone, after one day. You are not doing this.» Don’t cry Rae, don’t cry!  
«You said we could give this a shot, so why are you giving up?»

«I just… I realized we’re not so great together as we are as friends.» What the hell am I talking about? We are great together!

«Then, how about our weekend together? I don’t wanna be your damn friend, Rae. I wanna be with you.» Oh God, he did not just say that. I want you too, Finn. I DO!

«I’m sorry, that’s my decision.»

«So, I don’t get a say in this? We are in this together, you know.»

«I know, of course I do. That’s just the best thing, for both of us. Trust me.» I didn’t even give him the chance to reply. I just ended the conversation like that. I couldn’t keep up otherwise he would have realized I loved him like hell.   
Why did I just do?


	6. Better as friends, uh? (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is divided in two parts, this is the first one.  
> Lots of scenes between Rae and Finn.  
> Second part coming soon.

Friday, 19th July 1996 

12.30 AM  
Dear diary,  
Contemplating various ways of killing myself for breaking up with Finn perfection is my middle name Nelson.

1.20 AM  
Still up contemplating…

3.00 AM  
I wonder what he’s doing right now. Probably thanking the Lord for getting rid of a freak like me.

3.30AM  
Why can’t I just sleep??? 

 

Between the thoughts in my head and my mum and Karim taking pleasure from each other, there was no further point in staying in bed. It was weird though; I had never been up at 5 AM before and I didn’t like it. Too much silence besides my mum’s noises. Too much time to think. Just like last time.

«Oh, would you please shut up now?» I seriously couldn’t believe I was shouting to my mum from the kitchen to keep her voice down but, to be honest, Karim couldn’t be THAT good.

«Rae? Rae?» 

Someone was standing outside my doorstep and calling out my name. Why a normal person would be standing outside my house at 5 AM? That just doesn’t make sense. Plus, I was in my very debatable rainbow robe. 19th of July. The day of my disgrace. 

«Finn? What the hell are you doing here? It’s 5 AM!» What did he not understand of “I realized we’re not so great together as we are as friends”?

«You’re awake so don’t pretend I woke you up.» He’s definitely in a good mood.

«I didn’t say you woke me up, I asked what are you doing here.»

«I spent the night outside. I wanted to talk to you first thing in the morning.»

«You spent the night here? You could have told me last night. You could have slept in your own bed Finn, there was no need to stay out here by yourself.» Looking at him, after knowing he spent the night, made my heart heavier. All I’d ever wanted in my life was to find someone who could understand me, maybe even love me. And I had had all of that with Finn but, I was just too mental to understand how lucky I had been.

«Do you think maybe we can talk now?»

«I don’t think there’s much to tell.» Please Finn, just leave. This is so much painful.

«For fuck’s sake Rae, we need to talk!» 

«Why are you screaming right now? My mum could hear you!»

«I don’t give a shit about that. We need to talk now or I’ll go insane. Please Rae, let me in.»

«Fine! But we can’t stay down here. Just go up to my room.» Why, on Earth, did I say that? Good job Rae, having him in your room will definitely make things easier. Your just a bloody genius. 

Once he was in my room, Finn started turning around, uncovering my albums collection, my father’s postcards and picking up a ‘Stone Roses’ T-shirt. It felt weird, having him there with all of my stuff. My room had always been my true home, the one place I had ever felt safe, and now, having hum “invading” my space, felt so unreal. 

«So, are you gonna tell me what do you wanna talk about?»

«Right, I almost forgot.» He almost forgot? A guy spends the night outside a girl’s door, shouts at her the next morning, begs her to let him in and then he just forgets? What the fuck?

«Look, Finn. I appreciate you coming here but there’s no point in…»

«I’m not here for that. I’m here for the weekend.» The weekend?

«What about the weekend?»

«I was wondering if you’re coming with us since, you know, ‘our’ weekend went to shit.» Oh, THAT weekend.

«You mean the one with the lads. At Chop’s friend right?»

«Yeah, right…Chop’s friend.»

«So, let me get this straight. You spent the night here because you had to know if I’m going to this weekend party thing, correct?»

«Right.»

«So, you decided to spend the night on the grass, leaning on a wall, after we broke up, correct?»

«We didn’t broke up.» WHAT NOW?  
«You broke up with me.» 

«I don’t see a difference there, Finn.»

«Oh but there’s a big one. You see, when two people break up it’s because they both decided that it was best to end things, while what happened between us was you having some sort of panic attack about something and decided to shut things down. So that’s why we didn’t broke up, YOU left ME. I don’t think it’s wise to say we broke up because, to do that, I should have wanted to end things but I didn’t have the slightest reason to do so. Plus, I never wanted to end things. I still don’t.»

For a person that doesn’t talk that much, he really did his best with that speech. I tried to stay calm, to keep my tears from falling but, really, how could I resist? Finn was standing in front of me, clearly making me understand he was freaking out about us breaking up and all I wanted to do was hugging him, tell him I made a huge mistake by leaving him. That I wanted him back, that I loved him, that I would have done everything just to get up next to him, but I couldn’t.  
And it’s not that I didn’t trust him enough, is that I was embarrassed of myself and of what I had done. I wasn’t strong enough to remember it all and talking about it would have only made things worse.

«Rae, I didn’t tell you this because I wanted to see you cry. That’s the last thing I want, girl, please. Talk to me.»

Sitting with him on my bed, tears came down like a river and he just stood there, hugging me in silence. He knew it was my turn to talk this time.

«I’m so sorry if I hurt you last night, it wasn’t my intention Finn. But I meant it. We can’t be together. Not like that.»

«Like what? Like two people who care about each other?»

«No, it’s not just that. I’m not talking about sex.»

«Who talked about sex? If it’s too soon we can wait. Is that why you left yesterday? You thought we were going to have sex?»

«No, of course not. As if you would have wanted to…»

«Why wouldn’t I want to? You’re my girlfriend.»

«Ex…» Shit, why did I have to ruin the moment? 

«Please, stop saying that. I know you felt lost yesterday, I don’t know if it’s about the sex or if something else happened but we can start over. We didn’t even kissed, yet so, why worry about sex?»

«It’s not just about that. I have… there is so much you don’t know about me and I’m afraid that, once you do, nothing will be the same.»

«Look, we’ve known each other for how long, a week? It’s true, you have impressed me since the first day I saw you but there’s so much we don’t know about each other. I’m no saint either, Rae. We’ll take things slow, or fast, whatever you want, just please, think about it.»

«I just think it would be best for me to be by myself right now.»

«I see.» I wasn’t sure if what I was witnessing was the truth but I could swear Finn was about to cry. Was it possible that he loved me just as much as I loved him? Why would a guy like him fancy a girl like him, that just doesn’t make any sense at all. 

«Anyway I think I’m going.»

«Where?»

«To this weekend party thing. It’ll be fun, you should come.»

«It’ll be different from the weekend I had planned but yeah, I’ll be there.»

«Great, then I’ll see you tomorrow. Do you know when do we leave?»

«Actually we leave tonight. If you want I can pick you up with my scooter. If that’s not too weird.» His scooter? One of my dreams coming true in the strangest of times.

«No, it’s okay if, you want to. Thanks.» A big smile brightened his beautiful face. That light was back again.

«Great, then I’ll pick you up around six. Don’t be late!»

«How could I be late dickhead, I live here.»

«I just know how you ladies are.»

«I’m sure you do Finn. Come on, I’ll walk you down.»

Those last moments together, laughing and teasing each other, testified that we were great as friends as I always assumed. Finn was the first guy that treated me like a normal person, probably because he didn’t know about my mental history but still. It was nice to have someone that just appreciated me out of reality and not of pity. 

 

The rest of the afternoon passed quite fast. My mum strangely believed my story about sleeping at Chloe’s for two all days and helped me prepare a suitcase. I was happy about this weekend but she seemed way too pleased.  
Of course… BLOODY KARIM.  
I didn’t even want to start thinking about what those two were going to do in my absence but, on the other hand, who cared? I was going to have the best weekend ever. Friends, booze and lots of fun. WELCOME YOUTH!

«Rae, there’s a guy waiting for you. Same fit boy as always.» My mom had a point but she didn’t have to shout about Finn’s perfection.

«Right, tell him I’m on my way.»

«But you’re not. You haven’t finished the suitcase yet.»

«I’ll be down in a minute or two. Maybe five.» Finn had his point this morning. He did know girls and how incredibly late we could be. Fortunately mum came to the rescue and in ten minutes I was ready to go.

«Didn’t you say you were going to stay at Chloe’s?» SHIT. I’M SO SCREWED.

«Yeah, he’s just driving me there, because I have the suitcase you know.»

«Oh but that is so nice of him. I should thank him properly.»

«No need to really. I’ll thank him for you.»

«Oh, non sense. He’s right here.» SHIT.  
«Hi love.» Love, really mum? LOVE?  
«I wanted to thank you for taking Rae to her friend. What’s your name, love?» Again with the love thing?

«I’m Finn, Mrs. Earl. Finn Nelson.»

«Oh, what a wonderful name. You are seriously so kind, isn’t he Rae?» GOD, THIS IS SO EMBARASSING. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

«Yeah, he’s just great. Now, we need to go mum. I’ll see you in two days.»

Finn was barely holding himself together and I could definitely seeing him laughing his ass out as I sat in the car. Once we left the house behind us he just burst out.

«So not funny, Finn. My mum is a nightmare.»

«No, your mum is sweet. And I am fit according to her.» He couldn’t stop himself from laughing. And I followed instantly.

«I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. Guess you were right this morning. Girls are generally late.»

«What are you talking about? It was only ten minutes.»

«Right, well thanks anyway. So, since we're in here, why the car?»

«Because it’s a two hours trip and with the scooter we would have ended up without fuel in less than an hour. Plus it’s more comfortable this way, although it would have been nice having you with my hands around my waist.» 

I opened my mouth in shock at those words left Finn’s mouth and he realized in a second what he had just said.

«Jesus, I’m so sorry Rae. I don’t know why I say those things all the time.» Time to be brave Rae. Time to be brave.

«I guess I just inspire you.» Finn smirked at me.

«I guess you really do girl.»

«So, changing the subject, what’s this place like? Have you ever been there?»

«Once. It’s nice, I guess. Still, we’ll have to adjust for the sleep part.»

«What do you mean?»

«I mean that he doesn’t have lots of spots for us to sleep in. I think I’ll probably stay in the car for the night.»

«We’ll find a way but you’re not sleeping in a car Finn. I forbid it.»

«You’re the one who calls the shots anyway Rae.» Ouch.  
«See? I always say twattish things. I’m sorry.» 

«That’s my line dickhead.»

«Never heard you saying it.»

«That’s because I say it my head all the time.»

«Oh, I see. In that case, the line is mine. You can’t take what’s mine Earl.» 

We kept talking and talking all the way until Chop’s friend place. It was a modest house with a big yard but Finn was right. There was no way we could all fit in that residence.  
The rest of the gang was already there and Chop introduced me to Peter, the house owner and some of his friends, Josh, George and Matthew. The only thing I could say to describe them, at first impact, is HOT. WAY TOO HOT. Not Finn’s hot but still…

«Right, Raemundo, we have already thought through the rooms and it’s seriously a blessing that you and Finn boy are an item cause you can take the car. This place it’s too small for all of us.»

«The car? Really?» I hadn’t stopped too much thinking about the fact that Finn hadn’t told anyone we broke up. It was probably because he didn’t want the others to know that the fat whale dumped him, Finn perfection Nelson.

«Yeah, you’re probably going to be busy doing other things so it doesn’t matter where do you spend the night, right?» Finn arrived to the rescue but he was too late for that. I already knew everything. Time to play along.

«You’re right Chop, Finn and I will be too busy shagging around anyway, right LOVE?» I passed an hand through his hair and slapped nicely his ass. Jesus, his ass was so beautiful I had to stop myself from crying when I looked at it. I smirked at him and I went back to the car, grabbing the suitcase I left inside. I could feel him walking him behind me.

«I’m sorry about that Rae, really. I should have told them, it’s just…»

«It’s okay Finn, I get it.»

«You do?»

«Of course. You had lots of girlfriends and getting dumped after a day ruins your reputation. It’s totally fine.»

«My reputation? Who gives a fuck about my reputation? I didn’t tell them because I hoped… you know what? Never mind, I was clearly wrong. Give me the suitcase, I’ll take it inside.»

«No, it’s fine, I can take it.»

«Give me the damn suitcase Rae.» It was more an order than an unrequested help but I knew he just wanted to take off. I had been a bitch thinking that he didn’t tell his friends about us because of his status but I just couldn’t believe he actually liked me. It was just surreal. He was Finn Nelson for fuck’s sake.

 

«Rae, what was that all about?» 

«Oh Izzy, I’m such an idiot. I broke up with him.»

«That’s why he seems so down today. Why did you do that? I though you liked him.»

«Oh I do Izzy, you have no idea how much. I’m just messed up.»

«You know what? This weekend is your answer. You need to get him back.»

«I can’t Iz, I screwed up big times. I basically told him he’s selfish.»

«Just talk to him. Everything will be fine, he likes you a lot Rae. Just be yourself.»

Be myself. Easier said than done. I had never tried to win back a guy, basically because no one never minded me that much to be my boyfriend but, more importantly because, even if there was someone, I never thought I could have sent him away. Especially not someone as special as Finn. I needed the aid of an expert. I needed Chloe. She wasn’t our number one fan but she was still my friend. And she was, as usual, surrounded by boys. Time to drop the big guns. 

«Chloe, can you come upstairs with me for a moment?»

«Sure babe.» The boys seemed to be drooling over her shadow walking away. GROSS.  
«What’s up Rae?»

«I need your help Chloe.»

«Whatever you need babe.»

«Well, it’s Finn. I might have broken up with him.»

«You did what?»

«Look, it’s a long story just, please help me getting him back. Please. You’re the genius in this area.»

«I’ve got this covered babe, trust me. You just have to make him jealous.» WHAT NOW?

«How can I do that?»

«Let me handle that. Just know that, when I’ll blink you’ll have to kiss.»

«What’s that supposed to mean?»

«Come on, the guys are calling for us. Time for a big party. Remember: if I blink, you kiss.»

I wasn’t exactly sure about this blinking-kissing thing but she definitely knew the most of it. She dated lots and lots of boys so she knew what she was talking about. I just hoped Finn was like the rest of the guys. At least for the night.

 

«Right, since you’re all here, time for ‘spin the bottle’.» Oh, shit. That’s what the blinking-kissing was about.

«Again with the spin the bottle, Chop? Aren’t we too old for that?»

«I think it could be fun.» Words came out of my mouth on their own as a response to Finn’s statement. 

«Yeah, Raemundo knows what we’re talking about. Let’s get this party started Finn, come on. No one will kiss your girlfriend without your permission.»

Chop spinned the bottle for a first time and it landed on Chloe and then on Peter, the house owner. There was a bit of tongue in it and Chloe didn’t seem to mind it.  
The second time it landed on Finn and then on Archie. Uh-oh, this is going to be interesting.

«Raemundo, your boys are about to kiss each other. You’re a lucky lady.»

«I guess I really am Chop.»

There was a soft kiss on the lips with no tongue. Although I don’t think Archie would have minded.

«Archie boy, you’re the only guy I could kiss on the mouth in front of my girl.» Why did he insist on calling me ‘his girl’? Maybe there was a chance after all.

Chop spinned the bottle again. And this time it landed on Matthew and me. Shit. This is show time. Finn seemed quite upset but he couldn’t actually say anything about it. Chloe blinked at me twice but I had no idea what that meant. Tongue maybe? Or touching hands? Shit, what do I do now?  
Mouths touched and the guy slid his tongue into mine. It tasted like vodka which it was probably what he had been drinking all night and while I returned the kiss someone grabbed Matthew and gave him a punch in the face.

«Finn what the fuck are you doing mate? It’s just a game.» Chop grabbed Finn’s arm and tried to talk sense into him while he turned to me, furiously. 

«So, you don’t have a problem kissing people, you have a problem kissing me. If you don’t wanna be with me you just have to say it, but don’t take the piss out of me. I know I’m shit for you, you’re great, and funny, and brilliant and incredibly beautiful and I’m just… me, but please if you don’t wanna be with me just say it. You don’t have to come up with insane apologies.»

I was in shock. I knew I should have started talking but words were just stuck in my mouth and I couldn’t get them out. He thought he wasn’t good enough for me? He thought that? How on Earth could he think that?

«You don’t speak uh? And I thought I was the one who couldn’t talk. I have a confession to make people. Rae is not my girlfriend anymore so if anyone of you wants to step forward I’m not going to punch you.»

«What the hell are you doing Finn?» Tears were cracking my voice out but I managed to say a few things.

«I’m helping you out Rae. There are a lot of guys around here and… oh fuck!» He passed over me and went upstairs shouting. I just couldn’t believe how I fucked everything between us.

«Rae you need to go talk to him. NOW. GO. » 

Chop was right. I couldn’t let him walk away from me like that. He had been clear with me from the beginning so why did I have failed about seeing things just as they were? I was afraid of being deceived, of being let down when I was the one who had done all those thing to the only boy I’d ever loved. My Finn.  
Once I got upstairs, I knocked at the door but he didn’t answered so I walked in.

«Finn, may I? I know I’m the last person you wanna see right now but I need to talk to you.»

«Oh, and that’s always about what you want isn’t it? What if I want to be left alone? What if I wanna cry myself out on my own? No, because Rachel Earl has to talk to me and I have to listen and understand, right? You know what? I’m sick of this, Rae. I'm sick of listening and understand everything and everyone. You said we were done so WE. ARE. DONE. Now, get out.»

«I’m not going anywhere, and not because I want to talk to you, but because you want. And because we need to.»

«Well, that’s just great isn’t it? Now you even know what I want. Jesus, you are bloody incredible Rae. You have not idea of what I want. You have none.»

«Why don’t you tell me then?»

«I want to be able to tell everyone you are my girlfriend. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I’ll see you and you’ll be happy to see me. I want to kiss every little inch of your perfect skin. I want to… I just want you. And I can’t have you.»

I was in complete and total shock. From “I’m not good with speaking” to this. It was a much needed conversation but still, it was absurd and incredibly frightening to hear those words from him. 

«How can you feel this way about me? We have known each other for…»

«A week, yeah, I know. It seems crazy doesn’t it? But, I’m done lying to protect myself from hurting too much.»

«It doesn’t seem crazy at all. I feel the same way. I’ve lived most of my life in denial, thinking that I wasn’t going to be enough for anyone. But then you came into my life and everything changed. You changed me, and in a good way. I thought we couldn’t be together because the things you don’t know about me, Finn, aren’t simple things to talk about but I’m ready to take a chance on us, if you’ll have me.»

«Are you sure? Because I don’t want to force you into anything that you don’t-» I shut him up with a kiss. I didn’t feel nervous or upset as I thought I would be. The contact with his lips was warm and needy. It started off as a chaste kiss but then the urge of us being finally together took the best of us and it was all teeth and groans for a minute or two. It was wet and dirty but also caring and kind. It was perfect. 

«Better as friends you said, uh?»

«You’re such a dickhead sometimes, Finn.»


	7. Better as friends, uh? (part 2)

I couldn’t believe what had happened earlier that night. I’ve always been the type of girl who used to say “I’m gonna shag that guy until there’s nothing left of him” but with Finn, it had all been different. He made me feel different and, apparently, the same thing happened to him. The thought of making love to him never really left my brain but I was confident we were going to take things real slow and I was ok with it. Us being together felt strange at first but now, everything was in the right place. Him and me, laying in his car, hands untwined, looking at each other. None of us wanted to sleep. None of us actually could sleep. 

«What are you thinking about Rae?»

«I’m thinking about how things can change in just two days.»

«Yeah, I know. From being together, to breaking up and getting back together again. I prefer the first and the last part, in case you were wondering.» 

«Oi you… always the romantic one, uh?»

«I’ve never been the romantic guy. I guess you do this to me.» He crunched his nose and smirked at me. He was so beautiful I couldn’t believe he was my boyfriend. How could this be reality? What did I do to deserve him?

«Can I take the credit then?»

«You can take whatever you want from me, Rae.» 

He came closer and kissed me softly. I swear I could have kissed him forever. His hands were in my hair and, after a small chaste kiss, he raised his eyebrows asking me if he could take more. I barely nodded, his perfection was so paralyzing I couldn’t even move my mouth to spell a simple ‘yes’.  
Once his mouth was on mine again, I parted my lips and he slid his tongue inside.   
Some people might say, by simply watching at us, that this was wrong, how could a guy like Finn want someone like me but, to me, in that simple moment, everything was right and perfect. We were good for each other and, even if being with him, meant I should have relieved my past and talking through some stuff with him, I could do it, because I knew, he would have been there, despite everything. 

We were spending the night talking, laughing, kissing and teasing each other. It was amazing.

«I think we should stop here.» 

«Why?»

«Because if we continue I might not be able to stop. I want you, Rae, believe me I do but, it’s too soon.»

«Oh, sure. Taking things slow, I almost forgot.»

«If you keep being this pretty every bloody time we’re together I might forget it, too. You are just… too much for me sometimes. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.»

«Well, Finn, you know, I’ve a soft spot for lost causes so…» It was supposed to be a joke but he thought I was being serious. He raised his eyes to mine, barely breathing. I thought I was the one with self-esteem problems in this relationship but I realized in that moment, we were both messed up. Relationship. It still sounds odd.  
«No, Finn, I was just teasing ya. I’m with you because you’re the greatest guy I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere with anyone else. I promise.» Suddenly, he was breathing again.

«Girl, you can’t do this to me. Not after last time.»

«I’m sorry, I was being a dickhead.»

«I thought I was the dickhead in this.» He smirked.

«Oh you definitely are Nelson.»

«And you are definitely going to be sorry for saying that.»

He started tickling me and I was laughing so hard I had to shut myself up with his T-shirt. It had the ‘Nelson fragrance’ all over it and I thought I was about to drool. A mix of CK One and sex. Yes, he smelled of sex. And to smell it, it was sufficient to look at him.   
An hour later, I quietly fell asleep in his arms, the safest place in the world. Not the Chippy’s, not my bedroom. His gorgeous and overprotective arms. 

 

************

 

«You’re so beautiful Rae, I can’t believe you’re mine…» The sun was doing his great entrance through the window’s car and I was waking up when I started hearing Finn softly talking to me. It was kind of a whisper and I pretended to be asleep for a little longer, he was being such a cutie, I just couldn’t stop him there. Unfortunately, a giggle betrayed me and I had to open my eyes. It was the best morning of my life. Opening my eyes and the first thing I see, it’s the face of my beautiful Finn. 

«Oi you. How long have you been awake?»

«Just a little. You were being so romantic I couldn’t exactly shut you down.»

«You know I can say the same things while you’re awake, right?»

«Yeah but it was sweet. I’ve never woken up like this. It was… well, it was glorious.»

«Let’s make it unforgettable too, then.» He leaned towards me and kissed me. Hard. I thought I was going to loose all of my self-control but he didn’t seem to mind. Perhaps the “taking things slow” was over now? Was I ready for more?  
He started placing kisses on my cheek and then he went for my neck. His hands were all over me and I slip my hand under his T-shirt. Touching his bare skin felt incredibly intimate and I was deeply happy to do it but, once he slid his hand under my shirt, I froze.   
He immediately took his hand away and looked at me, scared he had done something wrong.

«It’s not you Finn, I just, I think it’ll take some time to me for.. well you know…»

«It’s okay girl really. No rush. I just got caught up in the moment, I’m sorry, I should have known better.»

«You don’t have to be sorry of anything Finn, I want this, too. You‘re so amazing, I want you to know that.» It was weird that I, mental Rae Earl, was giving reassurance to a guy like Finn. How could he not like himself? What’s there not to like?

«Now who’s the romantic one, dickhead?»

«I swear if you call me dickhead once more I’ll have you tortured.»

«Oh yeah? And how are you planning on doing that?» He was clearly teasing. Time to play his game.

«Nelson I have ways of torture you can’t even imagine.»

«Can’t wait to know them all Earl.» He was kissing me again when we heard Chop calling for us, banging about something I didn’t completely understand.

«Come on now, we should go or Chop will have us killed.»

«No one will kill you girl, you’re safe with me.» TOO. DAMN. SWEET.

 

************

 

What I thought had been the sun of an early morning, had revealed itself as a normal sun of 12 PM. We were all in the house, eating and telling crappy jokes, but Finn and I were basically staring at each other, his hands on my leg and I was desperate. Why on Earth did I stop him in the car, earlier? I wanted this as much and maybe more as he did but, for some twisted reason, I had said no.   
While his hands were still on me I was begging myself to keep calm but, at some point, I couldn’t take it anymore. 

«Finn, can I talk to you for a minute outside?» The lads made quite a few noises of approval thinking about some filthy rendezvous between Finn and I, and the girls smiled at me. Even Chloe.

«Sure thing, girl. Whatever you need.»

As I lead him out, I chose my words carefully. I didn’t want it to sound any different from what I was thinking.

«What is it girl? You’re scaring me, being all quiet and stuff.»

«No, everything it’s fine I was just wondering… you know… about “our” weekend.»

«Yeah, what about it?» He didn’t seem to understand.

«No Finn, I mean OUR weekend.»

«Yeah, I heard you the first time Rae. Our weekend has been great so far, hasn’t it?»

«Of course, but I wasn’t thinking about this one.» His face was a mix of blankness and incredulity. 

«Oh, “that” weekend. Yeah, it’s a shame we missed it but we’ll have a rain check.»

«Well, we could have it right now. Your father still out, right?»

«You mean you wanna leave now and stay at mine? Until tomorrow?» I looked down. He didn’t want this after all.

«I’m sorry it was a dumb idea, we should get inside.»

«No, I mean, it’s just, I didn’t think you would have liked it. I was thinking about it too, this morning, while I was watching you sleep. I wondered what it would be like if I could have you in my bedroom.» He smiled and placed a kiss on my left cheek.  
«Between my sheets.» Another one on the right one.  
«Your smell all over the place.» And one on my mouth.

«Jesus, you have to stop doing that.»

«You don’t like it?»

«I like it too much to stand on my own feet if you keep doing that. I want to go to your place Finn. Like now.» He smiled and kissed me again, softly as always.

«I’ll tell the others, you get in, girl.»

While I reached the car I could hear Chop laughing out loud in sign of approval; he was our number one fan.   
Now it was just time to be brave. The moment I had always dreamed about was almost there and I had a little time to prepare myself. Two hours in a car with Finn though, were tough to handle without sliding a hand under his shirt or through his hair.

«You’re okay girl, are you sure you wanna go? We don’t have to, we can’t stay with the gang if you prefer.»

«Well, let’s see: one day and a half with my boyfriend, alone, at his house, or playing ‘spin the bottle’ with a bunch of guys. Yeah, I think I’ll go with the first one Finn, thanks.» He smiled at me while he sat in the car.

«By the way, you’re not playing ‘spin the bottle’ ever again, right? Those lips are mine Earl.» Teasing time.

«Which lips?» he smirked and came closer placing a kiss on my mouth. It was so dirty and wet I thought I was going to come just with that.

«Now, I can stay all day long kissing those lips but we have to move girl.»

«Never stop doing that.»

«Kissing your lips? Never.»

«No, well... that too. I meant calling me ‘girl’. It’s nice.»

«You’ll be my girl as long as you’ll have me.»

«Just drive the car, dickhead.»

 

************

 

I already had been at his place once but now, everything was different. I felt incredibly nervous during all the ride but once I got out of his car, everything was deeper, I thought I was going to collapse until he took my hand in his. I raised my eyes until I met his and, with just one look, my breath calm down. He was my medicine, my love, my friend, he was my everything.

«Shit, we left our suitcases at the house.»

«It’s okay. We won’t… erm… nothing.» Boys don’t do subtle but this was too much.

«What were you saying?»

«Nothing really. You know I love your place Finn? It’s so… YOU.»

«Changing the subject Earl. Not fair. I wanna know what happens in that great mind of yours.»

«Maybe later I’ll tell you. So, what should we do…» I couldn’t even finish the sentence that I was already against the wall, Finn’s hands all over me. His tongue in my mouth, searching, touching, feeling, loving. It was paradise. I didn’t have to finish my sentence after all. He already knew what I was going to say.

«You will be the death of me, Rachel Earl, just so you know.»

«You’re the one who’s kissing me, Nelson.»

«Yeah, because I just can’t help myself. So, you wanna go upstairs? I’ve got some music you might wanna hear or, I don’t know girl, what do you want?» Be brave Rae, be brave!

«I want you. Last night you said you wanted me and you couldn’t have me. Well, now you do. And I want you, too. Always have.» Finn was starting to blush. I had always thought he had had lots and lots of girls but, since we were together I was starting to think I was his first. Or, at least, the first important relationship. 

«I thought this morning you said you wanted to wait, I don’t want to force you Rae. If you wanna wait, it’s fine by me.»

«Finn, this morning I was being a dickhead, as always. I want you, I really do. That if you’ll have me.»

«Of course Rae, of course I do.» We were still against the wall and I could feel through his jeans that he was having a stiffy. I was causing Finn Nelson a stiffy. It was so inappropriate but I burst out of laughter. 

«What are you laughing at girl?»

«I’m sorry it’s just your… are you having a stiffy right now Nelson?» He looked so embarrassed and he burst into laughter with me.

«I’m sorry girl, I think it’ll do as an answer at your previous question.» I smiled back at him and he kissed me.

************

While guiding me to his room, he never stopped the kissing. He was gentle and soft as always but this time there was also passion, like I’ve never heard before. I shouldn’t have broke the kiss but I wanted to know.

«Finn, I was wondering something.»

«What is it, girl?»

«How many times have you done it before? The sex, I mean.» He looked confused. Of couse he did… what kind of a question was that?

«Ehm… you want the exact number?» WOW, that many times???

«I see. I just want you to know that… how do I put this?»

«That you never did it?» I nodded.  
«That’s okay, neither have I.» WHAT NOW?  
«I mean… we’re not about to have sex Rae.»

«We are not?» What the fuck is happening right now?

«No, we are about to make love. And I never did it. And I’m glad if it means I’ll have it for the first time with you.» I was standing right in front of him, mouth opened in shock. He basically told me he loved me. Finn Nelson loved me. And he never loved anyone else, but me. 

«Jesus, how do you know every fucking time what are the right things to say Finn? How?» He smiled blushing.

«I told you yesterday. You inspire me.»

«I’m so sorry I screwed things up this morning. I really am.»

«I am not. Because now we are here, just the two of us without Chop banging about some shitty thing.» We both laughed and then we just stared at each other. We just couldn’t stop gazing.

«Stop staring at me.»

«You stop staring at me, dickhead.»

«I can’t, you’re too beautiful.» 

I shut him up raising a finger over his mouth and I pushed him over the bed. We were about to make love in his bedroom and, I was a little jealous about that. If that would have been my room, I could have kept the memory with me everyday, for the rest of my life. But still, this was as romantic as it should have been. I took his T-shirt off and I took a moment to admire the perfection of his body but, that was sufficient to Finn to switch position and laying me under him. I felt his pressure over me and it was the nicest feeling I’d ever felt. He never stopped kissing me, on my mouth, on my neck and with his hands he push down a little my shirt, tasting with his index my breasts. His breath was getting deeper and he started kissing my collarbone going down and down. I was in heaven. He raised his eyes asking for my permission and I nodded. He kept kissing me, tracing weird symbols with his tongue on my skin but once I felt his hands on my waist I tried to keep calm, I tried to smile at him, to kiss him, to think that it was ok, he wasn’t going to run away once he’d seen the real me, under my clothes.  
I kept telling that to myself but it was damn hard. I moved his hands up a little and he understood something was wrong. I quickly kissed him, passionately but that didn't do.

«It’s okay Finn. It’s okay.»

«Are you sure? We can stop if you want.»

«No, I want this. I do. Just kiss me.» He wasn’t too much confident but he went back kissing me, with less passion than before. When his hands went back on my waist I couldn’t take it anymore and I abruptly pushed him away, with more violence that I would have like to put there.

«I’m sorry Finn, I just can’t do this.»

«Hey, it’s alright, I told you there’s no rush.»

«But what if I’m not gonna be ready for a long time? You don’t deserve this.»

«Rae… please.»

«I told you we shouldn’t have been together. And, yes, today has been great and, yes, you are so amazing but, I’m not right for you. I don’t wanna make you suffer. I should just go.»

«If you leave now, I will suffer. I swear Rae, I will suffer like crazy. I’ve never been comfortable with a girl like I am with you. If you can’t make love to me then, we won’t do it. I can live without sex but not without you. I can’t. I won’t.» He quickly came towards me and kissed me hard on the mouth. In that kiss there were all the words he couldn’t say in that moment and I heard them all. He loved me and I loved him. For him, I could win my fears. I had to. I wanted to.

«I swear if you bring out again that crap about us being better as friends, I’m gonna kill you Rae.»

«I won’t dickhead. I wanna be with you but, there’s just so much that’s wrong about me.»

«Wrong? You are perfect Rae.»

«Perfect? I’m a mental case, Finn.»

«You don’t have to talk about yourself like that. I don’t wanna hear you talk about yourself like that ever again. To me, you are perfect. Now, can we just lay down together? You should sleep too, you can stay the night if you still want.»

«I don’t have any clothes.»

«You said it was okay earlier.»

«Yeah but that’s because…» OH FUCK YOU RAE!  
«That’s because I thought we weren’t going to need them anyway.»

«So that’s what you were trying to say earlier? Why didn’t you?»

«Well, look at what have I done. It’s probably for the best I didn’t.»

«I’m just happy to have you here girl. I wanna wake up with you tomorrow so, don’t slip away through the night, right? Tomorrow morning I’ll take you home.» He didn’t want me to stay anymore. And how could I blame him? I had been such a freak with him.

«Ehi, why are you crying now?»

«I just… I just screwed us up again haven’t I? That’s why you want me to go tomorrow.»

«No babe, no. I thought you wanted to go home. If I could, I would keep you in here every day of my life. If you wanna stay, I’m happy to have you girl.»

«You sure?»

«Of course I am dickhead.»

«Stop calling me a dickhead, you’re the dickhead.»

«Whatever you say girl.»


	8. I love you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae tells Finn about her past and Finn tells some truths of its own.

Sunday, 21st July 1996

Dear diary,  
there are two things you need to know about me:  
1- I am, again, for real, Finn Nelson's girlfriend!!!  
2- My mom is off to Tunisia with her boyfriend Karim because some twat tipped off immigration and the police is probably headed to my place right now. Bright side? The house is mine! Like Finn! Have I said this already? I am Finn Nelson's fucking girlfriend.  
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL TODAY!

 

Since I was born, I can't recall a Sunday like this one. There's so much joy and quiet in my life today. And that's all because I've met this extraordinary guy. This is the first morning that I wake up without him by my side but that's ok, cause I know I'm gonna see him again. And he's going to be happy to see me.  
It's ridiculous, I'm talking like him right now but I can't imagine other words to describe my happiness. I can't believe all these beautiful things are happening to me. I didn't do anything to deserve a guy like him, and I am sure of that but, for some reason, he likes me, and I have to do everything in my power not to screw this up like I'm used to screw up everything else in life. 

Phone's ringing. That's weird. It's only 9AM. I haven't picked up the phone, yet, but I am already smiling because I'm 99% sure it's him. My Finn.

«Hello?»

«Hey girl it's me. Already up?» The way he used to call me "girl" made my legs tremble every fucking time. 

«Hey you, yep. My mom woke me up like an hour ago because she went away for a few days. What about you? It's a little early.»

«Yeah, I couldn't actually sleep without you by my side.» He's so delicious. Too delicious.  
«Anyway, what were you saying? Your mom left? Why?» SHIT. What do I say know?

«Yeah, she went off to, ehm, Italy, I think.»

«You think?»

«No, I mean, I know. We have some parents over there.» Sure, parents in Italy. If I was in such a luck I would have moved years ago.

«So, you're saying you're all alone in that big house?»

«It's not that big Finn. There's barely room for two people.» You are such a twat Rachel Earl. He's clearly flirting.  
«But now that you mention it, actually yeah, I feel like I need someone else's presence in the house, you know?»

«Oh really? And who would you like to call? Maybe I can help.»

«Oh don't worry about it, I'm gonna call the girls and we're gonna have an amazing sleepover together.» I could hear his breath stopping across the phone. It was too hilarious to have him struggle for me.

«Oh, of course. You're gonna have lots of fun girl.»

«You are such a dickhead sometimes Nelson, you know that? I could never have a sleepover without you in it.»

«Earl, you are the dickhead. But, are you sure you want me there?»

«I wouldn't want anyone else. Come around 11?»

«Wow, an entire day with my girlfriend. Sure, I'll be there babe. Laters...»

I wanted to have him in my house, in my life, so badly, it almost hurt.  
But being with him and not telling him about my past felt as wrong as the first time. And now that things were serious between us and that I knew I could trust him, I needed to be honest. I had always thought that honesty and trust were fundamental for a relationship and, while he was being completely himself with me, I was being a liar. But no more.

I only had two hours to prepare myself, to clean the house, to get dressed and to freak out. Just a little. Two hours were more than sufficient to do every... shit, the door. How is it possible that today my house is an harbor?

«What the hell are you doing here? It's 9.30, I said come around at 11.»

«I am so pleased that some things never change girl. I just wanted to see you earlier. Is that a bad thing?» He was smiling at me, with his puppy eyes, raising an his eyebrows, and he was too hot for me to handle.

«No, of course not, but my house it's still a mess and I still need to get dressed.»

«You don't have to do anything for me. Especially not the second one.» 

«And you ask me why you are a dickhead? Come on in.» 

He was wearing his usual flannel shirt and a pair of jeans. He was so hot I wanted to throw him on the couch. Maybe I will.

«So, what do you want to do today?» He was clearly flirting. Again.

«I don't know... we could watch a movie or something.»

«A movie sounds great. But don't give me some romantic crap, all right?»

«Nelson, do you know who you're talking to? I hate romantic movies. We're watching an horror.»

«That's my girl.»

I used to love horror movies but they terrified me like I was a little baby. Fortunately, Finn was with me today so I could just jump onto him whenever I got scared. Being next to him felt incredibly good, it was like the safest place in the all world. Every time he hugged me, or kissed or just held my hand, the world stopped turning and we were just him and me, against everyone else.  
The movie was scarier than usual and it was natural for me, getting closer to Finn.

«If you are this scared we could have watched something else.»

«If you don't want me close to you, you just have to say it.» Since we last spoke, we had never been this close and maybe, since I didn't want to have sex, he didn't want me anymore. I couldn't believe he was that kind of guy but I couldn't say either that he was wrong. I was the weird one. I had the fittest lad in Lincolnshire as a boyfriend and I didn't want to have sex with him. STUPID! 

«Who's the dickhead now? Of course I want you close. So close I'd love for us to be a single person. But, if you come that close to me, I might not be able to send you away.»

«Who says you have to?»

«You did. Last night when we were... you know. And I'm not pressuring you.»

«Why do you wanna be with me? I'm such...»

«You're what? The most beautiful girl on the planet?» 

«How can you say that? I know you're just trying to be polite and I appreciate that but, I am not beautiful. Or pretty. Or decent. I am nothing.»

«I already told you this. I don't like hear you talking like that about yourself. You're amazing Rae, and you should know it. But, if you don't, I'll be here every day to remind you of that.» 

And in that moment, everything was perfect again. Finn was able to change every insecurity into some sort of strength. He didn't do it out of pity and, for the first time, I felt like he loved me. He didn't say it but I could read it in his eyes. He was the sweetest guy I could ever wish for and I had to give him something in return. Something I knew he wanted even if I didn't really comprehend why.  
My lips were onto his in a second and, after a brief moment of uncertainty, he kissed me back, softly, gently and then passionately.  
It was like paradise.

«How can you think I don't like you after a kiss like that?»

«I know.. I am a dickhead.»

«Glad to hear you say it.» We were laughing and teasing each other, one minute like babies and the next one like lovers. He was my sunshine and I was his.

«Finn, I want to talk to you about something.»

«Sure girl, what is it?»

«Last night, when I said I couldn't do, you know... well, that, I didn't mean it like I don't want to, because I do, I really do, it's just that, it's difficult for me to...» Words couldn't really come out but tears were ready to go.

«Babe, it's fine. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I don't wanna see you cry over me.»

«No, I have to. Otherwise I'll never be able to talk to you about that. And it's important that you know. I might not be able to do that for a very long time and if you wanna do it, which I would completely understand...»

«I'm gonna stop right there Rae. I know it's your time to talk but I really need to say this. I like you, a lot. I wanna be with you, because you are, well, you are YOU. If I wanted to shag someone, and never see her again, I could have done it, but I want you. And if that means we're going to wait, if that means we're NEVER going to do it, that's fine by me. I just want to be with you.»

«I don't know what to say Finn.»

«Well, that would be the first time. Now, please, go on with your speech.»

«Do you remember that time, when you told me I was the most normal person you'd ever met?» He nodded.  
«Well, that was a lie. I am not normal. I am a mental case.» He was already interrupting me but I shut him up, raising a finger over his mouth.  
«Please, let me finish. I'm not a mental case like I'm some kind of crazy person who thinks she's ugly and doesn't deserve a perfect guy like you, which I am by the way. I'm a mental case because I'm actually mad. I was admitted into a mental home four months ago, because I tried to hurt myself. And I succeeded, just not as deep as I wanted to.» Finn was staring at me, speechless, holding his breath and waiting for me to finish. I was hurting him in a way I'd never hurt anyone, not even myself. Physical pain was nothing compared to what I was inflicting him in that moment. But I needed to go on.  
«I was alone, I had no friends, a bad relationship with my mother, and everyone I had around kept telling me I was nothing, I was useless, so I thought, why not? The world is going to be better off without me. And so I did it. I cut myself.» He was getting pale and he started biting his fingers. I knew that wasn't a good sign so I tried to take his hands into mine, I tried to calm him down but with no success. He stood up, walking around the room, hands in his head, still silent. After a few minutes he came back, took my hands into his, washed off tears from my face and told me to keep going.  
«After I was stable I started therapy with a psychiatrist and we're working on my insecurities but I am better now. I really am.» He was still staring at me, quietly.

«Please Finn, say something. I know this is a shock to you and I understand if you wanna break up with me but please, just say something.» It sounded like a prayer more than a simple request but that's what it was. I was praying for him to stay with me because I was starting to feel better since I met him.

«I love you.» I couldn't believe he said it. I knew he felt it, I could read it in his eyes, but hear him saying it, after all he just learned about me was insane. Beautifully insane.

«What did you say?»

«I said, I love you.»

«Why did you say so? Why now?»

«Because it was the right time. I have loved you since I first met you, I just didn't realize it, until now. And you are a foul if you think I'm gonna break up with you because of your past. I love you even more for that and for finding the courage to tell me about it. I love you, Rae.»

«I love you, too Finn, you have no idea. I love you like crazy, I've never thought I could feel this way about someone. You are... I can't even describe how much I love you.»

«I know. Me neither. You know I'm no good with words but I swear I'll find them for you. For us. You just have to promise me one thing.»

«Whatever you want.»

«If you ever feel alone again, if you feel like you're nothing, you call me and you let me tell you all the reasons why you are everything to me, alright? I couldn't survive if something bad happen to you. Okay, girl?» I nodded. Words weren't necessary. Now I knew I had someone waiting for me, and I could never hurt him the way I'd hurt myself.

«You really are perfect Finn Nelson.»

«Nah, I'm nothing but ordinary.»

«You know, I love ordinary. It's so simple and clean. I just love it.» He smiled at me, head against head, sharing breaths, and short kisses. Now that he knew the biggest part of me, everything was more intimate. Even a small smile felt like a conquer. He knew all of me and he didn't leave. He loved me even more for it. And I loved him for saying that.

«You know, since we're sharing history, there's something I want to tell you, too.»

«Go on then. Can't wait to hear about the skeletons in your closet, Nelson.» 

«I'm not going to college this year.» What now?

«Wait, that's your big skeleton?» 

«No, that's just the first part. I haven't told anyone about this, not even Archie, so just keep it for yourself for now.»

«You're scaring me Finn. What is it?»

«Two months ago I applied for the army and I got in. I'm leaving for Iraq in three weeks.» In that moment, the perfect bubble I was living in, crashed. War? He was going to fight in Iraq? Why on Earth would he want to sign for this?

«Wow, that's a big skeleton. Why didn't you tell me sooner?»

«Because I didn't know how. When I first signed I had nothing to loose. I never enjoyed college and I needed to get away. Then you came in, destroyed my life and made me fall for you and now I can't imagine leaving you.»

«Well, can't you say you've changed your mind?»

«I already tried. That's why I was up so early this morning. I called everyone I could but there's no way I can say no. I have to go.»

«How long will you be gone?»

«Six months for now.» Six months? How can I survive without him six months?

«It's going to be hard without you here Nelson. But I'll survive.» I was trying to be supportive since I knew there was nothing we could do to change things and he was already feeling like shit for leaving me, but it was hard.

«You don't have to be supportive Rae. I know you hate this as much as I do.» 

«Yeah but there's nothing we can do right?»

«Unfortunately no.» He took me in his arms and we stayed there, quietly sobbing and crying for an hour. He was going to serve the country but it was incredibly dangerous. And what could I do if he didn't come home, at all? What if he became a war hero? I would be proud of him, sure, but then what? We were just kids, for fuck's sake. What was he thinking?

«Promise me you'll come back to me.»

«I will Rae. I can't live without you, you know that.»

«And I can't live without you either. So promise me you will be back.»

«I promise girl. You're going to have me around for many years, trust me. You're not gonna get rid of me.» 

«Good. I still need to teach you some things about music, Nelson.» 

«Whatever you say girl.» 

We spent the entire afternoon kissing and hugging, knowing that we couldn't do it for a very long time. We promised each other to write a letter every day but we knew that, with the war going on, letters were going to be delayed or even lost. Life was putting us in front of a major trial but I was positive we were going to win this. Nothing is more powerful than love. At least that's what they say. 

«What are you doing, girl?»

«Making dinner.»

«You can cook?»

«No, but you can appreciate the effort.»

«I'm sure it'll be great. I love you.» It was still weird to hear him saying those words to me, but I could listen to him saying them all the time.  
«What's up girl?»

«Nothing. I love you too, Finn.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to write this. Thanks for all the likes and the views, you are awesome.


	9. Honesty is everything.

Wednesday, 24th July 1996

Dear diary,  
my life has been thrown upside down.   
My mom came back from Tunisia and she got married to that Karim guy. I really hope he’s not messing around with her. She doesn’t deserve that. I know I say a lot she’s a pain in the ass, but she really isn’t.  
My beautiful and perfect boyfriend he’s off to Afghanistan in less than three weeks and I don’t know how to handle this situation.  
Plus, I have my second session with Kester today. I hope he doesn’t ask anything about Finn. I really wouldn’t know what to say.

I tried to do my best whenever Finn was around but I really wasn’t okay with the situation. I was proud of the fact that he was going in a war zone, I was proud because he was going to give help to the nation, but I had this tremendous feeling that something bad was on our way. We had been together for a week and we couldn’t be too far away from each other, so how could we cope with the fact that we were going to be distant for six bloody months?   
The bare thought of him laying on the ground, hurt or in pain, was hunting my dreams and I could barely get a decent night sleep and he was still home, he was still safe. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it would have been like, once he was really gone. I feared for his life, how could I not, and I knew, deep down, he was scared, too. Scared of everything.   
He did everything in his power to make me feel safe and loved, he didn’t rush into making love, although I knew he would have wanted to do it and, to be fair, so did I. I wanted to give him something of mine, something he could keep in his heart and mind. A photo wasn’t going to be enough, although he insisted in having one.   
I had always hated pictures, I didn’t like being captured in a moment of my life when I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror, but since Finn and I were an item, I started to feel confident enough to take one. That’s how special Finn Nelson was. I had never been comfortable around a guy but he was just so different from everyone else. He was that perfect. And I was so lucky to be chosen by him. Not just because he was so fit and handsome, but because of the man he is. So kind, and generous and selfless. Those were the qualities I loved about him the most. Those were the qualities that made him the perfect guy. 

«Finn’s on the phone, Rae.»

«Thanks mum, I’ll pick it from up here.» My mum. What a mess. I knew I should have been supportive about her decision but I used to find it so bloody difficult. It wasn’t like I despised Karim, he hadn’t done anything wrong, I was just afraid he was going to hurt her, and she had been through enough already, between her daughter’s attempted suicide and his husband leaving home. I just wanted to protect her, the way she had always protected me. 

______________________

That was one of the other many things Finn changed about me, involuntarily. I used to say so many nasty things about my mother but since Finn had opened his heart to me, I was more nice towards everything and everyone. He really did change me for the better with his love. I just hoped I could give him at least a quarter of what he was giving me. 

«Hey you.»

«Alright, girl?» Every time he used to call me girl I used to shake a little. It was such an intimate thing, for me. It made me feel loved.

«Now I am.» I could hear him smile through the phone.  
“What are you up today, Finley?”

«I was thinking I wanted you to meet someone very special to me. If you want to.»

«Of course, who is it?»

«That would be my nan. But she’s staying at the hospital so I thought I could pick you up and then we could go there together.» Since he had told me he had to leave for Afghanistan, he had introduced me to his entire family, including some distant relatives he hadn’t seen in a very long time. Whenever I asked him why he was doing this, he just used to shrug and add “because I’m proud of my girlfriend and I want to show her around”. Like I said, best boyfriend ever.

«I would love to meet your nan, Finn. From what I’ve heard, I feel like I know her already.»

«You are the perfect girlfriend, have I ever told you that?»

«Yes, you have, but keep doing that. I like it.»

«So, when can I come around?»

«Actually I have a therapy session with Kester this morning, so maybe we could just meet at the hospital?»

«Oh sure. Well, I guess I’ll see you later then.» I knew he wanted to ask me something. He wanted to know more about my illness, about my therapy sessions but he didn’t dare to ask. I found it sweet and creepy at the same time; we had such an amazing and honest relationship, he should’ve known he could ask me anything but I thought he was just trying to give me my spaces.   
Plus, he was afraid of what I might have told him. I wanted to share everything about my life with him but maybe, he wasn’t ready to know all about it, yet.  
I wasn’t really excited about my therapy session but I knew I needed it. Even though I had Finn now, that didn’t mean I was healed. I was just a little better but the ride was still very long and the path was unstable sometimes.   
Kester knew what he was talking about, he wasn’t some crappy therapist, telling you the things you should and shouldn’t do. He gave me the freedom of making my own choices, and if I made the wrong ones, I could always say they were mine. I was a human being trying to learn again how to walk again, how to be steady again, how to enjoy life again.

«So, Rachel, it’s been over ten minutes, and you haven’t said a word. What should I think about this?»

«I can’t tell you what you should think. I thought your job was to read my mind and know what’s going on.» 

«Not a mind-reader Rachel, not yet. So, how has this week been?» Married mother, Finn, Finn and Finn again.

«Well, it was fine.» He was raising his eyebrows, probably wondering why did he have to be stuck up with me.  
«I did as you asked.»

«What did I ask you?» 

«You said I needed to get things out there, to find someone to talk to about my mental illness. And I did. I talked to Finn about this.» I still couldn’t believe how Finn had been supportive about this. I had always been afraid about people rejecting me, once they discovered the real me, but Finn had always been different. He was the right person to open up to.

«I honestly didn’t think you’d do that, but I’m glad you felt sure enough. So, how did he react?»

«He told me he loved me.»

«Wow, that’s a big word. Were you ready to hear him say that, Rachel?» What was he on about?

«Why wouldn’t I have been?» 

«Well, sometimes it’s hard to hear someone saying they love you when you’re the one that doesn’t love herself.» 

«It’s different with him.» I hated thinking that Kester was right, that I didn’t love myself enough but there was someone else out there that could see good thing in and about me. How was that even possible? How is it possible for someone to love you more than you love yourself? Or better yet, how is it possible for someone to love you when you hate yourself?

«Oh yeah, why is it?»

«Because I love him, too. We love each other and we’re happy.» No matter the fact that we had lots of things we didn’t know about each other, I knew there was a deep feeling between us and I wasn’t sure about what it was until he had told me he loved me. Once I knew how much he was connected to me, I knew love was the only explanation possible.

«So, you believe he really loves you, right?»

«He said so.»

«What do you think he loves the most about you?» 

«You should ask him.»

«For you to believe that he was telling you the truth, you need to know what things he likes about you the most. Name me at least three.»

«We like the same music, we have the same friends and we like horror movies. There. Three things he likes about me.» Horror movies and same music, really? 

«I think you need to realize that there could be more deep things about you that he could like. Maybe you should ask him.»

«Oh right, and what should I say? Oh Finn, please tell me why you love me. Please.» 

«Why not?» 

«Because it’s stupid, I know why he loves me.» LIE.

«Right, then fill me in.»

«I don’t need to. I know what we have and who we are. That’s it.» BIG LIE.

I knew I shouldn’t have left Kester’s office right away but I couldn’t sit there anymore, talking to some stranger about my feelings for Finn. The reality of it was that Kester made me realize that maybe Finn felt forced into telling me he loved me, because he couldn’t cope with me being ill so he just said that he loved me to change the subject. I hated to think that and I hated Kester even more for letting me think that but, the truth was, I was scared. I couldn’t ask Finn why he loved me because I was afraid of the answer. 

While standing there, leaning on a wall outside the hospital, I could already see Finn coming over me. He was seriously the fittest lad in Lincolnshire, and he was mine. No matter what Kester said, there was no chance I was going to throw all of that away.

«How is it possible that every time I see you, you’re more beautiful than the last time?» I just blushed and started looking down. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be with me.

«You look nice too, Finley.» He gave me a soft smile and just kissed my lips, like it was the most normal thing to do. In that kiss I could feel his love for me. It was sweet and caring and generous, and that’s all a kiss based on love should be. It was the perfect kiss from the perfect boyfriend. 

«I’ve missed you, today.»

«We saw each other last night.»

«I know, but since we shared the same bed, twice, I feel the urge of sleeping with you every night. Something’s missing when you’re not there. I don’t know what I’ll do once I’ll leave.» I hated talking about his leaving but it wasn’t something we could avoid forever. I wondered if I was going to forget the color of his eyes, his freckles, his smell. I hoped I could keep all those things with me. I wanted a part of him with me. Always. 

«I’ll tell what you’ll be doing: you’ll be too busy saving the world and you’ll forget about me.»

«I could never forget you girl. You know I love you.» There it was again. Since he had told me he loved me at my place, he had never said it again. And now, there we were, sharing kisses and smiles and he was telling me once more how he really felt about me. The light in his eyes, the light I was the only one allowed to see, was there, shining brighter than ever, and in that moment I knew, he was dead serious. He did love me. He wasn’t saying it out of compassion or pity. It was just the truth. He loved me and I loved him. 

«I love you too, Finn.» He crunched his nose and then put his arm around me. 

«Right, we should go now, my nan is waiting for us.»

«You told her we were coming?»

«Yeah, I rang her earlier. She’s so happy to meet you.»

«She doesn’t even know me. What if she doesn’t like me, Finn? I know how much she means to you.» What if his nan said I wasn’t enough for her grandson? Not that I could argue with that. How could I be enough for someone so bloody perfect? 

«She will love you, trust me. Besides, what’s there not to love?»

«Stop being so cute, how will I cope without you being here all the time?» He stopped himself and stood right in front of me. My face in his hands.

«We will be fine, I promise girl, we will be fine. I’ll be back before you can even say my name.» I tried not to cry but it was bloody hard. I loved that guy so much and he was just so good to me. I just put my lips on his in response, I was too much shattered to give him an answer, but that kiss was enough.   
«This will definitely be one of the things I’ll miss the most.»

«Me too.»

«Come on, I can’t wait for you to meet my nan.» He put his arm around me again and we walked through the corridor, until we reached her bedroom. I could hear a familiar voice coming from the inside and I instantly froze. What was Tix doing with Finn’s nan?

«You’re okay?»

«Ehm, yeah, sure. Let’s go inside.» He smiled at me and pushed the door until it was completely open. Finn’s grandma was laying in her bed and Tix was sitting in a chair next to it. They seemed pretty close and I spotted them laughing. They seemed happy.

«Oh my God, Rae, what are you doing here?» Tix stood up from the chair and came to hug me. I had missed her like crazy but I had been afraid about visiting her. The hospital brought back so many memories and so much pain.

«You two know each other?» Finn asked while watching the two of us hugging.

«Yeah, Tix and I were roommates here in the hospital. She’s basically my best friend.» Finn held out his hand to Tix but she didn’t dare touch him.  
«Oh, uhm, Tix has a problem with touching people, Finn.»

«Oh, okay. Well, it’s nice to meet you. Even without the handshake.»

«It’s nice to meet you, too. I’ve heard a lot about you.»

«Really uh?» Finn smirked at me, I knew I was in trouble. A very good trouble.  
«Well, Rae, this is my nan, Mary. Nan, this is my girlfriend, Rae.» I took a step closer to the bed and shook her hand. She was this sweet lovely lady. Long white hair and she had the same eyes that Finn had. They were so much alike. She was a really beautiful woman.

«It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Nelson.»

«Oh, the pleasure is mine, darling. And please call me Mary. I’ve heard so much about you.»

«Really uh?» I looked over to Finn, miming what he had said just a few seconds before. He just blushed and looked down. He was so sweet and cute when he blushed.

«You were right Finley, she really is beautiful.»

«Oh, you are too kind Mrs… I mean, Mary.»

«And modest, too. Where did you find her Finley? Not many girls like this one, out there. You must know, you’re very lucky.» Finn’s grandmother, with her being so sweet and kind, made everything harder. In that moment everything hit me, faster that I could ever predict. Kester’s words were more like a scream in my head. All the times I had wondered why did he love me, why did he think I could be enough for him, they were all rushing in and I couldn’t take them in anymore.  
I rushed out of the room, trying to keep calm, with zero success. I could hear Finn running behind me but I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to give him the chance of talking to me, it was too hard.   
Unfortunately, he was too fast for me and he caught me in a few seconds.

«Girl, what’s wrong? What happened?» He was visibly scared and I hated to hurt him like that.

«I just, I can’t do this, I’m sorry.»

«What the hell are you talking about? Do what?» I was trying to release my arm from his hold but he wasn’t going to let me go.  
«You’re not going anywhere Rae. What’s happening?»

«Why are you with me? I don’t get it. You have this perfect family, a perfect grandmother, a perfect dad, a perfect home, and you, you are so damn perfect. Why did you pick me, I just don’t get it.»

«Perfect? There’s nothing perfect about my family or my house. My mum left me and my dad when I was little, and my nan is about to leaving me soon. And I’m anything but perfect. The only thing about my life’s that’s perfect it’s you.» We were both crying and the pain was growing faster and higher. He let my arm go and picked my face, erasing the tears from my cheeks.  
«You are everything, you understand me? Why did I pick you? What kind of a question is that? I love you, isn’t that enough?»

«But why? I don’t understand why.»

«I could ask you the same.»

«No, it’s different. How could someone not love you? You are so handsome and perfect.» He let my face go and he looked at me. He was devastated from my words.

«Is that all that you see in me? Just a pretty face? Is that all I am to you?»

«What? No, of course not. You’re everything. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I feel so lucky to be with you. You’re always supportive, kind, selfless, generous, I could stand here all day telling you why I love you.»

«So, why is it okay for you to love me but when I say I do too, you don’t believe me?»

«Because I don’t deserve you.»

«That’s bollocks, you know it is. I am the one who doesn’t deserve you. You are so brave, you went through God only knows how much shit, and you’re still here, fighting, being funny and beautiful and you keep struggling and giving me your love.» 

«You never told me all of this.»

«You know I’m no good with words. You might have noticed that I don’t like talking about your illness.» I nodded.  
«It’s not because I don’t want to know but because I hate myself for not being around earlier. If we had met earlier, I would have never letting you go a day, without knowing how special you were to me. And maybe, you wouldn’t have tried to hurt yourself.»

«Finn, that’s not your fault, we didn’t know each other.»

«I know, but it still hurts. I find it so difficult that you can't understand how precious you are. Not just to me but to everyone.»

«I love you so much, you know that?»

«I love you too, girl. So much it almost hurts sometimes.» We were inches away, both faces in each other’s hands, and while closing the gap between us, I could feel our love growing stronger. All those times I had questioned his love for me, all those times I couldn't understand why he had chosen me, Finn was asking himself the same questions. We were so lucky to be together and now, we knew we deserved each other, no matter what people could think or say.  
We deserved to be happy, and our happiness was living each other. Simple as that.  
While our lips were entwined and his tongue rushed through my mouth trying to make me realize how important I was to him, mine was doing the same. We weren’t good with words but our kisses were all we really needed. Our love was all we needed.


	10. As I lay eyes on you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT alert! (Finally, you might say! This chapter is longer than the others because it represents the end of one part of the story and the beginning of a new one. Hope you like it.

Friday, 9th August 1996

Dear diary,  
Finn’s departure is quite close. 3 fucking days. I’m not sure how I am going to survive this distance between us but I know I have to be strong. For him and, mostly, for me. Ever since we had that great talk outside the hospital, everything has been fine. I can feel his love for me going stronger by the day but, there’s something weird about him, these days. It’s not like it was before; he used to touch me at every chance he got, I mean, touching touching. Now it’s all chaste kisses and brushing hair. Not that I mind that but it seems strange. Guys usually can’t keep it in their pants and, from what I could tell, he was one of those guys.   
Maybe since he knew what I had done, the hurt that I had inflicted to myself, he was just avoiding the sex until he was gone?  
I don’t know what to think diary… After the hospital I had decided to go a little further with him but now he seems not interested at all. Maybe I should just let him know that I’m ready?  
God, why am I writing this much today? 

 

Three days until his leaving but it feels a little like he’s already been gone for a week or so. I don’t know if I’m dreaming about all of this, as usual. Finn is always careful and present like he used to be before and maybe I’m just seeing things that aren’t really happening. I don’t know why I feel like I have to constantly overanalyze everything all the time. I should just talk to him and let him know what’s bothering me but, how do I put it? How can you ask your boyfriend why he doesn’t want to have sex with you or why he’s avoiding laying on bed with you every time you’re together, like you had the plague or something? How do you put it in a way that doesn’t set him off for good?  
Before knowing about me being in hospital, he was always searching for some kind of contact and, even when I told him I needed to wait for a bit to have sex, he always found a way to show that he cared and that he was fine with waiting but that he wouldn’t mind having me in that way. Now, everything had drastically changed: during the past weeks he had had his house free two times and never invited me over. Whenever I sat next to him he was always kind and caring but he was also careful not to be too much close to me. So no, I wasn’t overreacting. Something was definitely off with him and I needed to discover why before he left for Afghanistan.  
The difficult part in all of that was that he found incredibly hard to talk to me about stuff and I was no better at it than he was.   
I needed to do something I had never attempted before and I had no idea if that was going to be enough. I had never shown up to this house, unannounced, but I couldn’t wait for him to come around. We needed to sort everything out and quick.  
The clock on the wall marked 10 AM so there was no way Finn wasn’t up already. I was trying to picture the surprise on his face in my head, when Karim appeared in the lounge, trying to get my attention.

«Rae. Going somewhere?» He still wasn’t that good at English but I had to admit I admired his effort. Plus, he made my mum really happy and that was all I really cared about. I had underestimated the good that could come out of their relationship but, seeing my mum finally enjoying her life, made me realize we really needed a bit of joy in the house and he was the one who could give it to us.

«Yeah, going to see Finn for a bit.»

«Ah Finn. Good boy. Keep close, yeah?»

«You can count on it Karim. Did you need anything?»

«No, just checking. Come for lunch yeah?»

«Yeah, I’ll be back for lunch, don’t you worry.» He gave me a big smile and opened the door to let me out. He was such a gentleman. The Earl women finally had two good guys at their side. Hopefully, my mother’s man wasn’t going to Afghanistan, too.

On my way to Finn’s house, I came across a lingerie shop and the weirdest idea came to my mind. Was I strong enough to show him my underwear? Was I that comfortable with him? Could I let him make love to me without freaking out?  
Of course I could. I loved him and he loved me. Despite all the doubts in my mind, that was the only thing that I was sure of. Finn did love me.   
As I entered the shop, the owner approached me with a big smile; she was probably trying to be polite so that I could buy something. Possibly expensive.

«Hello darling, how can I help you?»

«Ehm, you have lots of pretty stuff but, well, do you think I would… fit, in any of these?» I pointed at a pair of knickers that could barely be wore by a Barbie-size; there was no way she could have something that could fit me. 

«Well, we have lots of sizes so don’t worry about that. You were searching for both top and bottoms? »

«Ehm yeah, I think so.» The sweet lady led me to the changing room and offered tons and tons of underwear until I found the right one. It was a bit racy but it was perfect, although it didn’t offer any support to my boobs. I asked if I could keep it on and, once she agreed, I just paid for it and went to Finn’s.   
I was so nervous about seeing my boyfriend and I didn’t know why. I knew, sooner or later, it was going to happen but, now, everything was different; what if he rejected me? Or if he said he didn’t want to do it by making up some stupid excuse?   
“No, no, Finn wants you Rae. He told you he wants you, stop being bloody melodramatic and knock on that door.”  
I had the gut to buy fucking lingerie so why was I afraid of knocking? All those times we had been together at his place he had always found a way to tell me how badly he wanted me and, that time when we slept next to each other, he kept telling me that he didn’t want me to leave. Ever. Now, all I could do was grabbing onto those memories and hoping that all of that wasn’t gone.  
I had barely knocked on his door and Finn was already opening it. He was staring at me, with a big smile on his face. Thank God he was happy to see me.

«What are you doing here girl?»

«Thought I could stop by to say hello. Hope I don’t bother you or your father.»

«No, don’t be silly. And my father isn’t home.» That was the third time he had his home free and he hadn’t even thought about ringing me about it. What was going on with this guy?  
«So, are you coming in or what?» I nodded and smiled. While entering his house, he gave me a quick kiss on the lips and sat on the couch. Not his bedroom but it could do.  
I quickly sat next to him and, as usual, he cautiously kept some distance between us, always keeping a soft smile on his lips, hoping that I didn’t notice.

«I didn’t know your father was away, why didn’t you tell me?» It wasn’t supposed to sound like an angry question but I wasn’t exactly comfortable with the fact that he kept pushing me away. And, for sure, he knew he was in the wrong, because he kept avoiding meeting my eyes.

«I’m sorry, I guess I forgot.» 

«You forgot to mention your girlfriend you had a free house?» I tried to smile at him, the all thing was supposed to be flirty but he didn’t seem to get it. At least not at first.

«It’s just until tomorrow, it’s not a big deal.» He shrugged and kept looking at his feet. I was starting to feel so anxious and the anger was growing, inevitably. 

«Finn, can I ask you something?»

«Sure, what’s up?» What’s up? Really? He was acting like he was my brother or something. What had happened to the guy who used to say “if you keep being this pretty every bloody time we’re together I might forget to take things slow?” Where did he go?

«Do you wanna break up with me or something?» I wasn’t sure why I had asked him that exact question when I could have said anything else but, it had surprisingly worked, because for the first time that day, he was staring at me, and it was incredibly scared by my words.

«What? No, no, why would you think that? I could never break up with you.»

«Then why are you acting like this, why do you keep your distance every time we’re together?» He kept looking at me but he wasn’t actually speaking. He was hurt, and he was suffering from the fact that he couldn’t find the words to talk to me but, I was the one who was in agony. I knew that, once things would have been in the open, once he knew everything about me and my past, he wouldn’t have liked me like he used to and what was happening was just proving that I had been right.  
«Are you waiting for the right time to break up with me? Because there isn’t. If you want to leave me you will do it now. I won’t be here waiting six months for someone who doesn’t want to be with me.» I was telling him so many lies but there was no way he could keep up the charade. I probably would have waited for him to come back even if he wouldn’t want me anymore; Finn Nelson wasn’t so easy to forget.  
«In three days you’ll be gone so, please, I am begging you, if you feel like you don’t want to be with me anymore, just say it. Say it now, Finn.» My eyes were covered in tears and, no matter how hard I tried to keep them on the inside, they were rolling on my face and there was no way I could have stop them.

«Two days…» His voice was a whisper but, at least, he was finally talking.

«What?»

«I am leaving in two days.»

«No, you’re leaving on Monday, it’s three days knobhead.»

«They have anticipated the flight. We’re leaving on Sunday morning.» Suddenly, everything made a little more sense. Was that the reason why he was off? Because his leaving had been anticipated and our separation was even closer? But still, that couldn’t be all of it. It was only a day before the scheduled flight, just one day. It didn’t make sense.

«I see. Is that why you’re upset, then?» Still no answer.   
«For fuck’s sake Finn, SAY SOMETHING!» I didn’t want to yell at him but he was driving me crazy. And I could have sworn he was about to cry. It wasn’t because he was afraid, though. It was more like an hysterical crying. 

«You were right.» The only thing I had ever wanted from him was honesty and now, I had it. It was true. He was going to break up with me but he probably didn’t have the gut to do it so he was just waiting for his leaving to do it itself. 

«You are such a bastard, Finn Nelson. The least you could do is looking me in the face while you tell me we’re done.» 

«Done? What are you talking about?» He took my hands in his but I didn’t want him to touch me. It was so painful to think that this was going to be probably the last time we were together like this. I couldn’t even looking him in the eyes.  
«Hey, look at me girl.»

«Don’t ‘girl’ me. I’m not some fragile kid you need to soothe. Just tell me the truth for once.» He was visibly hurt and scared by my words but I couldn’t really tell why. If he did want to break us up, why was he looking like someone whose heart had just been ripped out?

«You were right about the fact that I was keeping some distance. Not about the fact that I wanna break up with you.» He dropped my hands and stood up, running his on the back of his head. He was visibly upset.  
«Why don’t you ever pay attention to what I say?»

«Oh okay, so now it’s my fault, right? As usual.» Now we were both standing in front each other, yelling like an old married couple on the point of getting a divorce.

«When did I ever say it was your fault?»

«You just did.»

«Because you never let me finish. I told you, two minutes ago, that I could never break up with you so, why don’t you believe me?»

«Because you say one thing and you do the opposite. Since we’ve been to see your nan, you’ve been so distant, and now you’re about to leave. I just wanted to feel close to you., but you don’t want that and I can’t see why unless...»

«Unless what?» I couldn’t say what was really bothering me, at least not out loud. Not to him.  
«Unless WHAT?»

«UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE!» We had never been the kind of fighting couple but now we were both so angry with each other that fighting seemed the only possible thing to do. I knew he didn’t have someone else, he wasn’t that kind of guy but, what other reason could he have for keeping me away all the time? Also, why didn’t he tell me to go to his room? He always led me to his room every time I paid him a visit and he used to be happy about it. He used to tell me that he loved having me around, among his stuff, because he could keep my scent around for a bit, when I was gone. I could see how hurt he was by my words, even more than before when I had suggested he wanted to break up but, the saddest thought crossed my mind.  
«Is there… is there someone in your room right now?» I didn’t want to believe he could cheat on me so easily but there had to be a reason on why he was avoiding taking me upstairs. The light in his eyes, completely changed and, he wasn’t hurt anymore. He was angry, yes, but he was disappointed, too. By me. He also let out a small laugh. What was there to laugh about?  
«You find this funny don’t you, Finn?»

«Not at all.» He wasn’t laughing anymore and his eyes were completely black. I couldn’t read them and I felt scared. I had always felt like I could hide in his look, which had always been so peaceful and protective but not today. Today they were blank.  
«If you truly believe I have someone upstairs Rae, if you really believe I am that guy, then I think you should leave. For good.»

«You are unbelievable, now you’re turning this on me. Like it’s my fault.»

«You are the one who thinks I could cheat on you.»

«Yeah, well maybe I am. But it’s not my fault if my own boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me so what should I think?» Everything was out in the open now. There was no escaping from there, we were finally having that conversation.   
If he wasn’t cheating on me, why didn’t he want to be with me?  
He looked confused now, like he couldn’t understand what I was talking about.  
Oh right, let’s just pretend like everything has been normal these past two weeks. Sure.

«What are you on about? How did we end up talking about sex?»

«Don’t change the subject Nelson and tell me the truth.» I knew I shouldn’t have called him Nelson because that usually meant that I was teasing him or something but it was just a spontaneous thing. I didn’t want us to fight before his imminent leaving.

«The truth about what?»

«Why don’t you wanna have sex with me?»

«When did I ever say that I don’t want to?»

«You didn’t say it with words but with your actions.» He looked more confused than before and, although the only thing I wanted to do was hugging him and telling him how much I loved him and begged him not to leave me, I kept my self-control and kept on going on with my speech.  
«Every time we are together you don’t seat next to me, you don’t kiss me anymore like you used to, you don’t seem to enjoy being with me so, please, tell me, did I do something wrong? Was it the fact that I asked you to wait? Because if that’s the case I am ready now, I swear.» Why on Earth did I tell him that I wanted to have sex with him? He was probably just going to have sex with me out of pity since I had almost begged him to fuck me.

«I am such an idiot Rae, you did nothing wrong, I swear.»

«So, there is a reason on why you’ve been behaving like this, am I right?» He quietly nodded.  
«Look, it’s not your fault. If you don’t want me anymore or if you don’t love anymore I get…» I was so caught up in my thoughts and my speech that I didn’t even realize Finn was placing his lips onto mine with a fury he never had before. It wasn’t brutal or hurtful. It was just pure passion. The kind of passion no one can experience if they’re not in love with the person they’re kissing in that moment. His hand were everywhere, my hair, my hips, my breast, cupping my face. His lips were sucking and devouring mine and his eyes were softly closed, clearly enjoying the moment we were sharing. Once I realized where this was going I pushed him gently away, trying to catch my breath again. But he wasn’t going to have it. He was kissing me again and, this time, he was pushing me under him onto the couch. It wasn’t like he was forcing me, it was more of “I’m trying to make a point, here, just hear me out” but I knew he wasn’t good with words just as much he was with kissing and touching. I couldn’t help but thinking what he would be like in bed.   
Once he was on top of me I could feel his hands exploring every inch of my body and he kept leaving small kisses on my neck and my face while keeping his hands occupied with the rest of me. I knew he didn’t want to talk but there was no way he could go away with this.

«Finn, I think we should stop now.» He immediately pulled himself up and helped me do the same. He didn’t seem too much sad about it, though. Like I said, he was just proving a point.  
«This changes nothing you know that?»

«I know… I just hope it makes you realize that I still want you and I still love you like crazy.» He smirked and gave me a soft smile. The fighting part was definitely over, thank God. 

«But why now? What’s changed?»

«I’ve been acting like a dick, I know, it’s just that, every time I see you, and we spend time together, I don’t want to leave you, ever. And now, not only I have to leave you but I have to do it for six months.»

«But we talked about this, and we knew it was going to happen.»

«I know but, knowing is one thing. Dealing with it, it’s a total different matter. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to.» It was so painful to see him struggling like that. I obviously felt the same as he did but right now I needed to be the strong one in our relationship. He needed my support and he needed to know I was going to be okay, although it wasn’t entirely true. I cupped his face with my hands, trying to give him some sort of relief but, it was bloody hard for both of us.

«What is it that really scares you? Tell me.»

«Do you remember the first time we spend the night together here?» I nodded.  
«Do you remember what I told you?»

«You said lots of things that night Nelson.» I remembered everything he said to me that day but then again, I used to remember everything he said to me since we had been a couple. He smiled at me, blushing a little, knowing that he should have told me those things again.

«I told you that I was wondering what it would have been like to have you in my bedroom.» He placed a kiss on my left cheek.  
«Between my sheets.» Another one on my right cheek.  
«Your smell all over the place.» He placed his lips on mine.   
He had just did the same exact things he had done at Peter’s party. He remembered everything like I did. I tried to look detached but it was very difficult and I was visibly struggling.

«Actually you didn’t say those things in here. We were at Peter’s party when you went on full romantic mood.»

«And you still claim that you don’t remember my words uh?»

«Shut up!» I gave him a small punch to his shoulder but he just took it as an advantage to turn me around and pressing his chest against my back, putting his arms around my waist. I couldn’t escape from him but, mostly, I didn’t want to. I had been waiting for something like that all week long.

«So, back to what I was saying…» He pressed his lips to my neck, in between every sentence his mouth could create.   
«Since we spent the night together, I feel like I can’t sleep when you’re not there. It’s like a disease I swear.»

«Oi, who are you calling a disease, dickhead?» 

«Sorry, should have sounded romantic.» He placed another kiss on my neck, allowing his hands to wander over my belly a little.  
«Anyway, spending the night with you has been so perfect, I can’t imagine going on for six months without you.» He kissed me again although this time wasn’t a peck. I could feel the warmth of his tongue on my skin. I was so over the fucking moon.   
«And that is why I’ve been acting like a dickhead. Spending time with you, sitting next to you, kissing you like a proper boyfriend should do, making you feel special. I won’t be able to do those things for six fucking months and I thought I could get used to it while still having you around.» He pulled away a little, allowing me to turn around and now we were facing each other, his hands cupping my face, like he was used to do.   
«I am so fucking sorry, if I have made you doubt my feelings for you, I don’t want you to ever doubt them, EVER, do you hear me? Either I’m in Afghanistan, or Brazil, or the fucking moon, I love you Rachel Earl, do you hear me? I love you.» He placed his lips onto mine once more but this time it was a soft, long and caring kiss. No tongue involved. It was like a peck but it lasted way longer.   
Once our lips parted I couldn’t keep my tears just for myself anymore and I started crying again. Only, this time, they were joyful tears.

«I love you, too, Finn, so damn much. You know I do, right?» He nodded, smiling.

«That’s what’s keeping me alive girl. Can you promise me one thing?»

«Anything.»

«Don’t forget about me while I’m gone, okay?.» I was in shock. How could I ever forget about the love of my life? How could he not see how important he was to me? 

«Never. You don’t forget about me either, alright?»

«As if that was even possible, girl.» He crunched his nose at me and placed his lips onto mine once more. I couldn’t believe I had to be without my man for six months. 

«Right, I gotta go now, otherwise my mom is going to kill me.»

«But I don’t want you to go.» He made his usually sad face, which he knew I couldn’t resist but, I couldn’t bail on my mom.

«Don’t give me those puppy eyes, Nelson. Not gonna work this time.»

«You’re coming back later though, yeah? You know, I have an empty.»

«Uh, but does your girlfriend know?»

«She’ll be fine if we keep this quiet.» We were so good at teasing each other, although we weren’t that bad at kissing either. He was such a God’s gift to women. Nah, to me.

«Right, I’ll see you later then.» I gave him a small kiss on the cheek and without even knowing how I was wrapped in his arms; he really didn’t want to let me go. I was trying to push him gently away when he put his mouth to my ear and whispered “don’t think I’ve missed out what you said earlier about the sex, girl.”. I thought I was going to die in his arms, or, at least, coming very hard just by the sound of his words. I tried to hide my blush but he knew I was deeply embarrassed and he loved it.

«Right. Now go love, or your mom will kill me for keeping you here way too long.» ‘Love’. He had never called me love, before, and I was starting to wonder if I preferred it to ‘girl’, but the truth was, I liked them both. I liked everything about him and what he said.

«No one will kill you Finn. You’re safe with me.» He blushed a little, knowing I had just quoted him, on purpose. Then he pointed his index to the door and slapped my ass.   
All that time spent at the lingerie shop and I didn’t even showed him what I had bought. Maybe we would have time for that later.

__________________

«Mom, please, it’s not like we haven’t slept together before… I mean, sleep mom. Nothing else happened, I swear.» Since I had got home I had tried to convince my mom that it was okay to sleep at Finn’s place but she wasn’t going for it. She thought we were going to conceive 22 babies or something like that. Not that I would have minded, by the way. The sex part, not the kids. Way too young for that.

«You know Rachel, when I say no, it doesn’t mean that we can argue or talk about it, it means end of discussion.»

«But he’s going to leave soon, please. I’m not going to see him for six months and I miss him already, I am begging you.» 

«I am sorry that’s he’s leaving but the answer is no.» I had almost lost all hope when Karim showed up in the kitchen, trying to make some sense into my mother.

«I think you let Rae go. Finn is good boy, they will just sleep, right?» He looked at me, knowing we weren’t going to sleep at all but raising his eyebrows to make me understand I should have played along.

«Of course, he is leaving, he needs to rest, we could never do that.» My mom didn’t seem convinced at all but Karim helped me out again and I finally got a positive answer. I hugged them both and went straight to my room to grab my pack and a few things for the night.

 

Dear diary,  
Yeah you’re right, I’m here twice in one day.  
Today is the day.  
It’s finally happening.  
I am loosing my virginity.  
And to the man I love and that loves me.  
I feel so lucky I could explode.  
I’ll tell you about it later…

 

I was so glad I had gone to the lingerie shop that exact day. I had new proper underwear and I was wearing it for my man. I was still a little worried that he wouldn’t like my body but he was going to leave in two days and I needed to give him something to keep. I was deeply scared by the war, I couldn’t lie about that but Finn was one of the strongest people I knew and, if there was someone who could do it, that was him. 

I loved the fact that our places were that close to each other because in no time I was back at his place again. And I was going to spend the night there. With him. In his bed. Oh God, I need to calm down.

«You’ve been gone for an hour but it seemed like an eternity.» As always I didn’t even need to knock on his door. It was like he could feel I was close or something like that. He was standing there, in his beauty and this time, he was shirtless. God, he was beautiful.

«Are you trying to kill me right now, Nelson?»

«Why is that?» He looked at me confused. Of course, he didn’t know. He never noticed how gorgeous he was.

«Go put a shirt on, dickhead.» He blushed a little and started watching at his feet.

«Right, and you come in. You’re not gonna spend the afternoon on my door step.»

«Night…»

«What?»

«Night. I’m spending the night here.» Once I got that out I realized he didn’t ask me to stay, I decided that for myself.  
«That if you want me to stay here.» I tried to decipher the look on his face but he just smiled at me and took me in his arms, lifting me from the ground. I had never seen him this happy.  
«Finn, put me down. Finn, this is an order!»

«I don’t take orders from women… woman!» He was trying to talk like one of those Paleolithic men but, it didn’t really suited him. He burst out of laughter and put me down. I had always wanted to be lifted up by a man because that would have meant that I wasn’t that big after all, and he had just did that. My Finn.

«You do that again and you’re going to regret it, right?»

«Is that a promise girl?» 

«You can count on it.» He kicked the door and offered me his hand, leading me upstairs. Finally, his room. Everything was back at its place and I was were I belonged. I loved how Finn could make me feel so confident. In three weeks he had changed my world for the better and, although we were very young, I knew I had found my soulmate. There was no one who could be more perfect for me. Not sure if I could have said the same for him but he seemed to think so.

«Why don’t you just sit on the bed while I pick out some music?»

«You’re going to sit next to me, right?»

«Of course love. No more crap like these past few weeks, I swear.» He came next to me and placed a soft kiss on my lips and smirked. Then he quickly got back and put on “Don’t look back in anger”. Quite appropriate for us two. 

«So, what did you do when I got home?»

«Not much, just ate a little. You?»

«Same, really. This morning though… ehm, it was nothing.»

«Now I’m definitely interested. What did you do this morning before getting here?» Just tell him Rae. Just tell him. Maybe he’ll want to see what you bought.

«Just bought something down Damascus Lane.»

«Yeah? I didn’t see any package this morning.»

«That’s because I was already wearing it.» He raised his eyebrows and he came a little closer, sitting next to me on his bed.

«I know pretty much all of your clothes Rae, I didn’t see anything new today unless…» His look deepened and he put his hand on my leg. God, how could he turn me on just by touching my leg?

«Unless what?»

«Did you buy some new tights?» He kept wandering over my leg and I felt the urge of throwing him on the bed but I needed to keep up to the game. 

«No, I did not.» He raised his hand up a little against my thigh. Although I wasn’t watching him in the eyes, I could see he was swallowing. This was really happening. 

«So, what did you buy girl?» The word girl never sounded sexier, I was sure of that.

«Just some new underwear… would like to see it?» I couldn’t believe at my own words. What if Finn didn’t want to see it? Why would he want to see it in the first place? He had made me so brave in more than one way and now I knew I was going to let him down. He didn’t seem grossed out though. In fact, I could almost say, he was excited. Horny even. He didn’t move his hands away but he didn’t speak, either. He just nodded and kept his eyes onto mine. 

«Are you nervous about this Finn?»

«Shouldn’t I be the one asking you this?»

«Don’t know… it’s just you’re just standing there, not saying anything. If you don’t want to, you just have to say it.» He smiled, reassuring me that it was not the case. I loved the fact that I could understand him without hearing actual words. 

«I want to. I do. It’s just gonna be twice harder for me to leave.»

«I just wanted you to have something of me before…» I couldn’t finish my sentence without crying a little. I had tried so hard to be the strong one between us, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

«I was actually a bit worried on why you didn’t break before, love.»

«I tried to be strong for both of us, I really tried.»

«I should be the one who gives you strength, I am such a dickhead. And we don’t have to do it because you want to give me something, alright? We’re gonna wait.»

«But I don’t want to wait. It’s true, I want to give you something of me but I also want something of you. Something to keep to myself once you’ll be gone.» 

«I love you, you know that?»

«I do, just never stop telling me that.»

«I’ll tell you what: as soon as I get back, as soon as I lay eyes on you, I’ll tell you that I love you, so you’ll know I’m finally home.»

«God, how can you be so perfect? Are you sure you’re even human?» He tried to keep silent a laugh but didn’t manage to. He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me. It started as a soft, tender kiss but, it turned quite immediately into a proper snog and I found myself laying on my back on his bed, Finn standing right upon me, caressing every part of me, never parting his lips from mine.   
Even though I could feel his erection pushing against my leg everything was very soft and caring. He was being very careful not to hurt or scare me and that was when I knew I was really ready for more. I entwined my hands in his hair, pushing him even closer, if that was possible. He pushed gently away for a bit, locking his eyes with mine, asking permission to go further. I just nodded, barely breathing, after a kiss that lasted for an eternity and he went back on kissing me, exploring my body with his hands. I clumsily released him from the T-shirt he had put on earlier on my request and I watched his beautiful body for a minute or two. I could feel him getting harder because of my look at him and I tried to make him more comfortable by taking my shirt off.   
I couldn’t understand where I did find the strength for such a gesture but the amazed look on his face, repaid me for all of it. He was gazing and I was happy. Happy that someone like him could really love me for who I was. Clothes on or off.

«Are you sure you want to do this girl?»

«Positive.» He smiled at me at went back on kissing me, only this time it wasn’t on my lips. His hands were still wandering everywhere but his mouth was focused on my breasts. It felt amazing to be touched like that. To be loved in that way.

«So, is this what you wanted to show me this morning?» I nodded shyly.   
«It looks very pretty Rae but you don’t have to buy stuff to please me. I like you just the way you are.»

«So, would you prefer something flannel like?» He looked at me for a minute and we both laughed.

«You love flannel, I always wear flannel.»

«Yeah, it looks good on you but God, can you imagine flannel underwear? I would be scratching myself every minute.»

«Nah, they wouldn’t stay on for too long if I was around.» 

«Are you sure? Because mine are still on, right now.» When did I become such a major sexual teaser? This guy was transforming me into a sex maniac. But, then again, how can you resist fucking Finn Nelson? His eyes became darker the second I’d said those words and his hands were now focusing on unbutton my skirt and once that was on the floor he started pulling down my tights, all while still keeping his eyes on mine. He literally adored seeing me blushing and I was doing that a lot that day. 

His hands were all over my legs and I started to feel a little scared because of how they looked. Sure, his eyes were still onto my face but there was no way he wouldn’t have seen them. What if he did find them as a turn off? I couldn’t have cope with the fact of him being disgusted by me but, while I was thinking about of all that, his hands where already on my thighs and his fingers could feel the scars that covered them completely. His eyes wandered inevitably from my face to them but the look on his face didn’t change; it only showed me more love than anyone could have ever felt for me. He looked at me one last time and put his lips onto them, kissing and licking away all the pain they had brought me.

«I love you girl.»

«I love you too, Finn.» 

«Are you still sure you want this then?»

«I do, I do want this. Please.» He raised a finger and put it on my mouth.

«You don’t have to beg me, love. I’ve wanted this since you stole that 20p from me.» His voice had gone darker and his eyes were full with lust and want for me. I leaned in to kiss him on his lips but it was really more of a peck because he quickly removed his lips from mine and he put his face down to my lady parts, using his fingers to put aside my knickers..  
I knew what he was going to do but I was terrified. What if he was trying to give me pleasure but I didn’t like it? Should I’ve said something or just pretending to like it? What if… oh Jesus Christ! His lips are… I can’t process this! He’s so good at it. He’s a fucking sex wizard. He can do whatever he wants to me, I don’t care at all. 

While I was trying to control my breathing his hands were caressing my entire body and his tongue was flicking my clit. God, it felt so good. It was impossible for me not to moan and he kept looking at me from under his eyelashes, making sure he was giving me pleasure. Once he knew I was really close to come, he entered a finger, then two and went back to kissing and biting my skin. I came rather quickly, probably because it was my first time, and loudly. He had a quite scared look on his face and I tried, miserably failing, to telling him everything was good by kissing him.

«Did, did I hurt you Rae? Was it okay?»

«Okay? That was fucking amazing. You are amazing. I think I could never get enough of this.» He gave me a soft smile and kissed my lips.

«Me neither.»

«Can I… you know, do something to make you feel good?»

«Today it’s about you, girl.» 

«You know you’re still wearing your jeans right?»

«Yeah, I got caught up in the moment I guess.» We both laughed and he released himself quite immediately of his jeans and boxers, like he couldn’t take them on any longer.   
I had never seen someone’s bits before but I could tells his were special. I leaned a hand towards his cock; it was hard and firm and I was doing that to him. As soon as my hand touched it, he left out a moan, and placed his lips onto mine, with more passion and hunger than he usually had. I automatically wrapped my legs around his waist and he unbuckled my bra, releasing my breasts that were now floating under him. He cupped them with his hands and started sucking, licking and playing with my nipples. It was good, exciting but also exhausting. I needed more of him, I needed all of him. 

«Finn, please, I want you inside of me.» He smiled and stood up from the bed, searching for a condom in the drawer. He was standing in the corner of his room, next to the door, in all his naked gloriousness and I couldn’t believe to my own luck! The sexiest man in Lincolnshire loved me and only me. I wanted to feel like we were one person, I wanted to feel closer, if that was possible. I knew condoms weren’t just to prevent a pregnancy but I didn’t have to ask him: I knew he was clean.   
«Babe, you think we could do it without a condom?» He looked at me in shock, he probably thought I wanted to have a child of something. I was such a stupid girl.

«If you’re doing it for me girl, you don’t have to.»

«No, it’s just… well, it’s, how do I put this?» He quickly moved and laid next to me on his bed, holding me in his arms.

«Hey it’s fine, just talk to me.»

«I’m going to miss you so damn much and I thought, you know, we could do it without a johnny.» He didn’t speak right away, he just laid there, his lips pressed to my hair.  
«Hey, if you don’t want to we can use one I don’t mind Finn, really.»

«It’s not that.»

«Then what is it?»

«it’s just that, I’ve pictured this in my mind so many times and now it’s finally happening. You’re here, I’m here, we’re finally alone, in a good place and you’re asking me to make love to you without a condom. Do you know it’s one of the most intimate things to do?»

«So, should I take it as a yes?» He put a finger under my chin and lifted it up and turned my face around, so that I could face him. He placed a chaste kiss on my lips in assent and laid me under him again. Our faces were so close, while he placed himself between my legs, that I could clearly feel his breathing changing rhythm. He was nervous although he had done it a million times. Maybe it was because it was my first time and he didn’t want to hurt me or maybe he was scared he was going to regret it. Or maybe, as usual, I was playing in my head all the possible scenarios to doubt him. 

«Are you still nervous Nelson?»

«You have no idea how much.»

«But, you have done it so many times. I should be the nervous one.»

«I’ve never made love to anyone. I feel like I won’t be enough for you.»

«You’re right, you’re not enough. You are way more than enough. You are everything.» His lips were onto mine again and, without parting, he slowly entered me. It felt like being at the top on a mountain and you’re looking down. It’s not fear or anxiety though. It’s excitement, it’s adrenaline.  
I was sharing one of the most important moments of my life with the guy of my dreams and, apparently, I was the girl of his.   
While pushing slowly inside and out, he held himself up on one arm and the other one rested peacefully on my chest, while his hand cupped my face and stroke my hair from time to time. His eyes were firm onto mine and his mouth placed small kisses all the way down to my neck. It was the most romantic thing someone, well him, had done for me. I could tell he was enjoying himself, too, though. It wasn’t just to pleasure me, I was giving him the same satisfaction.   
My hands were running on his back and I tried to keep him closer, tried to let him know that he could have, that he should have gone deeper and that was what put him off. He sped up the pace and I lifted up my bum to let him enter as deep as he could. 

«Finn, I am so close.»

«I know love, just let it go. Let it go for me.» Those words and the look on his face, his dark eyes and the sweat on his forehead were the end of me and I came loudly and hardly moaning his name.   
He came right after me, saying my name and some other things I didn’t really understand. We were both out of air but that didn’t stop us from locking our lips together again for what seemed like a endless kiss. 

«Finn?» He raised his eyebrows at me, incapable of speaking.  
«Thank you for being my first.» He smiles, blushing as usual, and placed his lips onto mine again. 

«Thanks for being mine, love. That was something else.»

«How will I ever go on six months without this?»

«Oh don’t ask me ‘cause I surely don’t have an answer.»

«We will be alright though, won’t we?»

«If we have each other, we’ll be more than alright. I promise everything will be fine. I don’t want you to worry about me girl.»

«Yeah, and you better return to me in one piece Nelson.» He hugged me and placed himself next to me, my back laying on his chest and fell asleep without saying a word. Finn hated breaking promises and he couldn’t swear he would have returned home safe and sound so, he preferred to keep quiet. I wasn’t a religious person, I had never been one but, what is that they say? When you don’t know what else to do, you turn to God and pray that everything will be alright. But why would God have listened to me while I didn’t ever paid attention to him? Who was I to him?  
I just wanted him to be safe, it wasn’t a request for myself; I was being selfless so maybe there was a chance of being listened. 

 

I didn’t remember falling asleep but it had happened for sure because once my eyes were open again, the room was darker than I remembered. Finn was still laying next to me but he was awake, and, from what I could tell, he had been for quite a while.

«Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?»

«I love watching you sleep. It’s so peaceful.»

«Still the romantic one, uh?» He crunched his nose and place a kiss on my cheek.  
«So, it turns out I was lying earlier.»

«What? When?» 

«No, no, it’s not what you think. God, see? I’m terrible with words.» I didn’t realize I had been keeping my breath until he spoke again. This man could break me with one sentence. Why did I let him have that much power over me?  
«Do you remember when I told you I didn’t do much when you got home?»

«Yeah, I remember.»

«Well, actually that’s not true. I did one small thing.» I thought he would go on talking but he just kept looking at me, quietly.

«Oh come one, spit it out! You’re making me nervous.»

«You see that thing on the desk?» He pointed his index towards a little white envelope and told me to get up and get it. The thing was I was completely naked and I didn’t want to parade in front of him. I wasn't as beautiful and comfortable in being naked like he was.   
«Go on.»

«I don’t wanna get up, why don’t you get it for me?»

«Like I said, I don’t get orders from women.» I gave him my best sad look I could pull out and he dropped his face.  
«Someday this will end. You won’t be able to control me like you do now.»

«You really think so, do you?»

«Nah, I don’t think so.» He laughed and got up to take the envelope and gave it back to me. He didn’t come back to bed though. He just stood there, watching me while I opened it and got particularly pleased to see a huge smile on my face.

«Are you fucking kidding me? These are the tickets to Knebworth. For tomorrow!»

«A friend of mine can’t go anymore so he gave them to me. Are you happy?»

«Am I fucking happy? Finn this is, God, this is the best day of my life, thank you, thank you, thank you.» I suddenly didn’t care I was naked at all. I just wanted to jump onto the man I loved and he was so excited and pleased he picked me up like he had done before.  
«God, I love you Finn Nelson.»

«I love you, too, girl.»

«Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?»

«I forgot I guess.» He put me down and I looked at him, a little confused.

«You forgot about Knebworth? This is Oasis we’re talking about.»

«I know but, something else far more important was going on today. You know…» He stated playing with his eyebrows, knowing perfectly he was teasing me about our sex session and he knew he was driving me insane.

«Stop that right now!»

«Stop what, love?» He wrapped his arms around my waist and, we just stood there, completely naked, in the arms of the one we loved..

«Stop being so bloody sexy all the time.»

«I’m not sexy at all. You are.»

«Yeah, right. If you say so.» 

«You are. I’ll tell you what: why don’t we take a picture right now?»

«Are you kidding?»

«No, I want a picture of you to take with me.»

«But we are naked.» He smiled and started his eyebrows game again.  
«I told you to stop that!» 

«Make me!» I locked his eyes with mine and I slowly touched his bare skin with my hand, going down until my fingers were touching his cock. I could feel his breathing becoming irregular and I had barely touched him.  
«Remind me to thank my eyebrows later, girl.»

«And why is that? You lost the game.»

«Believe me girl, I am the winner here.» He placed his lips onto mine and pushed me onto the bed, with a little more fury and hunger that he had put in earlier and, before I knew we were back on making love for the second time, Finn whispering in my ear how much he loved me and me whispering the same.

________________

Sunday, 11th August 1996

Dear diary,  
I feel happy. For the first time in my life I feel like I finally have everything I want. And I have to thank Finn for that. We made love five times between Friday and Saturday and in between he kept telling how much precious I was to him and he even bought me tickets to see Oasis at Knebworth together. Diary, you can’t possibly know how happy that guy makes me. He’s everything I have ever dreamed of.  
While we were at the concert, he sang to my ear the lyrics of “Wonderwall” and “Morning Glory” and he started to play with his eyebrows, letting me know he was thinking about us having sex. Although we were pretty excited about the concert, we missed the last two songs because we were too caught up with each other and we ended having some rough sex on a field. Twice. He can be so caring and dirty at the same time, he makes me go on fire. Be prepared to these six months diary, because you won’t hear nothing but Finn this and Finn that.   
He asked me for a picture of us together while we were naked in his bed and, once he fell asleep I managed to take one of us laying there and I wrote on the back of Polaroid, it was more like a beg really, ‘don’t forget about me Nelson. I love you.’.  
I couldn’t handle him being different from what he is now. He is my man, you know?  
He made me promise I wouldn’t be at the airport this morning, but really how could I have stayed home and missing the chance of telling him a proper goodbye?

 

Thank God for Karim. He had gladly accepted to take me to the airport with his car and he reassured me that he would have stayed and waited for me, to bring me home, once Finn had left.  
Sunday was unfortunately there and I was about to say goodbye to the love of my life, if only for six months. The longest six months of my life.   
While sitting in the waiting room, I spotted him with his father. Jesus, he was so beautiful in his uniform. He was even hotter that I remembered. Nothing could beat his naked gloriousness, though.   
He saw me as soon as he came in but he wasn’t upset or angry. He was just happy that I was there. I knew he would have liked my presence, although it didn’t want to admit it.

«Didn’t I tell you to stay home girl?»

«As if you really meant it, Nelson.» I gave him a small hug and I turned to his father.  
«A pleasure as always Mr. Nelson.»

«Pleasure’s mine but I told you already, you need to call me Gary.»

«I’ll try to remember that.» I watched Finn as he tried to, politely, send his dad away. He clearly wanted to stay with me alone, before his leaving, but he didn’t want to offend his dad.

«Right, I’m gonna go then. Rae, my house is always open in case you need anything in these months.»

«Thank you Gary, that’s very nice of you.» He hugged Fin a last time and I knew he was trying not to cry in front of his son but it was bloody hard for him. Nobody could understand him better than I did.  
Once he was out of our sight, Finn placed his lips on mine. It wasn’t soft, it wasn’t passionate. It was more of a desperate kiss. I could feel his worry and fear about leaving me there and I wrapped myself around him. I didn’t want to let him go and we stayed like for a couple of minutes. Then we sat next to each other, waiting for his plane to leave. My hands wrapped in his.

«I found the picture you took of us on my desk.»

«Yeah, I thought you might like to keep me with you while you go and kill some Asian people.» He let out a laugh but it wasn’t an happy one.

«It’s not gonna be like that. It’s basically training.»

«Should that comfort me somehow?»

«I hope it does.» I shook my head ‘no’. There was nothing that could keep me calm right there.  
«So, what will you do in these six months?»

«I guess, I’ll just be with the gang and then there’s college. I start it this year, remember?»

«Of course. You’ll be great at it. I’m sure of it.» His voice was so low, it felt like a whisper. The inevitable end was too near.  
«Look, I’ve been thinking about something this morning….»

«Sure, what is it?»

«If you want… I mean, I know it’s not fair for me to ask you to wait for me all this time.» What I had feared the most was happening. I thought, after what we shared, he understood how much he meant to me, but maybe, I was the one who didn’t mean enough to him. Six months were a long time sure, but we could have managed it. I took my hands out of his hold and his eyes quickly fell onto them. He was freaking out. I knew he was.  
«Give me your hands back.»

«No.»

«Please Rae, give me your hands back.»

«No Finn. You’re going away and you’re breaking up with me so, what difference does it make if you have…»

«GIVE ME YOUR HANDS BACK!» He placed his lips onto mine, fiercely.   
«I’m sorry love, I didn’t want to yell at you, I’m sorry.» He kissed me again.  
«I’m begging you, forgive me.» 

«How can you ask me to give up on you, on us, when you can’t even keep your hands off mine? We love each other too much, can’t you see that?»

«I didn’t ask it because I wanted to be free, Rae, I did it for you.»

«You can’t presume to know what I want. I’ll be here when you come back, I’ll be waiting for you. I couldn’t do it otherwise, you know I couldn’t.»

«I love you like crazy, Rachel Earl. I. LOVE. YOU.»

«I love you, too, dickhead.» We kept on kissing, parting our lips only to say that we loved each other. 

*The check-in for Rome is opening right now. Please, we invite the passengers to stand in line.*

«Right, that’s my call.»

«Rome?»  
«Yes, that’s my stopover.» This was really happening. Finn had been right; one thing is to know, another one is to dealing with it. I could do this. Six months without Finn were going to be hard, but I could do it. I had to endure. I had to.  
We hugged each other one last time and he placed his lips in my hair. 

«I’m gonna miss you so much, love.»

«I’m gonna miss you too, Finn.» He kissed my lips with all the love he could put into a kiss and turned to the gate. I was already missing him like crazy.

«Finn?» It wasn’t supposed to be a yell, since he was still quite close, but it came out that way. He turned around, smiling.

«Yeah?»

«As you lay eyes on me, you promised.»

«As I lay eyes on you, girl. I swear.» He blew me a kiss and turned again. He was about to cry and he didn’t want me to see that but I knew in what state he exactly was. I was in the same.


	11. Life can change in a heartbeat.

Sunday, 18th August 1996

Dear diary,  
it’s been a week since Finn left and I feel so empty and alone. Plus, college starts in two weeks and I thought I was ready to face it but, without Finn, it doesn’t feel right.  
Archie seems the only one who truly understands how I feel about this all situation. I lost the love of my life but he lost his best friend. We are spending lots of time together and we talk non-stop about Finn. We should do something else, I am well aware of that, but we can’t do anything else.  
I’m looking forward for a letter from him. I need to know he’s alright.  
5 months and 3 weeks to go. I can handle this. I have to. 

 

Thursday, 22nd August 1996

Dear diary,  
This morning I finally got my first letter from Finn. I’ve already read it four times and I think I’ll keep reading it until I get a second one. He’s such a sweetheart and I still can’t believe how lucky I am to be with him. It’s a blessing.  
5 months, 2 weeks and 3 days to go. I miss him but I can handle this. 

 

I had been waiting for news for eleven days and I was starting to panic so much that I had actually got myself a stomach-ache. I hadn’t been able to eat much in those days and I had barely left the house. Fortunately Archie who had shown so much attention to me that he had agreed to come around mine to hang out. College was incredibly close and all that I had feared about it had come back kicking me right up in the ass. If only Finn was there he could have helped me through it, held my hand through the entire process but no, this time, the first one since him and I had been together, I was on my own and I needed to soothe myself. I couldn’t wait for someone to come and save me, I needed to save myself.  
Thank God though, that morning, a letter got in. It felt like he knew I needed his support, but, then again, with him it was always like that. He always knew what I needed from him, when he needed to shut up and when to talk, and he always knew what to say to keep me calm.

My love,  
I hope you haven’t worried yourself too much, waiting to hear from me. Everything’s fine out here, except for the fact that I am missing you like crazy. I was right about wanting to wait to make love to you because now, every time I close my eyes, I see you wrapped around me and I am afraid to open them and see that you’re not actually here with me but, when I think about it, I am so fucking happy that we did it because I feel you closer than ever. I hope you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Without you by my side I wouldn’t have known how to deal with this situation but, knowing that there’s someone so special, waiting for me at home, gives me the strength to endure. I hope to be able to write you again, before college starts and remember: try not to be too smart compared to your classmates or they’ll find out you’re from another planet.  
I love you babe.  
As soon as I lay eyes on you, remember that.  
5 months and 25 days to go.  
Yours, Finn. XXX

 

«If you keep reading it, you’re going to ruin it.» 

«How could I ruin it, by reading it? It’s a letter, mum.»

«Yeah, but you’ve been crying for the past two hours while reading it. I’m pretty sure the ink is fading.» My mum had a point but I couldn’t stop myself from reading Finn’s words all day long. While he was learning how to use an AK-47 and how to keep himself alive and safe, he wondered about me. About us being together, about us making love and, without even knowing it, we had been closer than we had imagined, because, since he had left, we had been thinking about the same things. I couldn’t shake from my head the memory of us together, in his bedroom, just two weeks earlier, and I couldn’t wait for us to be together like that again. Not only he was incredibly good in bed but he had been so sweet and gentle, always asking me if I was good and that we didn’t have to rush into anything and that he could have waited for me but, at the same time, he had been good at making me feel wanted and loved. For the first time I had known what if felt like to be appreciated and treasured and I was so happy he had been the one. 

«Mum, you can’t possibly understand what Finn and I have.» I wasn’t trying to be rude but it was the truth. No one could understand what we had because the feelings and the love we shared, was only ours. 

«Rachel, I know you love the guy and that he loves you. Nothing else to know.» I smiled at her while she smiled back at me and, probably, for the first time, I felt a connection between us. She really seemed to understand what I was feeling and she was sad about seeing me so down those last few days.  
«Anyway, if you can put that down for a bit, I wanted to talk to you about something important.»

«Sure, what’s up?»

«Well, you know me and Karim, we’ve been married for a while now and, we really are like a family. He really cares about you, you know.»

«Yeah, he’s nice. I’m sorry for misjudging him.»

«No need to apologize love, you didn’t know him. But well, now, there’s something… well, something happened.»

«He didn’t cheat on you, did he?» I hated to think that I had been right all along about Karim because I could see how he made my mum happy and, quite frankly, he had been really helpful to me, too. Having him around felt like having a father, for once in my life but, if he had hurt my mum, he better be ready to take lots of shit from me. 

«No, no one cheated on anyone love, we are fine. More than fine, really.»

«Oh, that’s good. What is it then? You’re scaring me.»

«I haven’t felt good in this past weeks and well… I… we found out that… I am pregnant.» I had always pictured myself with a brother or a little sister but, that news shocked me deeply. It was obviously a good news for my mum and Karim and, with a little time, I was sure I would have liked the idea of having a little Bouchtat around the house but, hearing that news, made me realize that everyone was going on with their lives while Finn wasn’t around to enjoy the news. This was my baby brother or sister we were talking about and, the first thing I would have liked to do, was ringing Finn and letting him know about it but I couldn’t do that for the next six months. And by then, my mum would have been of the size of an hot- air balloon. All of a sudden, I wasn’t sure I could cope with him being away for all that time.  
«Well? Why don’t you say something? It’s weird when you don’t talk.» I smiled at the sound of those words, remembering Finn telling me the same thing a while back.

«You just caught me unprepared. It’s wonderful mum, I mean it. Congratulations.» It wasn’t fair to afflict my mum with my doubts and problems while she was going through such a ravishing time so I just hugged her and we stayed close for a bit, sitting on the couch in front of the TV, while she started crying watching “The Wheel of Fortune”. If pregnancy looked like that, I don’t even wanna be a mother.

«Bloody hormones, I never thought I’d see the day when I’d cry watching this.»

«It’s fine mum, you’re quite funny right now, really.»

«Right, don’t take the piss now and go upstairs writing to that boyfriend of yours.» I really wanted to write to Finn but to say what? “Oh, hi darling, everyone is going on with their lives while you risk your own?” I was feeling so down while I should have just been happy for my mom and Karim.  
«Come on, go. Don’t make me say it twice.» She pushed me off the couch and sent me to my bedroom. I hated to say she had been right but while I was alone in my room the only thing that made sense to me was writing to Finn and words kept falling down. 

 

Dear Finn,  
You have no idea how happy your letter made me feel. You say that I don’t need to worry but how can I do that? Everyday, I get up and automatically remember that I won’t get to see you that day. It breaks me a little, I need to be honest but, I know you want me to be happy so, for you, I swear I’ll try that.  
Big news: mom is pregnant! Can you believe that? Just so you know, once you’ll be back, we’ll have to babysit a lot. I reckon you’ll be great.  
I hate that you won’t be at college with me but I’ll try to endure even without you.  
And stop being so bloody nice or I’ll get on the first plane to Afghanistan and show you how “not so nice” I can be.  
Be safe love,  
Yours, Rae. XXXXXXX

 

Friday, 30th August 1996

Dear diary,  
College starts in 5 days and I am starting to panic way much more than I should. I keep getting this morning nausea and I feel like shit pretty much all day long. I’m not sure I can cope with college at all. Plus, it’s been 19 days since Finn left and I am missing him like crazy. Every time I listen to “Morning Glory” I keep crying, but, then again, I cry at pretty much anything I listen to. That guy is destroying me.  
Thank God another letter got in.  
5 months, 1 week and 6 days to go. Not sure I can handle this. 

 

Dear Rae,  
WOW, give your mom my congratulations and love. Or, better yet: give her just the congratulations and keep the love to yourself. I don’t think my heart can split the love it feels for you with anyone else. You’ll be a great big sister, and, don’t worry, I’ll be around just in time to prevent you from being annoying. ;)  
I hate that I won’t be with you in college, too; mainly because that would mean holding your hand every day on my life, which is more that I could ever dream of right now.  
One more thing, before I forget: I miss you like crazy love but don’t you dare getting on a plane. Despite the fact that, if this was a safe place, I would be the naughtiest boy on Earth, just to make you come here and punish me, Afghanistan isn’t exactly the safest place around, so please, stay home.  
I love you darling.  
As soon as I lay eyes on you.  
5 months, 2 weeks and 3 days to go.  
Yours, Finn. XXX

 

“Afghanistan isn’t the safest place around”. If Finn wanted to reassure me, this wasn’t the best way he could have come up with.

 

Dear Finn,  
I can’t wait for these 5 months to be over. I miss you like crazy, you have no idea how life is difficult without you here in this damn place. Thank God Archie and the gang are keeping me company but it’s not the same. Even when we are together the only thing we end up talk about it’s you. You’re like a disease, Nelson. ;)  
My mom says ‘thank you’ and don’t you worry, I’ll keep the love for myself. I need all the love I can get right now.  
College starts in five days and I swear, I’ll do my best to keep calm and enjoy it, although without you, it’s not going to be as funny as I thought it would be. Can you imagine us, skipping classes and locking us in weird bathroom? Because I totally can. I love you more than anything, Finn.  
Please, stay safe.  
Yours, Rae. XXXXXX

 

Wednesday, 4th September 1996

Dear diary, college’s here, at last. I feel extremely sick about this and, not just emotionally. I’ve kept feeling nauseous through all these days and I’m starting to think I have the flu or something. Between me and my mom, our bathroom seems like an hospital room but she’s excused because she’s two months pregnant and she has morning sickness. Thank God in one month it should be over. At least for her. If I keep going this way I feel like I’ll be okay just when Finn gets home.  
5 months, 1 week and 1 day to go. STAY STRONG RAE!

 

Archie had rang me the night before to tell me that he couldn’t pick me up in the morning so I had resigned myself to go on my own, when, once I opened the door, I saw Chloe standing there, waiting for me to get out. As soon as I saw her I felt really bad about us: since Finn and I became an item, we had barely seen each other and, I was afraid she was there to give me some shit but, as usual, I had been wrong. She was just trying to be a good friend to me. Like always.

«Oh my God babe, how are you? It’s been ages since I last saw you.» She put her arms around me and welcomed me with her usual big smile. She was such a vision, I had never realized how much I had missed her through all that time.

«I know Chloe, I am so sorry, really.»

«Nah, don’t be. You had someone to please, am I right?» She smirked at me and I shrugged, looking at my feet, blushing as usual.  
«You look… well, different.» 

«Chlo, it’s not like we haven’t seen each other for that long.»

«No, it’s not like that. You just look… glowing like.» 

«Glowing? My boyfriend is in Afghanistan, how could I possibly be glowing?»

«I don’t know, you just do.» I shrugged, thinking that she was just being nice to me and we made our way to college. It wasn’t like being with Finn but, it was still good to have someone at my side. School had never been nice to me so I needed all the support I could get.

As soon as we arrived, everyone seem to know who I was, despite the fact that it was my first day. Then, it hit me: I was Finn Nelson’s girlfriend and he was a legend in college. Bloody brilliant. I could hear all the laughs and the whispers saying shitty things about me and about the fact that ‘fit Finn Nelson had gone to war because he couldn’t stand being with me but he was to polite to dump me”.  
People could be so mean and I had no idea what triggered them. It wasn’t like I had done something to them, besides taking their dream’s man but it wasn’t like he was theirs in the first place. I just hoped that they could get tired of taking the piss before Finn’s return. I wasn’t going to tell him any of this, for sure. He had so much on his plate already without me getting in the way.  
As I reached my locker, I overheard a guy talking about the fact that he thought I was a witch, and that I had put some sort of spell on Finn. A witch, really? Jesus, people can be so fucking creative sometimes.  
I just shrugged and opened the locker when a red rose came out of it and hit the ground. I picked it up as fast as I could, trying to hide it from the rest of the crowd in the hallway, thinking that I didn’t really need any of their shit, at least not that day.  
I assumed it was some kind of prank but, as soon as I recognized the handwriting on the little white note, I let out a whip of joy. It was Finn’s.

 

Happy first day of college, girl.  
I love you.  
Finn.

 

I couldn’t understand how I got to be “stuck” with the sweetest guy in the all universe. No matter the fact that he was risking his own life, he had found the time to send me a red rose and a note, just to tell me that he loved me. There was nothing nobody could tell me. I was untouchable.

 

Wednesday, 11th September 1996

Dear diary,  
One month ago Finn was leaving for Afghanistan and yet, here we are, still standing and still loving each other. One month down, 5 to go.  
College it’s less harder than I thought but it would be a lot easier if Finn was here with me. Plus, it’s been 12 days since I haven’t heard from him. I understand it’s complicated to write a letter in a war zone but I can’t help to worry. I love that guy so much it hurts. The morning sickness has become the daily sickness and it’s getting worst. I feel like someone is punching from inside me. This flu is getting the best of me.  
5 months to go. I can do this. I have to.

 

Friday, 20th September 1996

Dear diary,  
I feel like crap. Mum has insisted that I go see a doctor even though she knows I hate them. I just have a bad virus, why do I need to get checked out? I asked Archie to come with and he agreed because he’s seriously worried about me. I seriously don’t know what’s all this fuss about. 21 days without hearing from Finn. I feel devastated and empty. And I worry all the time. I have thought about ringing his father but I don’t want to upset him more than he already probably is.  
4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days to go. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I need him back!

 

«You know, I am so glad you finally decided to go see a doctor. I was dead worried about you.» Archie had been waiting for me in the lounge, and, through the all week had insisted that I needed to get checked. The love of my life was God knows where and I hadn’t heard from him in 20 days, how was I supposed to be?

«I’m going just because you’re insisting but I’m sure I am fine, Arch.»

«I really hope so Rae.»

«Jesus, aren’t you supposed to give me some strength?» He smiled and got up from the couch, leading the way from my house to his car. Since Finn had left he had been overprotective with me, in and out of college and I loved to think that he was doing all of that because Finn had secretly told him to watch over me while he was gone. Another reason to love him more.

«I’m sure you’ll be fine Rae.»

«That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you dickhead.»

«I know, we just want to be sure.» I wasn’t really paying much attention to him when he said the word “we”. I automatically turned my head to him, shock on my face.

«We? Did you tell Finn I was feeling bad?» He nodded without saying a word. He knew I was pissed because I had specifically told him to keep his mouth shut about this.  
«God, Archie, I told you not to tell him, he’s going to be dead worried for no reason now.»

«Look, he’s my best friend and he loves you I couldn’t exactly keep quiet.»

«It’s a fucking flu for fuck’s sake.»

«We all had a flu and none of us has ever felt this way. There’s clearly something else.»

«Just… just, shut up, I’m too angry to talk to you. Just drive and lets get over this with.» I knew Archie was just looking out for me but Finn was in the middle of a war and he needed to keep his head in the game. 

While we were sitting outside the doctor’s office, Tix came out of nowhere. I didn’t think about the fact that she could have been there but, seeing her, made me feel so happy that I started to cry without knowing why and I wrapped my arms around her.

«Rae, what are you doing here? What’s going on?» 

«I don’t know why I’m crying I’m sorry Tix. Just happy to see you I guess.» She looked over to Archie and, despite the fact that they didn’t know each other they just looked into each other’s eyes and knew everything. I was glad to have them both by my side now that Finn was away.  
As I tried to wipe away some tears, the doctor told me to come in and Archie and Tix waited outside.  
On my own, in the studio, I started panicking a little, especially when the doctor put his hands on my body, on my belly, there, where only Finn’s hands had been and I cried out a little, finding myself missing him more than I had ever done.  
I saw him smiling and I couldn’t understand why until he made me dress myself and told me to take a seat.

«Everything is perfectly fine Rachel.»

«Thank God, I knew it. It’s just a bloody flu, isn’t it?» He looked quite confused, not sure what was I on about and he shook his head ‘no’.

«No, you don’t have the flu Rachel.»

«Then what is it? Is it something bad? God, please don’t tell me I have cancer or something.» He stood there quietly laughing but I couldn’t understand what was there to laugh about.

«No, no, it’s nothing like that. You’re perfectly sane for your condition.»

«What condition?»

«You are pregnant Rachel. Between 6 and 7 weeks now.» I wasn’t quite sure I had heard him talking correctly until I realized he wasn’t correcting himself. I was pregnant. I was fucking pregnant. 6 or 7 fucking weeks pregnant. How did I not notice it while I had a pregnant woman in the house? What is Finn going to think about this? He’s going to kill me for sure, why did I have to ask him to make love to me without a condom? Why am I so fucking stupid all the time?  
No, no I can’t tell him, he’s in fucking Afghanistan! Oh God, how did this happen?  
«Are you okay, Rachel?»

«Ehm, yeah… no, I mean, I’m not sure.»

«It’s totally understandable, you’re so young. Do you… do you have a partner?»

«Yeah, yeah I do, but… ehm, he’s not here right now. He’s in the army.»

«Ah a good boy, isn’t he?»

«Yeah, the best.» 

«I’m sure you two will figure it out then.» I nodded while I was still trying to process it. What if Finn didn’t want the baby? What if he didn’t feel ready for this? I wasn’t sure about this, either. We were so young to start a family. What if he told me to get an abortion? I knew Finn wasn’t that guy but still, I could have understood him although I would have never had the strength to kill our baby. But no, it was fine. Sure, unexpected but we would be fine. We loved each other and, although at first I hadn’t been sure about us, now, after all we had been through, I knew we could do it. We had our parents, our friends and we had each other. We would have been fine.

 

Tuesday, 1st October 1996

Dear diary,  
After an entire month Finn finally wrote me a letter. I know I should have written him something in these days, since I found out about the pregnancy, but what could I say, without knowing first if he was okay or lost somewhere is Asia? I have never been more worried in my life. Not only I have to deal with this pregnancy on my own while Finn is away but not knowing where he is makes it twice harder for me. My mom has shown herself quite understanding and Karim literally doesn’t make me move a finger. Archie almost choke at the news while Tix just opened and dropped her mouth to the shock. Izzy and Chloe are being extremely supportive but I hate the fact that everyone knows about this besides Finn. He should have been the first to know about this but I got so scared, words didn’t really leave my mind.  
I guess now, it’s the time. I can’t hold it back any longer.  
Going to read again the letter. Bye for now.  
4 months, 1 week and 4 days until Finn gets back.  
7 months or so until the baby comes.  
2 months and 26 days until my 17th birthday. God, what an awkward countdown.

 

My love,  
You have no idea how sorry and deeply devastated I am for not being able to write to you this past month. I swear, I tried, but I couldn’t. A huge conflict has blown off somewhere near by and getting in touch was impossible. If you see or hear from my father, please let him know I am fine.  
Please babe don’t hate me for being away. You couldn’t hate me more than I already hate myself anyway. Archie told me you don't feel very well these days but I hope you'll be fine soon. If not, please tell me. I will kill someone and get on a fucking plane. I hate leaving you alone lie this. I miss you so much it almost hurts to look at our photo together. I found myself reading your note on the back of the Polaroid.  
“Don’t forge about me, Nelson. I love you.”  
I want you to know one thing babe: no matter where I am, no matter if I can’t keep in touch, remember that I love you, always, okay? It’s really important to me that you remember this and, if you ever, EVER, forget about this, I’ll be there to remind you of it, okay?  
4 months and I’ll be home, love. I can’t wait to have you back in my arms.  
As soon as I lay eyes on you.  
I love you.  
Yours, Finn. XXX

 

Re-reading his letter made my eyes burn again. My face was completely covered in tears but how could it be otherwise? His words were helping me a little, I knew he loved me just as much as I loved him and I still couldn’t believe that we had developed such a feeling in a month or so. I just hoped his love could be enough for me and the baby but, no matter his decision, I was sure of my love and there was no way I could have gave up on our child.  
I knew I had waited already enough to tell him about it and I was just avoiding the inevitable but the fear of loosing him on behalf of something so precious that was growing inside me and that I already started to love more than myself was killing me but I knew, it was time to let him know. And the decision would have been his. Being a part of his son or daughter’s life or not and we would have gone from there.

My hand was incredibly shaking while holding the pen on the white page. So much to say, so much to write and feel and so much to loose. All in one blank page.

 

Dear Finn,  
I tried to keep calm while not hearing anything from you but it was bloody difficult. You have no idea how deeply happy I am that you’re okay. You are my life and I wouldn’t have been able to live without you by my side. 4 fucking months until we are together again and I can’t wait to see your smile, your beautiful face, to hear your laugh and your voice. I’m feeling like I’m forgetting a couple of things about you and I don’t quite like it.  
I didn’t get the chance of saying ‘thank you’ for your rose on the first day of college. You always know what to do and how to do it. I love you more for that, you know?  
And I know you love me babe, I do. That’s why I hope you won’t be upset after reading the next part of this letter.  
I know I should have written to you earlier, or better yet, as soon as I found out about this. It’s just that I really didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want you to think the worst of me. I want you to know it wasn’t planned at all. I feel quite young for this and I am definitely not ready to start a family but, with you, I feel like I could do anything. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, I want to wait for you to find out about this. Plus, it’s a little early for that since I am only 2 months pregnant.  
If you don’t want to start a family with me I completely understand you and I’m not forcing you into anything but I just want you to know that I am keeping the baby because I love you and I believe in us.  
Please don’t hate me, I really really didn’t plan any of this. I hope you know that.  
Please, be safe.  
Rae. 

 

Monday, 21st October 1996

Dear diary,  
It’s been 20 days since I have written to Finn about our child. He hasn’t talked to Archie or his dad or me. I really don’t know what to think.  
Is he okay and just feeling mad about me because he doesn’t want a kid with me?  
Or is he okay but mad at me for not telling him sooner about this?  
Or is he dead somewhere in the middle of fucking Afghanistan?  
I feel so helpless diary. Everything seems dark just like 8 months ago. But I need to be strong for my child. I have to.  
3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days until his return.  
6 months and some weeks until the baby’s due.  
2 months and 6 days until my 17th birthday. 

 

Thursday, 31st October 1996

Dear diary,  
I feel hopeless. I don’t know what to do. It’s been a month since I have heard from him and this morning on the news we heard of a huge explosion in Afghanistan. They usually moved a lot in that area so he’s probably fine but, why hasn’t he wrote me back? Does he really hate me that much?  
I am so sick at the thought of him hating me that I am skipping my sessions with Kester, too. Mum is not pushing me too much but she says it’s not good for me and quite frankly, I know she’s right. I just have to fight myself to go to college every fucking day, I can’t really cope about leaving the house for something else.  
The morning nausea has finally stopped but the belly is not showing at all. Probably because of all the glob that is covering it.

 

November.

 

December.

 

Wednesday, 18th December 1996

Dear diary,  
Life if a shit. Sorry for not writing in these months but I haven’t been in the best place. I’ve been admitted in the hospital again for two weeks. I just didn’t know what to do with my life and now that Finn clearly hates me, I couldn’t see the point of going on with my life. Archie found me on the floor in the lounge and saved both me and my child. We are both fine now. As fine as we can be.  
None of us had heard anything from Finn, not even his father and we are dead worried about this situation. Gary tried to get in contact with someone in Afghanistan but with zero success.  
I don’t think I can handle being alive while he could be dead somewhere we don’t know. I need to know he’s fine. Even if he hates me, I need to know that he’s fine.  
Christmas it’s close, I need a good news to at least try to enjoy this holiday.

 

«Rae, Mr. Nelson is on the phone for you. It’s about Finn.» My mom’s voice was steady but also a bit worried. I felt like my legs wouldn’t have been able to keep me up long enough to pick up the phone.  
“Please let it be good news. Please tell me he’s fine.”

«I got it mom, taking it from up here.» As I picked up the phone I could clearly hear her coming up the stairs and entering the room. She was fond of Finn, especially now that he was the father of my child. I hadn’t told any of that to Gary and I felt bad about it but I couldn’t handle a judgemental look on his face. He was Finn’s dad after all.  
«Gary, it’s Rae.» My voice came out as a whisper. I wasn’t exactly too sure I wanted to hear this and even if I did want to know Gary’s words were absolutely confused and I didn’t get anything of what he had said.  
«Gary slow down please, I didn’t get a word out of that. What’s happened to Finn?»

«There was a huge conflict near Kabul and Finn’s squad was there. The all group has been involved and many people died.» I felt like my heart was being ripped off from my chest and I had to sit on the floor, to avoid collapsing.  
«We haven’t heard from Finn because the conflict happened on October, 2nd. He had been missing along with other 32 people for over 2 months but they found them and they’re bringing them back to England.»

«Oh thank God, so he’s okay, right?» Gary didn’t answer right away and I knew he was struggling with finding the right words.  
«Gary, he is okay, RIGHT?»

«He is alive but far from being okay. He has been unconscious for all this time and he still is. Plus… well…»

«What? Gary PLUS WHAT? I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.»

«It’s fine, I understand your pain. It’s just that it’s hard for me to know that my boy… well... Rae, the thing is, he might have lost his sight. They don’t know if it’s temporary or not.» I could hear him sob from across the phone but I didn’t know what to say to comfort him. All that time I had been thinking about myself, about the fact that I was going to raise a child on my own, while the love of my life was struggling for his life and had probably lived horrors that would have haunt him forever. 

«Gary when are they taking him back?»

«He’s coming back today, they just phoned me. I am picking you up in an hour alright?» That was it. I could finally see again my Finn and he probably wouldn’t have been able to see me. Probably ever again. Tears were rolling freely down my cheeks, while my mom was sitting next to me and Karim had just walked into the room, finding us sobbing on the floor.  
I was near the fifth month of pregnancy and now my belly was finally showing up so there was no way I could have hide that from Gary that time. 

«Gary, I need to tell you something but I don’t want you to freak out.»

«It’s fine Rae. I know you’re pregnant with my son’s child.» How could he know about this? I had asked for secrecy to all those who knew so, how could he possibly know?  
«I saw you outside the hospital the other day and I knew.»

«And, you’re not angry about this?»

«Why would I be? I know you guys are young but, you’re in love. I’m sure Finn will be happy once he’ll know.»

«He already knows Gary, I sent him a letter.»

«I’m pretty sure he didn’t get it love.» All that time thinking he didn’t want a baby with me, all that time wondering if he was still the guy I had fell for and, in the middle of all that, he probably didn’t even know he was going to be a father in the first place. How could I have been so damn selfish?  
«Right, enough with the crying now Rae. Finn is coming home in one piece just like you asked.» I loved the fact that Finn and his dad talked about us and our relationship. They were pretty close and I was happy about that because Gary was the paternal figure I had never had, at least until Karim had showed up. 

«Right, I’m gonna get changed then and I’ll be ready in an hour. Thanks for calling me Gary, I mean it.»

«Don’t even mention it. See you later Rae.» I stood up as soon as I put down the phone and got into the shower. All I could think about was seeing him, holding his hand, telling him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him and his duty for the country. I couldn’t wait to tell him we were going to have a little child because now, thank to Gary’s words, I was sure he would have been happy to hear about it. We would have been just fine, just like I had thought the first time the doctor had told me I was pregnant. We were going to be a family and we were going to be fine.

 

… two hours later … 

 

Sitting in that hospital, with lots of scared and crazy people, made me feel sick; it wasn’t fair what those people were going through. All those families ruined forever by the death of a son, or a brother, or a father. It wasn’t fair what the war was putting us through and I just hoped Finn wasn’t going to suffer of PTSD. I would have been there to help him of course but, seeing him struggling with something like that and knowing that I couldn’t do anything to take away his pain, would have killed me in the long run.  
Finn meant to me more than anyone or anything in the entire world and I just hoped that being with me was going to be enough for him, after all he went through.

«Who’s the family of… ehm… Finn Nelson?» Gary and I got up the minute the doctor came in the hallway. He didn’t seem too upset about our situation but then again, I wasn’t exactly good at reading people.

«We are. I am the father and she’s his girlfriend. How is he doctor? They told us he might have lost his sight, is it true?» He tried to calm us down but we were too anxious to keep calm in that situation.

«Your son has been kind of lucky in the middle of all this mess but he has severe damages. He hasn’t completely recovered from his coma and I am afraid he has lost his sight, sir. I can’t quite say if it’s going to be permanent but it’s going to take a lot of time before he will see again. About his memory loss however…»

«Memory loss? He has lost his memory? Why hadn’t anyone told us?» 

«Try to be calm Miss.»

«I can’t keep calm, you’re telling me that the love of my life doesn’t remember me and will probably never see me again, how can I keep calm?» I knew there were lots of people who were much more devastated than we were but I didn’t even think about the possibility of him not remembering me. This was too much for me to handle: pregnant with someone’s child who didn’t even know he was going to be a father and not only he didn’t remember me but he would have probably never have the chance of seeing his own kid. Why was life putting us through that?

«I know it must be painful for you but you got lucky, trust me. Many people here are facing major traumas and injuries. As I was saying, the memory loss should be temporary. That I can be quite sure about. If you want you can see him even if he’s asleep.»

«How… how did he loose his sight, doctor?»

«A grenade blow up in his face, so don’t be too much shocked once you’ll see his face. He has severe injuries.» As the doctor left us to go talk to another family, Gary covered his face with his hands and I could hear him sob but I didn’t have the strength to cry a little more. I had consumed all of my tears in those past months and now I just needed to see him. I didn’t care how bad he looked, he was my Finn no matter what.

«Gary, you should go and see him and tell me how he is.»

«No Rae, you go first.»

«There’s no way Gary, he’s your son. Go ahead.» He shook ‘no’ with his head.

«And he is the love of your life, right? I’m sure it will help him to have you around.» I quietly nodded and made my way to the ward. The nurse gave me a change of clothes and led me in the burn unit.  
Once I got in I felt physically hurt: there were so many people who were facing major wounds and I realized that the doctor had been right: Finn was in fact lucky, very lucky. He was in the last room, at the end of the hallway. I was afraid of going in, of seeing his pain but I needed to hold his hand. At least just once.

Once opened the door, I saw him laying there, in his bed, still unconscious. Despite all the marks, the bruises and the burn on his face, the bandage covering his eyes and lots of tube going in and out of his skin, he was still my beautiful Finn, my perfect beautiful dickhead. I would have given anything to hear him call me again ‘dickhead’, just once more. Just to know he was still there and he was still mine. I took a chair for the corner of the room and sat next to his bed, catching his hand between mine. Having him this close felt like heaven, even in a situation like that one.

«Hey babe, it’s me. You’re finally home, you don’t need to worry about anything anymore. I am here, your dad is here and… and, your friends are… are here…» I couldn’t help but sobbing in between of my words. I was talking to someone who couldn’t hear but I hoped, somewhere deep down inside of him, my voice could reach him and soothe him a little.  
«I have waited for this moment for so long babe, you have no idea. I love you like crazy, you know that, don’t you?» While I kept talking to him, for as weird as it sounded, I could have sworn he had squeezed my hand, just for a second.  
I raised my eyes to him, to catch a glimpse of him being awake but he was just laying there like before. No sign of a change. I breathed out a little, a tear came down on my right cheek and, as I whipped it away, he let out a groan.  
I thought I was just imagining it in my head, as desperate as I was to hear his voice again, but a few seconds later he did it again.  
«Finn, Finn can you hear me?»

«Where… where am… ehm... what is going on?»

«You are in hospital, you had an accident. I’m going to call the doctor now.» I let his hand go but he quickly hold on tight. He didn’t want to be alone.

«Before… before you go, could you turn the light on?» How could I tell him that there was no light to turn on? How could I be the one to break him like that?

«Ehm, actually… you see there are other people in here and they are sleeping, so I really can’t do that. Let me get the doctor for you.» He barely nodded at me and while I got closer to the door he spoke again. It was more like a whisper but it was enough for me.

«Are you the nurse who’s being looking after me?» I knew that the doctor said he had lost his memory but being there with him, after months of him being away, and hear him asking me if I was the nurse, like he didn’t recognize my voice or something, made me feel sick and if I didn’t have the wall to keep me on my feet I would have probably collapsed on the ground.

«Yeah, that would be me.»

«Could you tell me what my name is? I can't quite remember it.»

«It’s Nelson. Finn Nelson.» I couldn’t keep the tears in me anymore and I left the room, running for the doctor to go and visit him. Gary looked at me, visibly upset, but I couldn’t say anything to him. We were going to go through major changes in our lives but, most of all, Finn was and we had to be there for him. No matter how much it hurt us to be there for him and him not remembering who we were to him.


	12. You look beautiful.

Friday, 20th December 1996

Dear diary,  
as usual I am being a coward. It's been two days since Finn has returned home and I've never been there to visit him, not once. Not that he would care anyway since his memory seems to be lost for good. Yeah, diary, I know it's only been two days but you have no idea how I'm feeling about this. I would do anything to help him, literally anything but I don't think I'm the person for the job. How can I help him being better if he doesn't even know who I am?  
His dad called like 50 times in these past few days, letting me know he told Finn all about me but kept the baby question outside their conversation. He said that telling him about my pregnancy was up to me but that I had to visit Finn otherwise, how could he learn how to be with me again?  
But, that's the thing diary: I didn't quite understand his love for me before so how can I help him fall in love with me again? I already got lucky once, I'm not sure I'll get that chance again.   
5 days until Christmas.   
7 days until my birthday.  
4 months and some weeks until the baby's due.  
Without Finn doesn't quite seem like a life worth living.

 

I know, deep down, I have to go see Finn. And it's not just for him but for me, as well. To be completely honest, I miss him like crazy. And my love for him hasn't changed at all; in fact, I think it got deeper because now I have to love for both of us and I have to be the strong one in this relationship. The thing that's frightening me the most is that he won't be able to see or remember me once we'll be in the same room alone and, I'm not sure I can handle that. I don't think I am being selfish or, at least, I hope I am not, but, the reality is that the first time I had thought he was mad at me, for the pregnancy, I had hurt myself again and I can't imagine how my head will cope with me talking to him and getting nothing but a normal and probably cold conversation. I know that hurting me was not fair to me or to our child, which has no guilt in all of this. I still love my child with all my heart but imagining raising him or her alone, it's different now because, he's not dead somewhere or mad at me because he doesn't want a child. It's different because I can't imagine him raising his child with a woman he doesn't know at all. I know this amnesia could and should be temporary but still, for now, I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.   
I know I have to tell him though, and let him decide for his life. At least, I owe him that. 

«Mum, I'm going to the hospital.» I was already on my way out when my mum got out of the kitchen in a second. She was of the size of a balloon since she was almost ready to give birth to my little sister. She was quite unsure about the name, basically because Karim wanted to call her Khadija or Rachida, which weren't bad names but for a girl destined to live in England weren't quite right. My mum wanted to call her Maria or Claudia, since she had it bad for Italian names and I had found myself liking them, too. 

«Are you feeling bad, love?»

«No, why would you say that?» I had spent the entire morning preparing myself for my meeting with Finn, only to realize he wouldn't have cared seen as he wouldn't have been able to see me at all and now my mom was asking me if I was alright. Maybe I didn't look as good as I thought.

«Because you just said you're going to the hospital.»

«I'm going to visit Finn mum, everything is fine, trust me.» She let out a breath of relief and smiled a little before returning to the kitchen.

As I went to the hospital, thoughts of every kind bothered my mind. What if he didn't want to talk to me at all? What if he was mad at me for letting him believe I was just the nurse? What if he was so scared by his blindness that he didn't want me or anyone else to see him?   
I had briefly talked with Archie and Chop about his condition, seen as they had been visiting him, and they hadn't been exactly sure about his well being. It wasn't just the fact that he hadn't remember them though: they had felt like he was someone else, like the war had deeply changed him. They always say that once you go into a war zone, there's like a 5% possibility of coming back like you used to be, but for him, the struggle was triple. Not only he had been in an unknown place for 4 months, away from his loved ones, but now, he was facing blindness and memory loss. Finn had always been the greatest guy I had ever met and he was incredibly brave, too, but, I guess, war is tough on everyone, no matter how strong you are. 

As I entered the ward, I felt incredibly dizzy. It was like I was on the top of a mountain and I was looking down, afraid to fall at any moment. How was I supposed to stay strong for him when I literally couldn't keep myself on my own two feet?  
Finn's room kept getting closer and closer and the nausea kept growing until I finally put my hand on the door, which was slightly opened already, and I suddenly felt calmer. As usual, Finn's presence made me feel safer. No matter what was going to happen, no matter what he was going to say to me, I felt incredibly peaceful.  
Walking in, being careful not do disturb him since he was probably resting, I could see him laying in bed, his eyes still covered from the bandages and I immediately remembered that the doctors were going to take them away that afternoon. I wasn't sure if he wanted me around for that moment, or his life in general, but that was the time to find out.   
Even if I couldn't see his eyes, once I was completely in the room, with the door closed behind me, I knew he was awake. I knew his breathing while he was asleep and that couldn't have changed.   
He instantly turned his head around towards me. It felt like he was watching me even if he couldn't.

«Rae...» It came out as a whisper but that was enough for me. I couldn't understand how he knew it was me, without seeing me or hearing me introducing myself. 

«How do you know who I am?» I didn't mean to cry while talking, but it was impossible for me to stop. 

«It's just... I guess I remember your scent. Would that be possible?»

«Yeah, well... I guess it could be that. Ehm.. how... how are you?»

«Despite the fact that I can't see or remember anything, I'm good. I'm glad you came by. You were all dad could talk about and I wanted to meet you.» He wanted to meet me. It felt so weird hearing him saying that, like we had never known each other or something. I was suddenly a stranger to him while he kept on being the love of my life and the father of my child. 

«What did your father say about me?»

«Basically that you were my girlfriend before I left for Afghanistan. And I... well, I wanted to say sorry.»

«Sorry? Sorry for what?» He tried to get to his wallet on the little table beside his bed and I rushed to him to help him out, making our hands collide. It was the second time since he had returned, that our hands had touched but this time, it was different. It was like he didn't want to touch me or to have any physical contact with anybody. It was extremely weird to be with this Finn because he was the one who always needed to hold my hands, or hug me or resting his head on my shoulder. My Finn was just glad to be in the same room with me while, this 'new' Finn, seemed like he was disgusted by my presence. It hurt.  
He quickly removed his hand from my touch and I handled him his wallet. He tried to smile at me but I could see he was forcing himself. We weren't the same Finn and Rae.   
He tried to get out something that seemed like a piece of paper, but, once it was in his hands, I recognized our picture, the one I had took the first and only night we had made love. A tear came down on my face and I quickly whipped it away. He gave me the photo and I was cautious not to touch his hand again, afraid to scare him away.

«My dad told me you took this photo before I left and that you wrote on the back of it to not forget about you. I am so sorry I did.» No matter the fact that he had severe injuries and that he was going through hell, no matter the fact that he didn't know who I was and what we had been to each other, the love that we had, he was still the same sweet guy of always. Still worrying about me and my feelings. He was still himself. I was relieved, there was a chance of brining him back to me after all.

«It's not your fault Finn, it's fine.»

«I know you're trying to cheer me up but you don't have to. My dad told me you haven't been good in these past months. I shouldn't have left, I'm sorry.»

«You know, you don't remember this but before you took off for Afghanistan, we talked about this and I said that I was very proud of you for serving your country, and, no matter how much I have suffered for your departure, you have always found your way to let me know you were thinking of me.»

«I am the romantic type, uh?» He let out a small laugh, and it suddenly felt like we were back at being us. Teasing and laughing like we were used to do before. I couldn't help but laugh myself.

«You really are Nelson... ehm, I'm sorry, I meant Finn.» He shook 'no' with his head and held his hand out for me. This time he wanted me to take it and I grabbed it as soon as I could.

«You need to act with me like you used to, so that I can regain my memory back faster, okay?»

«Yeah, sure, whatever you want.»

«So, I was Nelson to you, was I?»

«Actually, you were 'dickhead' too, sometimes.» He brought his other hand to his face, trying to cover a major laugh and a little bit of hurt for laughing so much. No matter the fact that he was covered in injuries and bandages, he was still beyond gorgeous. 

«A dickhead, really? And what did I do to deserve that?»

«You were just being you, I guess.»

«I'll tell you what, Rae: as soon as I get better, I'll show you who the dickhead is between us.» He smiled at me, this time being completely honest and it felt like home. All was good again, it would have just taken some extra time but it didn’t matter at all. I was there for the long run.

«You can be better as you want but we both know I am not the dickhead in this relationship.» His smile faded away and he seemed quite upset by my words. It was quite strange how I could still get his emotions and feelings without really looking at him. Maybe I had gone too far, maybe he wasn't ready to talk about us like a couple and, I could understand him. Despite of all, I could really understand him.  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. If you're not ready to talk about us, it's fine. I totally understand it and... well... if you don't, I mean if you think that it would be better for us to be just friends, I can understand it, really... I mean if you... well, I can... what I'm trying to say is that..." Why was I talking like a broken record? It seemed like I was 5 years old, words literally couldn't leave my throat and I found myself interrupted by Finn, before I could actually make him understand my point. I didn't want to do this alone and I didn't want him to get better on his own, I wanted to support him through the recovery, but, he didn't really know me and, right now, he needed to be surrounded by people who could help him without scaring him away.

«You usually talk like this all the time, Rae?»

«Kind of... well, when I'm nervous.»

«And you still pretend I am the dickhead here, yes?» He smiled at me and squeezed my hand in his. He wasn't mad at all and surely he wasn't thinking about recovering on his own. Maybe that was the right time to tell him about the pregnancy. I had never thought there was going to be a right time but, as usual, Finn had proved me wrong. With us, there was always a right time.  
«You know, I got a little upset earlier, yes, but not for the reasons you believe.»

«Finn, if you think that I could be more useful to you as a friend than as a girlfriend, I am okay with that, I mean it. I just want to help you.» It wasn't completely true but, for him, I could have done literally everything.

«Are you trying to get rid of me, Rae?» He was teasing me as usual, although he didn't remember that we used to do that.

«I am always trying to get rid of you, Nelson.» He put his hand over his heart, pretending to be hurt by my words.

«I am recovering here girl, you can tell me such things. I won't allow it.» He was still teasing but my breath got stolen away. That was the first time he had called me 'girl' again. I felt like crying out of joy, my Finn was coming back to me.  
«You're okay, Rae?»

«What?»

«I can't see you but I can feel you're shaking. Everything alright?»

«Yeah, it's just that, you used to call me girl quite often before your departure. I guess, I got a bit emotional.»

«Would you prefer if I continued with Rae?»

«NO!» It came out a little louder than I had thought and it made us laugh both.   
«What I mean, is that, you can call me as you prefer.»

«Good, than girl it is.» He smiled at me and, even if I couldn't see behind the bandages covering his beautiful brown and deep eyes, I knew he was smiling with them, too. Despite the fact that he couldn’t really stand up, all of a sudden, he tried to get up from the bed, just a little, and patted with his free hand on the blanket, asking me to sit down next to him. Once I accepted and he felt my presence next to him, he got a little closer, just to be sure he could hold my face in his hands. His touch made me automatically close my eyes, I had craved for him for such a long time I thought I had forgot how sweet and gentle he had always been. Now, although he didn't know about our past together, he still knew how to conquer me. I could feel his breath getting shorter and closer. Despite the fact that my eyes were shut down, I knew he was inches away from my lips. 

«Can I kiss you Rae?» How could he ask me that? I had been waiting for him for four entire months, he had been all I could think about, and now, he was there, we both were, inches away from each other, and he was still asking permission. I briefly smiled and whispered ‘yes’, afraid of opening my eyes to look at him, afraid of everything.  
Just when he was about to kiss me, the doctors came in. It was time to step aside and let them do their work but Finn held my hand stronger, begging me with his lips to not let go. He was already fond of me after two hours. Our connection was still as deep as it was before his leaving. 

«Are you ready to take your bandages off, Finn?» Doctor Sullivan, seemed quite content about his doing and he was positive, Finn could have regained his sight back. He nodded at the doctor, keeping 'looking' at me. It was like he could tell where I was standing even without actually seeing me.   
«You are the girlfriend, I presume. You can stay if Finn wants you around.» I nodded and smiled at him. H was looking at us and he immediately understood our connection. For the first time I didn’t feel like I was out of context. 

While the doctor repeated to Finn any possible outcome, he barely nodded but kept his eyes on me, even though I had changed my position. Every second that passed by, there were less bandages covering his eyes and, after five minutes of care from his nurse, I could finally see his beautiful face in all his glory. No matter how many injuries were still there, as a remark of his story, he was still my Finn. His eyes were still shut down, he was visibly afraid to open them, no matter the fact that the doctor had told him that nothing wrong could have happened. Worst case scenario he wouldn't have been able to see but we were ready for that.

«Come on now Finn, you can open them.»

«I don't want to... I don't want to disappoint you.»

«What are you talking about? You could never disappoint me.» I got a little closer to the bed and held his hand back into mine.   
«You can do this Finn. I know you can, trust me.» He nodded and smiled at me. I could see his struggle and hurt and it felt almost like I could feel his pain. He was really trying to be strong but, at this point, he was just as scared as I was. He started opening his eyes a little but he closed them right away, almost like he had had a glimpse of light and he had been blinded by it.   
After a few seconds he opened them again, a little more this time, and he kept holding my hand during the entire process.  
Once they were completely opened, it seemed like he was actually looking at me. I knew that the doctor had said that regaining his sight would have been a little hard for Finn, seen as a grenade had blown off to his face, but as soon as he opened them, it really felt like he was staring at me. I found myself holding my breath until he finally spoke.

«You look really beautiful girl.» A tear escaped from my eye, a joyful tear, that Finn whipped away with his thumb. The only thing I wanted to do was jump on the bed and hug him, kiss him, hold him in my arms, all things I couldn't do because of his memory loss and the doctor's presence. My Finn was almost back and I couldn't act like I wanted with him. I knew I should have just been glad that he was okay but I couldn't help but feeling helpless and a little hurt, which wasn't obviously his fault. I kept remembering him saying 'as soon as I lay eyes on you' and, although I knew his memory was lost, for now or for good, I couldn't help but feeling a little lost. All those letters and the promises we had made to each other. All that we had conquered and lived together, was now gone and I couldn't think about the fact that maybe I would have had to talk to him about us being together and all that we had done.   
It's extremely selfish of me to even think that, and I'm not even completely sure I can blame it on the hormones but, it's how I feel and I can't deny it forever. At least, not to myself.   
The doctor was extremely proud of his surgery and, although he needed to do an accurate visit to his eyes, he realized we needed some time alone, to enjoy the news. «I'm glad you're the first person I've seen since I've lost my sight.»

«Yeah? Why is that?»

«Because, before actually getting a chance of looking at you, I thought you had to be pretty. The way you talked, the way my dad told me how much in love we were, the way I recognized your scent the second you came in today. You had to be pretty, but now, that I really look at you, I realize you're not just pretty. You're definitely the prettiest girl on the planet.»

«That is because you don't remember any other girl you have met in your life, dickhead.»

«Uh, now I get it. I am a dickhead every time I tell you, you're beautiful, am I right?»

«Nah, you're a dickhead pretty much all the time.» He brought his hand on the back of his hair, shaking his head in disbelief but I knew he was happy we were that close. He was glad to have someone he could talk to without being judged and I was happy to be that person to him. I would have been anything for him. Anything. 

«I thought girls loved compliments.»

«Not this one, Nelson. Although if you insist on keep going, I won't stop you.» He laughed and like it always happened with us, laughing became teasing and the air surrounding us became thicker. I was still sitting on the bed and he got closer once again; there was still we had to talk about but I just wanted to feel him like he was still my boyfriend, at least once more. Our lips were inches away but I could feel him not being completely ready to kiss me. Was he trying to be nice with me because he knew we were a couple? Maybe he had just been kind when he had told me I was the prettiest girl on the planet for him, because, let’s face it, I am definitely not. Since I had been in that room with him I had felt at home, safe from everything and everyone but now, now that we were actually about to kiss after months of separation, I felt, for the first time with him, panic. Just before locking our lips together, I pulled away, it didn't feel right to be with him like that, although I didn't want anything else. 

«Something wrong?»

«No, it's just... well, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. I mean, you don't have to do it for me.»

«I thought, I mean, after what my dad said, I thought we were really in love but now...»

«We were Finn, of course we were. Now what? What is it?»

«The problem is this, Rae.» He put his hand on my belly and I suddenly felt like a jerk. How didn’t I have realized he would have seen my status now that he had got his sight back? Why didn’t I have told him sooner? I automatically started to cry and he put his arms around my waist. I had an entire speech prepared, well, sort of, but, right then, no words could have been more effective than the simple truth. 

«I know I should’ve told you sooner Finn, the thing is, I just wanted us back for a bit.»

«I get that, I do, but… it’s not fair. How far are you?»

«The baby's due in 4 months and some weeks. »

«You didn't wait that much than... but, well, I don't blame you. I was gone and my dad told me that, before leaving I told you that you shouldn't have waited for me. So it's fine but, well, you know, I was just wondering...» I got off the bed without letting him finish his sentence. I knew he didn't remember me or any of the things we had shared but, how could he think I would have cheated on him that quickly?

«The baby is yours, knob-head.» I turned my back to his face. He didn't deserve my tears after what he had just presumed and I didn’t feel like I could have kept them in me any longer. I could hear him apologize like a thousand times but I kept on being quiet, knowing he couldn't get up because of all his injuries. 

«You know what? No, I shouldn’t be the one apologizing. If the baby’s mine it’s even worse.» I knew he wouldn’t have been thrilled about having a child at our age but there was no need to be this aggressive with me. It wasn’t like I had planned it and, for all that he knew, we could have had even decided together to have a child.   
I faced him again, I wasn’t scared of his judgement anymore.

«Worse? If you don’t want this child you just have to say it. I’ll raise him on my own.»

«I didn’t say that. It’s just… Jesus, you have been in here for two hours, why didn’t you tell me sooner about this? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?»

«We just got back together after four months, you don’t even remember me, how can you expect me to drop a bomb like this, the minute I get in the room?» He looked at his hands and got rid of some drips and got up. He really couldn’t stand up and he was in a major pain.   
«What the hell are you doing? Go back to bed, Finn. NOW!» He didn’t seem to listen to what I was telling him and I held my arms out to him, asking him silently to grab them. I didn’t want to talk to him about the pregnancy but certainly I didn’t want him to fall to the ground.

«I don’t want your pity, Rae.»

«It’s not pity, dickhead, just grab my arms.» He laughed and that caused him a little bit of extra pain but, he didn’t seem to mind. As soon as I wrapped my arms around him to keep him steady, he cupped my face with his hands and he kissed me, passionately, without asking any type of permission, this time. It wasn’t like we had never been separated, but, it was good and it was real. He did want to kiss me this time. I could feel him being involved in that kiss. As we parted, I could feel him staring at me, gazing even.

«You don’t have to kiss me just because I told you I’m pregnant with your child.»

«I’m not kissing you because you’re the mother of my child. I’m kissing you because it’s the thing I wanted to do since you came in this room, this morning.» I smiled at him and he smirked. He always knew what to say and how to say it.  
«And also maybe because I told you I would have shown who’s the real dickhead between us.»

«So, you want this kid then?»

«It’s gonna be though but, our child was made out of love so, why should I gave up on him?»

«Who told you it’s a he?»

«Don’t know, I supposed so. Have you found out the sex, yet?»

«No, I was waiting for the father to come home, safe and sound.»

«The father is here now, and he’s not going anywhere.» We might not have been the same Finn and Rae but our love was still there and we just needed to connect once more. As long as we were together everything would have been just fine and now, we weren’t just the two of us. Our love was even stronger, if that was even possible.


	13. A new beginning.

Sunday, 22nd December 1996

Dear diary,  
today Finn returns home. He's a little frightened even if he doesn't want to admit it but his father and I are going to do everything we can to make him feel safe again. Things between us are okay, he trusts me and we have decided to find out the sex of our child so, I booked an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am so excited about this new life growing inside of me. I hope he or she will look just like Finn. A perfect and healthy baby Nelson.   
3 days until Christmas.  
5 days until my 17th birthday.  
4 months and three weeks until the baby's due.

 

Everything was coming back to normality. Finn and I were taking things slow and, besides from a few kisses, we hadn't push it through the next level, mainly because he was in an hospital but also because I knew, even if he didn't want to admit it, that he didn't love me, at least not yet, and, although it hurt to see the love of my life not returning the feelings I felt for him, I was sort of fine with that. He still didn't know who I was and he didn't have a clue about our past life together, besides from the little reminder growing inside of me.   
He had been extremely supportive and he had been the one who had decided to book the appointment with the doctor, saying he couldn't wait to meet his son or daughter. Despite all the pain he had suffered in Afghanistan and the struggles he was fighting with, he was still the same Finn I had learned to love; all that was missing were the memories of us but, there was no rush for that. Like he had said many times in these two days together, we'll just make new ones until he can get back the old ones. 

Gary had told me he would have brought Finn home around 11 AM and I had spent the entire morning and previous night getting ready to welcome him in his new life. His father had asked me to bring anything that could have helped Finn to gain his memory back faster, things like photos or vinyls but, the truth was, our all world was locked up in his bedroom.   
Every time we had been together, alone, we had been in his room: the first time he had invited me to his house had also been our first official afternoon together, which hadn't exactly ended well, then there had been our not so secret getaway from Chop's friends party, then our first time. All our good and bad stuff were locked in his room, among those walls, and, talking with Gary, I had come to the conclusion that there wouldn't have been a better place for us to start over so his dad had offered me to spend the night over so that, once he would have brought Finn home, his son would have found me in his bedroom and, hopefully, that would have had triggered something in him. 

Spending the night at his place, writing my diary on his desk, sleeping between his sheets, without him being there, hadn't been exactly easy on me but I was so looking forward to see him again, in his space, that I had said 'yes' to Gary as soon as he had asked me.   
I had just finished tiding his room when I had heard someone opening the front door. I could hear Gary and Finn talk and he seemed pretty happy to be in his house again, even if he didn't have memory of it. Maybe his house had triggered something in him, not like memories but more like safety. Despite everything, your house is always the place you feel as the safest in the all world.

After a brief moment I had heard his dad sending Finn upstairs, to his room, but Finn had insisted in going up solo, saying he wanted to discover the rest of the house for himself. Gary had agreed and as soon as I heard his steps outside the bedroom's door, I quietly opened it a bit. He spotted me right away but he didn't seem to pleased to have me there. He entered the room, looking around, probably trying to recognize something like posters or just his bed but, I could see through his eyes a glimpse of bitterness. His room felt like the strangest place of all and having me there, was only making it worse on him.

«What are you doing here Rae?»

«Your dad asked me to spend the night here so that, once you got home, you would have found me in your house.» He tried to seem happy about me being there, he really tried, but I knew him all too well to buy any of that crap he was throwing at me.  
«Do you want me to go?

«Nah, don't be silly.» He got closer and put his hand on my cheek, stroking it a bit but without the usual care he was used to give me so I pulled instinctively away.

«If you don't want me here you just have to say the word Finn, it's fine, honest.» I wasn't exactly fine with my boyfriend not wanting me around but what should I have said other than that? I didn't want to be a burden for him and, if he needed some time on his own, I could have handled it.

«I told you it's fine, why do you have to keep bragging about it?»

«Bragging about it? I'm sorry if I don't buy any word you say to me, I can still read into your words and eyes, you know.»

«And here we are again.»

«Where are we exactly?»

«Where you tell me how well you know me and I have to keep struggle with the fact that I basically don't know you but I keep on having you around all the time.» I hadn't realized how much he could have been hurt by my words, I was basically throwing at him all the time all the things I knew about him, how good I knew how to read him and he didn't have a clue about what my favorite color was or if preferred salt of sweet, but, with all that said, he didn't have to treat me like a piece of trash. I didn't care he was still injured, he shouldn't have spoken to me like that.

«I have already told you Finn, if you don't want me around I can just...»

«You just don't get it, do you? You just... I...» He probably wasn't sure about what to say next because he went to his bed, sat down and held his head in his hands. He was struggling with his words like he always used to do before. The only difference this time was that I wasn't sure he was trying to find the right words to tell me how much he loved me.  
«I am... I... I'm not sure I was this bad with words, probably not, otherwise you wouldn't have ended up with me in the first place.» I tried to answer him but he brought his hand up, asking me, silently, to let him finish.  
«It's been 4 days since I have woken up from this huge and quite stressful coma, it's been 4 days since I have a new identity, a new family, new friends, a girlfriend and also an unborn child. I don't know how to cope with all this, honest, but what I do know is that I need some time to understand what is happening to me on my own. I don't mean to sound rude but I feel like having you around all the time it's a constant reminder of me being ill because you have all these memories of me, of us, of how I was and I don't even know you. I feel like you love me like crazy and I don't know if I'll ever be able to love you like you love me.» I was trying to understand his words and I knew he was right about everything but it sounded a lot like he was breaking up with me. One day he was all cuddles and kisses and the next one he was telling me the wanted to live his life of his own. 

He brought his face to mine once again, waiting for an answer from me but, truth was, I didn't know what to tell him. Telling him he was right would have meant closing our relationship and I wasn't sure I could do that and telling him he was wrong would have meant saying that I didn't understand him and that I couldn't support him which wasn't true.

«I... I think you're right... I mean, I understand. I'd like to be there for you, to help you but, if you want to be on your own, it's fine, I can walk away.» He kept looking at me without talking and he seemed a bit confused by my words but, I didn't have time to process it and I walked away from him, going downstairs and getting out of the house where it had all begun.  
I hadn't even realized it had started raining, it was freezing cold and I didn't have an umbrella with me. It definitely wasn't good for the baby but I couldn't exactly return to Finn's so I just sped up to get home. 

If what had just happened hadn't been enough, while walking home, the gang of Big G, three twattish lads, who loved to take the piss out of me and everyone who wasn't exactly a Barbie size, had approached me and, despite the fact I tried not to listen to them, they blocked my way, and starting talking to me. Well, talking isn't exactly the right word.

«Yo jabba, it's been a while, where were you hiding?» I kept on walking, trying not to mind them but, after the moment I had just had with Finn, I could feel tears filling my eyes. Why do I let them always interfere with my life? They're nothing but a bunch of motherfuckers, I have my life, my friends, my family, my child. I can still remember the day I got out from the hospital and the one I went to the pub to meet Chloe's friends. It all seemed so surreal, me being out in the open, no more doctors all around, no more safe places but, at the same time, that was the first time I had ever felt alive. Then, there had been Finn, my Finn, and, our relationship, his being brave and supportive had made me realize that I was worth it, at least for a while. Then the war and the pregnancy should have screwed everything up for me but, they didn't. I am still strong, I just have to prove that to myself.   
I turned to face them, especially Big G, who was now speaking to me. His friends were just having his back but never really saying a word. Maybe they weren't all bad as I had thought.

«You're alright douche bag?» I could feel Big G getting nervous, he was probably thinking why I was even considering answering to him and, surely, calling him douche bag, wasn't exactly the type of name I would have used on him before. He knew I was more confident than before.

«You know, I would really give you my umbrella but I don't think it would fit you. You seem to be getting bigger.» His friends kept on laughing but without really talking. I felt incredibly sorry for them, they probably didn't have anything else to do with their life so they just spent their days taking the piss out of other people. Big G's words weren't even touching me anymore but, I needed to make him understand that what they had been doing to me and other people wasn't fair at all.

«Nah, it's alright, I kinda like the rain. Listen, I just wanted to say one thing.» Just when I was about to talk to them, to be bold, I saw Finn behind them. He had a coat in his hands and an umbrella over his head. He wasn't even looking at the other lads, once our eyes locked, he kept on looking at me and I could see he had been crying. The gang of Big G turned around and saw Finn staring at me.

«Nelson, mate, we heard about the accident in Afghanistan. We're really sorry for you.» How could they be so sensitive and kind with Finn, while treating me like a piece of shit? 

«Thanks.» Finn hadn't been a man of many words but, in that moment, he really didn't feel like talking would have served his purpose. He came closer but I could see he wasn't exactly sure about his next move. Once he was next to me, Big G started talking again to him. About us.

«Anyway man, this memory loss thing, it's a blessing ain't it?»

«A blessing?» I wasn't sure I could have stayed there listening to that twat talking to Finn about how lucky he had been, because now he would have had an excuse to break up with me. Finn didn't know everything that I had been through, the hospital, the cutting part. At least, not this Finn, and, I wasn't sure I would have been able to tell him all over again. Especially now that he just wanted to be friends.

«I think we should just go Finn.»

«You know Jabba, if he doesn't hear it from me, someone else will open his eyes.» Finn saw red as soon as Big G called me "jabba" and I could see him wrap his fist so I automatically put my hand on his shoulder and he suddenly calmed down. He looked at me for a split second and then he faced Big G again. 

«I'm sorry, what did you just say to my girlfriend?» He was probably trying to defend me in front of those twats but, listening to him calling me his girlfriend, like nothing had changed between us, felt incredibly reassuring. 

«Nelson, you're not seriously telling me you're still with her? I heard she even got herself knocked up.» I couldn't understand how they knew about my pregnancy but I couldn’t stand there listening to them saying nonsense about my child. I would have never cheated on Finn, he was the love of my life and I didn't want him to think otherwise.

«Look, I don't know who you are but I suggest you piss right off before I wrap my fist right around your nose.»

«You can't be serious Finn. You would seriously punch me to defend her?» Big G pointed his finger towards me with disgust and the others started to laugh. Finn couldn't take it anymore, he looked back at me, softly smiling, and in a moment he pushed Big G to the wall, wrapping his jacket in his hands.

«Do you think it's alright to take the piss out of a girl, isn't it? Why don't you try take the piss out of me, uh?» Big G was terrified but Finn didn't seem to mind that.  
«You apologize to her now, or I fucking curl you up, alright?» Big G nodded at him and apologized to me. I pretended to accept them even if he didn't mean them because I got scared about Finn. He still had severe injuries and getting into a fight wasn't what the doctor had recommended. Back at the hospital they had insisted about keeping him a few more days but he had been irremovable about wanting to go home.

As soon as Finn let him go, the gang got away from us and Finn got closer to me and covered us both with his umbrella.

«Why did you do that?» Finn seemed pretty confused by my words; he tried to defend me and I was treating him like dirt but I couldn't risk him getting hurt because of me.

«What do you mean? I was trying to defend you. They don't know a thing about you.»

«Neither do you.» He got visibly hurt and I hated saying those words, even if they were nothing but the truth. If we wanted to keep it civil and friendly, though, I couldn't act like that around him.  
«I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's just that... I appreciate you trying to defend me but I can fight my own battles on my own.»

«I don't doubt you can but, I couldn't let them talk to you like that.»

«So what? You're just gonna go punch every single guy who hurts all of your friends, is that it?»

«You're not just my friend, Rae.» He got closer and pressed his lips onto mine. I loved this new side of him. He didn't need to ask for anything, he just did whatever he wanted to do, even with me. He was still extremely caring and kind but also demanding. It felt like two of my favorite people were now the same person, the old Finn and the new one were now the same. And I was so lucky that he was even the father of my child. He was clearly kissing me to make me understand he wanted me, as a girl, not a friend and, once we parted, he kept his eyes onto mine to make sure I understood what he was meaning.

«I thought you said you needed some time alone.»

«I was being a dickhead. As soon as you left my room, I knew I had done the biggest mistake of my life.» He cupped my face with his hands and kept his face close to mine, foreheads barely touching but if felt like we were the same person.  
«I think that, maybe, you could help me gain my memory back. You could talk to me about our past, the things we used to do but, I need to know it all, the good and the bad stuff. If, if you're still okay with that.»

«Of course I am, but I need you to be completely honest with me, okay? If you need some time alone, some time for yourself, you have to tell me. I won't be sad about it, I'll understand, I swear.» He nodded and kissed me once again. 

«You know, sometimes, when I think about us and our situation, I don’t get it.» Without even noticing, I got away from him, building distance between our bodies and, as soon as he understood what he had said and what I was doing, he gave me the umbrella and wrapped his arms around my waist, to stop me from going away.  
«Rae, I didn’t meant it like I don’t get it why we are together. I was talking about the fact that I don’t really know you but it seems impossible for me to stay away from you.» I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until he spoke the sweetest of all words and I started breathing again. I had the most perfect and kind boyfriend at my side and, even if life was putting him through the worst, he still found the time to make me feel special. I smiled at him and brought our lips together once more, where they really belonged.

«Nelson, you’re going to be the death of me.»

«And you’ll be mine if we keep staying out here. I think we should get home now, it's freezing cold and it's not good for our child or you to be suffering like this.» He put his hand over my belly and, for the first time, our baby kicked. We immediately locked our eyes together, it had felt like a part of me was finally starting to show itself. Like our child was happy about us being together, at last.

«Did he ever do it before?»

«No, I, no, he didn't. I guess he was waiting for his father to stop being a dickhead.» He smirked at me and put his arm over my shoulder, guiding me back to his house. 

 

__________________

 

Once we got back to his place, it starting raining heavier than ever but we didn’t seem to care about that. With our hands entwined and the soft sound of the rain beating at the window, he brought me upstairs and we ended back in his room. He went to sit down on his bed but I decided that, if we really wanted to talk about us, I needed to keep a certain distance between our bodies, or I wouldn’t have had the strength to talk at all. Finn didn’t seem to like my decision and I knew he couldn’t completely understand it, either. I sat down in a chair near his desk, without tearing my eyes away from him. I wanted to make him understand I sought being near him but I really couldn’t.

«What are you doing over there, girl?»

«You said we need to talk and I can’t do that if you keep your hands on me.» He smiled at me, nodded and laid back on his bed, like we were in a therapy session and I was his analyst.   
«Really Nelson, that’s how you want us to do this?» He nodded once again, without saying a word, and shut his eyes down.   
I wasn’t going to let him win this round so I played his own game and shut my eyes, too. As soon as he understood I wasn’t going to say anything, he cleared his throat and I briefly opened my eyes, just enough to see him staring at me from his bed. I closed my eyes again and softly smiled at myself, since I could already hear him fumble for words.

«I’ll tell you what: why don’t I ask you a question about out past and you answer me?» I opened my eyes and glanced at him, silently nodding.  
«Great, now let’s start with something easy: when did we first kiss and where?» I blushed a little while remembering our first kiss and he giggled like a little kid.

«What are you laughing at, dickhead?»

«Nothing, just… it’s nice to see you blush, it makes you more human.»

«More human? No way… nobody told you I come from another planet? No, better yet, another galaxy?» 

«Right, right, that’s enough, just answer the damn question, dickhead.»

«The first time we ever kissed was at a party, it was a Friday night, 19th of July, I think. At the beginning, we didn’t even have to go to that party but I convinced you that we were going to have a good time.»

«Why didn’t I want to go?» Now, how could I tell him that we had broke up after a simple day of being together? He would have just thought that I was shallow and that I hadn’t really cared about him and we would have been at the same point of four months ago.

«Well, the thing was we had just broke up and, for that very weekend, we had decided to stay at your place but I had told you I just wanted to be friends and you hadn’t exactly took it well.» He got up from his bed for a moment, just to sit down again, his head in his hands, and he looked back at me.

«Why did you break up with me in the first place?» God, was I really living all of that again? If I was finding hard enough talking about our break up, I couldn’t even imagine about talking to him of the psychiatric hospital and its consequences.

«I thought we would have been better as friends but I was wrong. I was already in love with you back then as you were with me but I still didn’t know that.» He smiled and breathed heavily, like he had been scared of hearing me saying nasty stuff about him, about the fact that he had treated me badly and that he had been the reason why I had broke up with him.   
«It wasn’t your fault Finn, at all, you were amazing, you always have been. The best boyfriend a girl could have ever asked for.» He blushed and looked away, worried I would have been able to read the weakness behind his eyes. 

«So, why did we kiss that night if we weren’t even together?»

«We had a row that night. Chop had convinced us to play spin the bottle and I got to kiss another bloke. You saw red and hit the guy, making him bleed and then you had a go at me, saying that you knew you weren’t enough for me but that I didn’t have to lie to you, I had to be honest and telling you I didn’t fancy you instead of taking the piss. Then you went upstairs and I followed you and, well, it happened, just like that.» I automatically laughed as I told him about that moment and he looked at me, visibly confused about my reaction. I was just talking about our first row and kiss and I was laughing about it.

«Why are you laughing now?» He couldn’t help but laugh, too.

«Because it’s funny. I remember feeling like shit for treating you like that, for making you believe that I thought you weren’t enough. You were more than enough, I was the one who thought I wasn’t good for you, that was one of the reasons why I broke up with you in the first place.»

«Were there many others?»

«Not that many, just one or two.» I tried to make our conversation a bit funny but he wasn’t laughing at all. I didn’t want to talk to him about the hospital right away but I knew that was where the conversation was headed.  
«The thing Finn is that… is that… well…» I knew I was about to break down; the last thing I wanted to do was crying in front of him but, I could feel myself loosing it. A tear crossed my face and that was enough for him to stand up from the bed and kneel in front of me. He was fucking scared, he didn’t know what to say or to do, he just put his hands on my legs and stood there, silently, waiting for me to calm down. His mere presence helped me as always and I whipped away those few tears who I couldn’t have kept inside. 

«If you want to change the subject, we can do that. I don’t want to push you into anything, Rae.»

«No, it’s just… we’ve already talked about this stuff and it shouldn’t be this hard on me.»

«It’s fine we can talk about something else. How about you tell me something I used to say to you? Besides “dickhead” and “girl”.» I smiled at him and I found myself loving him even more than I had ever done. 

«I know you said you don’t love me, at least, not right now but, I, I love you like crazy, Finn.» After my confession, he tried to spea up but I put my finger on his lips, shutting him down. This was my chance of making him understand how much he really meant to me, before going forward with my speech about the hospital.  
«Before you, I had no idea what love was. Damn it, I didn’t even know what kindness was. My mom was always away for work and I stayed in the house, on my own, and I went by for several days without seeing her.» 

It felt weird to be talking about that, about my past, with Finn: it was nothing he hadn’t heard before but, talking with him, with this “new Finn” felt like talking about it with a stranger and I wasn’t used to talk about me with people I didn’t completely trust. Maybe it was the fact that I already knew Finn and I knew I could have trusted him, he would have understood me this time like he had done it the first one but, still, it felt like an act of bravery from me. I wasn’t used to feel brave, to feel like I could actually conquer my biggest fear but, with him by my side, everything seemed so easier. 

«I had no friends, no people I could talk to. School was a shit, I didn’t like it there, all the girls were so fucking mean to me and I couldn’t really understand why. I mean, I know I’m not exactly a regular girl, you know like Chloe or Izzy but…»

«Chloe and Izzy have nothing more than you. You all have strengths and weaknesses and, yeah, you might not be like them on the outside but you are so beautiful girl, I can’t understand why you don’t see that.» I briefly smiled and stroke his cheek a bit. He was being as charming as always, even if he didn’t remember who he was, I knew he was still the same guy who I had fallen in love with. 

«Well, anyway, like I said, I know I am not like them but that doesn’t allow other people to treat me like trash.»

«Of course, nobody should make you feel less than perfect, because that is what you are Rae, you really are perfect.»

«Like I said, before you, I didn’t quite know what kindness was and, I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore so… so I… God, why is this so hard for me to say it?» I didn’t even finish my sentence but I knew Finn had understood what I had done to myself. I watched him stood up from the floor to his bed, his hands running behind his head, on his neck, he was visibly hurt and furious at the same time and something broke inside of me.  
Should I have waited before dropping the bomb? Was he trying to feel sorry or bad for me when all he wanted to do was throw up at the sound of my words? He kept running up and down his hands through his hair and, after what it felt like a lifetime, he finally looked back at me, without speaking.

«You’re disgusted, aren’t you?» His furious look turned into a confused one and he went back at holding my hands in his.

«Don’t you ever say that again. I could never be disgusted by you. EVER.» 

«Then, why were you acting like that? You told me to be honest with you.»

«And I’m glad you were, girl, I really am. I am so pleased that you trust me that much. The thing is that… I wish… I just wish I could have been around sooner, so that I would have been able to tell you how special you are.» As soon as those words left his mouth, my eyes were wide open. He had just said the exact same thing he had said outside the hospital, when I had met his nan.   
«What is it? Did I say something wrong?»

«No, no, of course not. It’s just that… you have already said those things to me once. When I met your grandma at the hospital.»

«My dad told me about that. He told me that as soon as I got home I was happy about taking you there because we had talked about something really important and that I came upstairs almost running.»

«Running? To do what?» He looked at his hands for a second and then he whispered “journal”. I wasn’t exactly understanding him until I saw him going through his drawers to find his journal. I was astonished, I had no idea he was keeping a journal, too. He looked at it, without opening it and he held it out for me to take it.  
Once it was in my hands, he sat on his bed again and asked me to read it, saying that it would have helped me remembering something.  
I was feeling extremely weird about that: I would have never wanted for him to read my diary, it was too personal for him to read my words but, he didn’t seem to mind that. Probably because he didn’t remember what he had written.

I opened the first page and realized we had started writing the same day: 10th of July 1996. I immediately smiled at the thought of us writing at the same time but, once I got to read the first sentence, I realized his diary was about me, all about me, and I closed it right away.

«What are you doing, girl?»

«I don’t think you would like for me to read this if you knew what it says.»

«Well, I’m guessing it talks about you, that’s why I want to read it for me. Like that, you can understand how I really felt about you and I can probably understand what linked us that much.» He was making his point and I couldn’t exactly deny I was extremely excited about reading his thoughts about me. About us.  
I bottled up and opened the diary once again.

«Wednesday, 10th of July 1996.  
Dear diary,  
I’m not sure why I suddenly feel the need of writing to you. Maybe it’s because today I’ve met someone who seems worth to be written about. Her name is Rae, and she’s so fucking beautiful, I don’t think I can’t even start to describe her to you. She’s like the sun and I am… well, I’m nothing really. She’s confident and brave but she’s already interested in someone else, fucking Archie. I love him like a brother but I hate watching him leading girls on. Why can’t he just admit he’s gay? We would love him the same.  
Anyway, like I was saying, Rae: she’s fucking perfect. Tonight, she left her house keys on a table and I offered Chloe to bring them back to Rae but, when I finally found her, she was standing there, in all her magnificence, and I fucked everything up, I also forgot her name for a brief second. That’s how beautiful she is, diary. She’s that perfect.  
I need to make her understand I like her and that Archie is not the right fit for her.  
I hope to see her tomorrow, well, today, since it’s already 2 AM, so it’s actually the 11th of July. She’s already doing in my head, I can’t even read a fucking calendar anymore.»

I found Finn looking intensively at me, after reading his first entrance in his diary. He was studying my reactions, my laughs, my thoughts, like he could read inside of my mind.  
«Why are you looking at me like that?»

«Because I remember those words, well, not exactly remember. I feel like they are mine even if I don’t recall writing them.»

«I had no idea you felt this way about me. Absolutely none.» 

«Come on, read some more. I want to know what I wrote when you broke up with me.» I didn’t want to read that part, I didn’t want to know how badly I had hurt him that night, over the phone. I had been a total bitch to him and, despite that, he had spent the entire night at my place, waiting to talk to me.

«Right, but don’t be mad at me, alright?»

«Why would I be mad at you? I mean, sure, I can’t understand how you could break up with such a gentle and caring soul like mine but…»

«Such a dickhead, Nelson.» He smirked at me and pointed with his finger at his journal. I flipped through the pages, until I got to the 18th of July, the day it all broke down.

«Thursday, 18th July 1996.  
Dear diary,  
I screwed up big time. How could I get from being with her to be alone again in one fucking day?  
Everything was going so good between us, she had even agreed to spend the weekend alone with me and now, she just broke up with me, over the phone. I don’t get this, I thought we were getting on but this afternoon we came home together and, I don’t know what I did but I must have done something because she flew home in an heartbeat. She came up with an insane excuse about helping her mum with something and she told me she couldn’t even see me tonight. I called her and I found out I was right, she wasn’t doing anything special and she broke up with me. Just like that. She didn’t even gave me the time to explain how much I care about her. Seems impossible after a week but I already love that girl, I need to get her back.  
PS. Today I got an answer from the army. I got in. Why was I that stupid to apply in the first place? What was I thinking?»

As I read about him being recruited for the army, a tear escaped my left eye. The war had put us both through so much and I didn’t want to read about that ever again. Thank God, Finn hadn’t mention anything about leaving again for Afghanistan and I hoped it would have stayed that way.

«Are you okay, girl?» 

«Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just that… you know, reading about the war, awakens bad memories, that’s all.» He nodded and patted with his hand the spot next to him on the bed. I knew we still had to talk about lots of stuff but, right then, I just wanted to in his arms and he wanted me there. As soon as I got over the bed, he put his arm around my waist and I put my head to his shoulder and we stood there like that for a minute or two.

«So, it turns out you broke up with me over the phone.» I could feel tease in his voice but I knew he was a little upset about what had happened between us.

«Yeah, it turns out I was a proper dickhead back then.»

«Why did you do it Rae? It’s not like I haven’t heard you the first time but you didn’t finish talking.»

«I really wanted to be with you, you were so good and kind to me, but, well, I guess, I felt like I didn’t deserve you because I couldn’t be with you like a proper couple.»

«You’re talking about sex?» I quietly nodded but he didn’t even let me start talking again, he wanted to speak up this time.  
«Look, I don’t know what kind of relationship we had but I know I would have waited for you Rae.»

«I know that now but, back then, I wasn’t this confident. I don’t know why you thought I was. Reading your journal made me realize you were thinking the best of me even when you didn’t really know me.»

«Because I already loved you Rae, it’s so clear to me now. Listening to my own words has been really helpful. And, to get back at you, about the fact that you love me and I don’t, I will get there, you just have to give me some time. This is all sort of new to me, I just need some time.»

«You take as long as you want, Finn, I’ll be here.» He picked up my chin with his left hand and brought our lips together. This time, his kiss was different; I still couldn’t feel the love he was used to put there but I knew he was starting developing a feeling for me. And maybe it was because I was carrying his child, or maybe it was because he really cared about me but, I was sure of one thing: I was getting my Finn back and, the thought of him never getting his memory back, wasn’t so scaring anymore. We would have built a new life together, new feelings and new memories and we would have been happy like we knew we would have been before his departure.


	14. Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for keeping you waiting this long.  
> Hope you like this.  
> The part in italic, in which Finn describes his feeling for Rae in the diary, it's taken from a song called, Fade into you by Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio.

Wednesday, 25th December 1996

Dear diary,  
Christmas is finally here and I am confident enough to say that this is going to be a good one. I have great friends, a new and healthy relationship with my family and, I have Finn.  
Still can’t believe we’re going to have a little boy around the house in 4 months.  
He’s definitely going to keep company to my little sister and, to be completely honest, I really can’t wait to meet them both. Our lives will be thrown upside down but, it’ll be good. I can feel it. For once, in my entire life, I am not scared.  
Two days until my birthday!!!  
4 months and a bit until the baby's due.

 

Even if Finn and I had found out about the baby’s sex two days before Christmas, I could still picture his perfect face and his smile, once the doctor had told us it was a boy. While we had been waiting, he had pointed out that all he wanted from this kid was its health but, deep down I knew he couldn’t have handled two Earl women.  
When we first heard his heartbeat, I tried to keep it together while Finn cried out like a baby and that’s when I knew he would have been a great dad but, with a girl, he would have just been too much of a softy parent and I would have inevitably been a pain in the ass. 

Since we had read some pages from his diary, everything had been perfect. Finn was the same gentleman I had met a few months before and we were in a good place. Unfortunately, his dad had insisted in bringing him away to see some old relatives for Christmas and, since I had to stick with my family for the holidays, we had spent together just the 24th. Not that it wasn’t good enough because we had spent the most incredible and romantic night together, talking about future and baby names but, we were both looking forward to spend Christmas day together and now, they had taken that away. Like, the war and his memory loss wasn’t good enough.  
I tried to be supportive, saying that seeing his family would have probably been good for his memory but I wasn’t too sure he hadn’t caught me lying. 

On the other hand, my mum had kept me busy with everything that could come up to her mind. I knew she was just trying to stop me from thinking about Finn all day long but I was extremely tired. Carrying a baby was starting to show its weight and strain.

«Rae, are you sure you checked the pie in the oven, yes?» My mum was yelling at top volume from her comfortable position, probably on the couch, and she was saying the same old thing again, for the million time.

«For God’s sake, yes, mum, I did. Jeez, why can’t you come here and help me out a little?»

«Because I am pregnant!»

«I am too, in case you didn’t notice.»

«Oh I did, trust me, I did.» As always, my mum, wasn’t exactly supportive of my decision of keeping the baby. Since she had found out about it, she had been lecturing me about the fact that I was too young to bring a new born into the world and she had been furious once she had found out Finn and I had decided to keep it.  
Well, to be honest, I would have kept him even without Finn’s approval and that was what probably set my mum off. She didn’t understand why I wanted to throw my life away for one moment of irrationality, that’s how she liked to call me having sex with Finn but, I had been quite strong on my position. Our baby had been created out of love, just like Finn had pointed out and, there was no way I wasn’t going to have him. He wasn’t going to ruin my life, he was just going to make it richer. 

«Mum, I think we should really talk about this.» I got out of the kitchen and approached her in the lounge.

«There’s nothing to talk about. I think you’re making a mistake and you don’t. End of discussion.»

«But we’re not even discussing about this. How can you talk about my child as a mistake?»

«I don’t think your child is a mistake, Rae. I just think you’re too young to have one.» 

«It’s not like I had planned this, okay? But, I can’t imagine giving him away, he’s growing inside of me, he’s a part of me, can’t you understand that?» She was now facing the TV, trying not to mind me or my words but I could see she was crying.  
«Mum, I promise you, Finn and I can handle this.» She turned off the TV and faced me, one last time before getting up from the couch.

«That’s the point Rae, I don’t think you can. You’re going to raise a child while you two are still children.» I knew what my mum was trying to say but I hated that she couldn’t have faith in me, in us. We had proved to be in a strong and good relationship. We were surviving major changes and, although we had been in love just for a few weeks, before his departure, we knew we were going to be together forever. At least I did.

«Mum, please, we’re not done with this…» I tried to convince her to come back and talk to me but she was already halfway to her bedroom. I got back to check on the pie in the kitchen, while the phone started ringing. I put the fork on the counter and went to answer. It was 10AM and I was already sick of people calling to say “merry Christmas”. I mean, why do they all have to call in the same 10 minutes of the day?

«Hello?»

«Is this the Earl house?» A man with a really weird voice was on the other side of the receiver. He was probably in his 40es and he had the flu, otherwise there was no other way he would have had that kind of voice. He almost sounded like a dying dog..

«Yes, who’s this?» I was scared and amused at the same. I was probably talking to a serial killer and I was about to laugh. What was wrong with me?

«I am looking for the prettiest girl in all Lincolnshire. I heard she lives there.» I couldn’t believe Finn was that good at hiding his true voice but, it was time to play at his own game.

«Aw George, stop being so cute all the time.» I could hear his breath stopping for a brief second and then he burst out of laugh, knowing I was just teasing with him. I couldn’t understand why he always showed a little bit of fear when I pretended to leave him. He should have known by now, I was his and he was mine.

«Merry Christmas girl.»

«You’re the first person I love hearing from this morning. Merry Christmas to you, too, Nelson.»

«So, who’s George?» 

«He’s the fittest lad in all Lincolnshire.»

«Then it’s a good thing he’s with the most beautiful girl around.»

«Right, stop messing around now, dickhead. What did you do this morning?»

«Actually, I am hating every single relative around but, fortunately, I brought my diary with me and I am reading the last pages. There are some interesting things that would make you laugh.»

«Well, if you wrote them, I’m sure they are pretty hilarious.»

«Who’s the dickhead now?» We spent like an eternity talking and laughing over the phone, or at least I thought it was an eternity since my mum had to come down to check the rest of the Christmas lunch for me. I loved that we were finally in a good place and we were teasing and treating each other like we used to do before his leaving, even if he doesn’t remember how things were.  
«So, what were you doing before I stole you away?»

«Just cooking.» A sonorous laugh left Finn’s mouth and almost ruined my hearing for good.  
«What are you laughing at, dickhead?»

«You were cooking? Seriously? Are you trying to kill them all?»

«As soon as you get back, I’ll show you my skills Nelson and then we’ll see who’s going to laugh.»

«I was just messing with you girl, you know I would love to taste your cooking.»

«You would love tons of things, wouldn’t you Nelson?»

«Well, now that you mention it…» He started mentioning all the possible and some of the impossible things we could have done if he could have been with me for Christmas but it felt so dirty and wrong to do that with my mum only two feet away from me.

«Sssh, my mum’s in the kitchen!»

«I knew you weren’t possibly cooking, girl.»

«Back to what were you saying, what would make me laugh about your diary?»

«Right, so, on August 8th, I wrote, and I quote: _if you were a window and I was the rain, I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain, I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through, then I’d just fade into you_.» I couldn’t believe the fact that Finn had been keeping a journal since the first time he had met me because he had felt like I was worth being written about but now, hearing his words, talking about me like I was some kind of muse, I wasn’t sure I could have kept the tears for myself any longer.

«I told you, you were the romantic type.»

«Yeah, yeah, you did, but I’m not done. The next day I wrote: _fucking army, what was I thinking? I should just grab Rae, take a flight to Las Vegas and get married ASAP so that, when I return home, she’ll be Mrs. Nelson_.» I wasn’t exactly sure I had heard the right words but I was pretty sure Finn wanted to marry me. We had been knowing each other for what, a month of actual relationship and two of love letters? And he already wanted to marry me?  
That was just insane.  
Then, it hit me: was “new” Finn using “old” Finn’s words to propose to me right now?  
Sure, I loved the guy but, was I ready to get married? I wasn’t even 17, for fuck’s sake. 

While I was still processing his words I noticed him being silent as well. This was one hell of a weird conversation.

«Right, ehm, I think my mum is calling me from the kitchen, she needs my help. Talk later, right?» I ended our talk before he could have had the chance of answering me and I got back to my mum, which had clearly noticed something was off.

«What is it, love?»

«I think… I think Finn just proposed to me.»

«Over the phone?»

«Yeah, I guess so.»

«God, this guy will be the ruin of this family. First the child, now the marriage. He clearly has issues with relationships.»

«What are you talking about?»

«Well, he can’t be with you without tying some kind of bond.»

«And that would be bad because…?»

«Well, because he should be happy with being with you and that should be enough. Please, tell me you’re not seriously considering marrying the guy, Rae.»

«I’m gonna say this just once, mum, and I hope you’ll understand it: I love Finn and he clearly loves me. The baby? We hadn’t planned it but we’re happy about it. The marriage? When two people love each other and are expecting a child, seems like a normal thing to do. Now, marrying him or not, that is up to me. That is my decision but you can’t talk about him like that, understood?»

«You can’t tell me what to think about people, Rae, I am your mum.»

«Yeah, you might be my mum, and I might be your daughter, but this is my life, not yours.» I didn’t want to yell at her, first of because we were finally on a good page after a long time, except for the baby, and second because she was as pregnant as I was, but I couldn’t tolerate her talking about Finn like that.  
She had been married twice, and now she finally knew what real love was. Until 4 months before I could have sworn I would have never find the right person, to love me, to understand me and, now that I had him, not just one random person but, the love of my life, the father of my child, I wasn’t going to loose him because my mum was dull.  
Fortunately, she cried it out and we both ended up hugging each other and asking for forgiveness to the other.

«I know you love him and that this is your life but, you’re my kid, I need to look out for you, don’t I?»

«You’re always going to be my mum and you’ll always be important for me, alright? Even if I’ll have a new family, you’ll always be my mum, okay?» She nodded on my shoulder and we kept hugging for like, an eternity, until someone knocked on the front door.

«You should get that, it’s probably going to be someone that wishes us Merry Christmas or some of that crap.»

«Wasn’t it enough that they called all morning long?» 

My mum went back to the kitchen, finishing the main meal of the day and I went wishing merry Christmas to whoever was on the other side of the door.  
Once I opened it, though, the surprise was major. Finn was standing there with a bunch of flowers in one hand and a shy smile on his face.  
Although I could see he wasn’t in the greatest shape, once I got to see his beautiful face, showing up at my front door, I knew what my answer was.

«Yes!» I thought I couldn’t have stopped smiling even if I wanted to, seen the amount of joy his proposal had brought to this Christmas.  
Best Christmas ever.

«Yes, what?»

«Now, who’s being the dickhead?»

«Eh, probably me, as usual.» He was really confused by my words. Was it possible that he was just referring old words from his journal or was he teasing me as usual?  
«Yes, to what? Oh right. Here.» He gave me the flowers and a peck on the cheek. He really didn’t know what I was talking about.

«I wasn’t saying yes to the flowers, Finn.»

«Oh, you don’t like them?»

«No, they are gorgeous, thank you. I was answering to your question.»

«Which question?»

«The one you asked me over the phone. The answer is yes, come on stop messing with me, this is a big deal.»

«I assure you, I’m not messing with you. Which question, girl?» I couldn’t believe I had got wrong all our conversation, He wasn’t proposing at all, just reading some old news. And, thinking a little better about his words, I remembered him saying that I was going to laugh at his words. He thought marrying me was some kind of joke and I had just said “yes” to his nonexistent proposal. Nice one, Rae.

«Why don’t we go upstairs for a moment?» He ran his hand on the back of his head and nodded, following me to my bedroom.  
«So, do you wanna sit?»

«I just wish you could tell me what’s going on here.»

«Why did you come here, Finn?»

«Because I thought you got offended by my words over the phone.»

«I wasn’t… well, “offended” isn’t the term I would use to describe my feelings.»

«What term would you use?»

«Happy? Flattered, maybe?» He opened wide his eyes, he really wasn’t understanding my words.

«You were flattered that I wasn’t thinking about marriage at all?»

«No, actually I thought you were kind of proposing.»

«Oh, I see. But… don’t get me wrong here please but, why would I propose?»

«Right… why would you… I don’t know how that idea came up to me.»

«I mean… we have been together like a week?»

I felt like a completely idiot as his words left his mouth. He wasn’t even remotely thinking about linking his life with mine, for good, and he was doing his best to make me understand marriage wasn’t on his “bucket list”.  
He was being harsher than usual though, he was treating our relationship like it was some kind of experiment, like, if we weren’t going to be happy in it, we were just going to drop it like it meant nothing but, there was a child involved this time and I couldn’t accept him talking like that.

«I know you don’t remember but I won’t let you talk about us like that. If you don’t wanna get married, that’s fine but, have some fucking respect.»

«I am sorry, girl, I didn’t mean to… I didn’t want to be rude.»

«Yeah well, try harder next time.»

«It’s just that, even before this week, we have been together three weeks, for a total of a month. Would you want to get married after a month of relationship?»

«I had never considered marriage but apparently the old you did and, talking about it like it’s some kind of joke, it hurts. You don’t know what we had and I have been doing my best not to put that on you, because it really isn’t your fault but, you’re treating our relationship like it’s nothing and, I am sorry, if you think I am a fool for loving you that much.» He came closer and held my face in his hands, while I kept crying like a baby. I was sad, true, but I hated that my hormones always got the best of me even when I really didn’t to cry.

«Hey, I don’t think you’re a fool, and, I love that you love me that much. I wish I could give you what you deserve Rae but I am still struggling with who I am. I know what we had through my journal but, to me they really are just words. I feel like I loved you in the past but, I am sorry, I can’t say it now if I don’t feel it. I would be a hypocrite and a liar and you don’t deserve that.»

«I don’t want you to say things you don’t feel but you can’t making fun of me because I thought you had proposed.»

«I won’t, I’m so sorry, girl. Come here.» I put my arms around his neck and he wrapped his around my waist. Even if we had been in a fight, having him around me, protecting me, always managed to calm me down. Every time we were together like that, I knew we were going to be okay, no matter what.  
«Honestly, love, I would have never proposed over the phone.»

«You would have never proposed in general, dickhead.»

«Cut it off, now. I’m just saying that I would have picked something more romantic. I don’t know, I would have showed up at your place on Christmas day with a bunch a flowers in my hand.»

«That’s what you did, dickhead.»

«I did, didn’t I?» I untied the hug and I went back to look at him in the eyes. Was he messing with me again?

«Don’t mess with me, Finn, I mean it.»

«I’m not, I’m serious.» I put my hands on both sides of my waist, trying to conquer some kind of serious position but I couldn’t really believe my ears.

«I said, don’t mess with me!»

«I am not, love, I mean it.»

«10 seconds ago you said you didn’t want to get married because you don’t love me.»

«Over the phone, while reading my words, I thought I would have laughed again but, since I was reading them to you, I felt like, you know, like I could feel my old self loving you. I’m not saying that I love you, because that would make me a liar after what I just said but, since the first time you entered into that hospital room, I knew it was you. I swear babe, I wanna marry you.»

«But, you literally just asked me why would you marry me.»

«Once you ended our conversation I thought you had got it all wrong, like I didn’t want to marry you at all, not now or ever so, I took my dad’s car and I “ran” over here. But, when you said “yes” I didn’t even think you were answering that question because, basically, I hadn’t proposed. And, then, in a moment, we were fighting so I tried to tease you up, by asking why would I marry you but you got it all wrong. By all means, it was a mistake, saying all those things but the only truth is that, I do wanna marry you babe, I do.»

«You wanna marry me, even if you don’t love me? That’s insane, Finn.»

«Maybe. Look, Rae, I know a few things about my life right now. But, what I do know is that I like you, like crazy, I dream about you every fucking night. You’re the mother of my child and you love me like no one else could ever do. I know I loved you, too, and I am sure that feelings will come back, sooner than later because, even now that I am in this mess called life, the only certainty is that I care about you and I wanna be with you. So…» Before I could even think about answering him again, he was already on one knee, a little red case in one hand and the other holding mine.  
«Rae Earl, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?»

«Where did you get that?»

«It was my nan’s. My aunt gave it to me, just before I left to come here.» He opened with a quick gesture the red case, to reveal a stunning emerald ring. I could have sworn I had never seen something more beautiful than that ring.

«It’s so beautiful, Finn, really.»

«So, you know… I would stay on my knee all day long but I’m still quite sore after…»

«Of course Finn, I’m sorry, get up.»

«Not until you answer me. Will you marry me, dickhead?»

«Yes, yes, I will marry you, dickhead, I will.» He got up in no time and he wrapped his arms around me, picking me up from the ground like he used to.  
«What took you so long?»

«Just waiting for the right dickhead to come around.»

«I think we can be positive after today you are the dickhead in this relationship.»

«Alright, just because you said “yes”, though. Tomorrow is a new day.» He tug a piece of hair behind my ear and he pressed his lips onto mine. He probably couldn’t tell he loved me, at least not in that moment, but I knew he felt it.  
His kisses were always trying to prove a point, trying to say all that he couldn’t say with his own words but, that day. He had done a pretty good job.  
«Speaking of tomorrow, girl…»

«You’re gonna bring me to Vegas?»

«No, but I am stealing you for two days.»

«Where to?»

«You’re not even arguing about this?»

«Two days out with my future husband. Should I argue about anything?» 

«Absolutely not, since I am taking you to a cottage my grandma had, up in Manchester.»

«You’re taking me to a cottage in Manchester for my birthday?»

«Why? Do you not like Manchester?» 

«No, it’s just that.. you know after the emerald ring I was thinking about Bahamas or something.» It took a few moments to him to understand I was teasing again. I would have never pictured a better birthday than a two days out in a cottage, on our own, away from everyone else. This was going to be the best birthday of my life.  
He started tickling me to get back at me for what I had just said but we just ended up laughing and kissing, laying on my bed.  
If this was what I was going to have as a married woman, I would have married the guy a thousand times more.


	15. When the time is right.

Saturday, 28th December 1996

Dear diary,  
from when I’ve started writing down all of my thoughts, my life has definitely changed for the better. If I only knew this sooner, I would have started writing since I was 5.  
The year is almost over and, for the first time in my life, I regret nothing. I am happy just the way that I am. Life, as sure as shit, didn’t go easy on me but, if all that I’ve lived has brought me to this point, I think it was totally worth it. I grew up, I learned and, most importantly, I lived.  
I’m not sure about what will happen in 1997 but I am quite positive to say it will be the best year of my life.  
3 days until New Year’s Eve.  
4 months and a bit until Finn and I meet our baby boy.

 

… 2 days earlier …

 

I would have never thought I was going to celebrate my 17th birthday with a guy, pregnant, out of town and, mostly, in love but, here I am, packing a small suitcase prepared to leave for Manchester for two days with my beautiful boyfriend/soon to be husband. I still can’t believe I said yes.  
Sure, when I thought he had proposed over the phone I had been thrown upside down but once I had thought he didn’t mean it, I was instantly sad. Finn had the ability of changing my mood in a matter of seconds but that was one of the things I loved most about him. He had always been the one who could make me feel different, who could make me experience things I had never thought I would live in my life.  
If I did have to get married I would have never imagined someone more perfect than Finn and, who cared if he didn’t love me just yet? He would have in the future. I knew he would have.

«Rae, are you ready? Finn is already out here waiting.»

«Almost there. Why don’t you let him in?»

«He said he’d be good waiting outside, it’s not like I can force the guy.» Since he had come home from the hospital he had been over to my place one time and, even that one, he hadn’t seemed quite comfortable. It was probably because he didn’t remember all the times we had spent together but it kinda hurt not having him around. I loved to just sit on my bed, remembering all the fun and crazy stuff we had been doing together and knowing they had happened in my house, made it all feel more realistic and intimate.  
However since he had been released, we had spent a lot of time at his place, where he felt more “safe” and I had never argued with that. The one thing Finn didn’t need right now, was someone pressuring him doing things he didn’t feel like doing. 

Once I finished packing I got downstairs and I knew my mum had some last minute recommendation. It wasn’t like she could say “don’t get yourself knocked up” so, why was she still there waiting?

«Spit it out, mum!»

«I didn’t say anything, Rae.»

«I know but it seems like you want to so, spit it out.»

«Well… I just wanted to say I’m sorry.» She was sorry? That was probably the first time my mum had ever sounded sorry in her entire life. She used to shrug every time she knew she was in the wrong but this time she had felt the need to say something. Maybe she really had realized she had went too far with the all “baby and marriage” thing but we had already cleared that up on Christmas’s day so, why was she at it, again?  
«I know I stepped out of line yesterday and I just wanted to make sure you knew I want the best for you.»

«I know that, mum, of course I do.»

«It’s just that… I accidentally overheard Finn’s proposal yesterday and… you should seriously reconsider this, Rae.»

«Didn’t you just say you were sorry about this?»

«I am. I am sorry for the way I have been speaking to you but I feel like you’re not thinking properly about this. It’s not that you’re young Rae, it’s just that…»

«We’ll talk when we get back, I really have to go now.» It wasn’t like I didn’t want to listen to her it was just that, I knew, deep inside, she was right. All those times I had repeated to myself “he will love you in the future, he will love you”, but, what if I had been wrong? I knew I would have been happy with him but, what if he knew someone else along the road and fell for her? What then?  
I had been so quick in saying “yes” without thinking clearly about this. It wasn’t the fact that we were young, it wasn’t that we were expecting either. It just felt rushed and all our relationship had been rushed from the beginning. Did I really wanted our wedding to be rushed, too?

«I hope you really think through this, Rae.»

«Don’t worry mum, I already am thinking about it.»

«Well then, have a happy birthday, love.» My mum had never been the hugging type but, that day, it seemed like she didn’t want to let me go, after all. Like as if she knew, once I had walked out from the door, I would have been out for good. 

Finn was waiting for me in his car, gorgeous as usual. He got out in a second once he spotted me and helped me out with the suitcase, not before placing a soft on my lips. 

«You look radiant today, girl.»

«My boyfriend does have that effect over me. You don’t look bad yourself.» He shyly smiled at me and put the suitcase in the car.

«Yeah, my girlfriend has the same effect on me, too.» He went to open the passenger door for me and held out his hand for me to take it. I still couldn’t believe he was such a gentleman at his age. Most guys are twats and dickheads but Finn was something else. My something else.  
Through the entire trip we listened to music, sang together, teased each other, stole kisses once every three seconds; we couldn’t go on long without missing each other’s lips.  
Manchester was two hours away and that gave me enough time to think about us and our situation. It wasn’t like my mum’s words had had some kind of twisted effect on me, those were all things I had thought about from myself but, it was inevitable: once your own mother tells you that you should reconsider your options and choices, you do wonder about them more than you should.  
I still wanted to share my life with Finn, how could I have not wanted to but, maybe, just maybe, everything had been too sudden. I was sure we would have spent our lives together but, getting married seemed way too quick.

«Rae… what are you thinking about?» Despite his memory loss, I was still the same open book of before to Finn. While I had been thinking about us and our future, I had let my eyes wander over him for way too long and he had become suspicious.

«Nothing, just enjoying the view.»

«That is not fair. I am driving and I can’t quite do the same.» I smiled and ran a hand through his hair. All that thinking about our marriage wasn’t something I could do on my own. We were together in this and I needed to share my opinions and doubts. Waiting for Manchester had been easier than I had thought, probably because I was extremely scared by his reaction. Not even 24 hours ago I had been thrilled about marrying him and now I was already reconsidering it. I knew what it would have seemed like but I wasn’t exactly reconsidering the all thing: I knew, in a near future, I would have married him, just not now.  
«Here we are, girl. Manchester.» I looked around and the place seemed beautiful. His cottage shouldn’t have been too far from we were and instead of being happy, I started panicking. I hated finding myself in that position, especially when I was so happy about spending two days with Finn. He knew something was wrong but I could tell he didn’t know what to say or what to do. Ever since we had been together again I had been patient and he had been supportive but there had been some moments in which we had both been speechless. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you say; the mere fact of being there, makes everything a little easier and being with him made me feel as safe as I had been the first time. The panic went away as soon as he stopped the car and laid his eyes over me. His look was comprehensive and kind as always and, if I hadn’t been that nervous, I would have took him in and probably melted. 

«Let’s go inside, then.» I just wanted to get out for some fresh hair but he grabbed my hand for a split second and tightened the grip for a bit. We didn’t need words like the rest of the world; one look was always enough for us. 

«You’re okay, girl?»

«Never been better. Now, let’s go.» He smiled and we got out of the car. He had ran to open the door once again but I had been faster and I had let myself out. 

«You need to let me be the gentleman today, Rae.»

«You always are the gentleman so, don’t you worry.» He smirked and came closer. All I needed to concentrate on our getaway was having him close and, somehow, he had understood it. He cupped my face with his hands and I put my arms around his waist. My back was now resting on the side of the car and he was firmly pressed against me. Since he had come back home we had never been together like that again but I could feel he wanted us to get back to be ourselves. He pressed his lips onto mine and he deepened the kiss. One of his hands left my face to gently caress my back, to bring me even closer to his body. I opened my legs a bit so he could get more access and he pressed himself into me even more.  
After a moment, he removed his lips from mine, barely breathing.

«We… we s-should get inside now, girl.»

«Yeah… yeah we should do that.» He took my hand into his and led me into the cottage. The place was extremely beautiful, you could easily understand someone was taking good care of it. As soon as you entered, there was a giant living room and, on the back, a little arch that gave on the kitchen. On the left of the front door there was a winding staircase, that probably led to the bedrooms and right under the staircase there was a small door that, on my account, led to the bathroom. The place was cosy and romantic, I would have never wanted to spend my birthday anywhere else. 

«Oh, Finn we forgot the…» Finn was still standing behind me, letting me taking in the rest of the house when, all of a sudden, he smashed the door behind us and grabbed my hand, pushing me to the nearest wall. In a moment his lips were over mine once again, his hands wandering all over my body and I got so blindsided I didn’t even get the chance of returning his kiss that he was already pushing him away from me, afraid of going to far.  
«The… the suitcase in the car…»

«I’m sorry, was I too harsh? I was, wasn’t I?» He ran his hands through his hair, visibly upset and went for the door to collect the suitcase from the car. I immediately stopped him, putting myself between him and the door. 

«You weren’t… harsh… not at all.» I tried to stay focused but I already knew I was blushing because I could clearly see a little smirk on Finn’s face. I wasn’t sure about what I was doing, I had never been the seductive type of girl but I found myself acting like one. I stepped back, until my body was leaning against the front door and he silently walked over me. His eyes never left mine, not even for a second and I could feel the air getting thickener around us.  
I had already been naked with him but this was like a second first time. All of my doubts were still there but, the look in his eyes, the way he tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and placed his lips onto mine, made everything go away. I was still his like the first time and I knew he would have stayed. I knew he would have loved me.

The kiss deepened quickly, we had both been thinking about it for quite some time, now. He wasn’t being harsh at all, he was just being kind of possessive and I loved that new side of him. It felt like I was the only one thing he truly wanted and he was screaming to have it. He picked me up and laid me under him on the couch. I could feel his boner pressing against me and his right hand wandering over my inner thigh. His touch was both gently and keen, he wanted to have me.  
My hands entwined on the back of his head and I tried to bring him even closer to me. In a rapid move, he got himself rid of his jacket and shirt and he helped me to the same with mine. Our chests were now colliding and having him back there, his hands over my breast, felt like coming home after a very long time. I didn’t know how much I had missed that until we were both at it.  
While he was busy kissing my collarbone and teasing my entire body, I tried to regain some composure and unbuckled his belt. He let out a groan as my hand reached out for his cock and he concentrated his lips on a particular spot on my neck. 

Two minutes later both our trousers were laying on the floor and, with a quick move, he unhooked my bra and let it fall, too. His hands were now expertly moving onto my breast, once again, and, using his lips, he was sucking and teasing like he had never done before.  
While I was still touching him, inside his pants, one of his hands reached with a soft move for my wetness and he slowly moved a finger inside me, letting me moan loudly.

«I am still thinking about why we didn’t do this sooner.» He smiled and put another finger inside but I could barely keep it anymore.  
«Don’t come, at least not yet.» He pulled his fingers out, leaving me unsatisfied and went back on kissing me, being sure he wasn’t teasing me enough to come. I wasn’t exactly sure about what he was doing but I knew it was going to be an endless torture.

Once he knew I was calm, he put a finger inside of me again, then two and, kept on circling my sweet spot with his fingers. I was sure I was on the edge of coming and, after smirking a bit, he let out his fingers again, just to be sure I wouldn’t come.

«Why are you teasing me like this? I want you.» I took his pants off and I did the same with mine before he could even say a word and I dragged him onto me to kiss him. He smiled on my lips and deepened the kiss, entering his tongue. I tried to guide his cock to my entrance but once I took it in my hands again, he groaned louder than before and parted his lips from mine, took my hands in his and brought my arms up on my head.

«Now, don’t move.» I quietly nodded, not sure on why he was acting like this but, I didn’t have to think through it a lot because, in a second his lips were at my entrance sucking and licking like they had been doing on my breasts a few minutes earlier.  
Two of his fingers were inside me along with his lips and tongue and after not releasing two orgasms, I came undone, harder and louder than I had ever done. 

«You’re the devil, Nelson.»

«Am I? Really?» He came to my lips once again and kissed me with more passion and kindness than before. Once we parted, I smiled at him and nodded.

«Definitely the devil. But you’re in luck since I love devils.» He looked at me with nothing but love in his eyes and I knew we were going to be so happy together.  
His memory loss was not a frightening thing anymore. Even if he would have never got it back, we would have been fine. 

«I love you, too.»

«What?»

«I don’t know why it took me so long but, I love you, Rae, I really do.»

«But… just yesterday you were saying that…»

«I know what I said but I was being a dickhead, as usual. I do love you Rae.» I was happy he had finally said it but I couldn’t help but think he wasn’t being honest. There was no way a guy could change his mind in less than a day, so why was he saying it right now? I smiled at him, I didn’t want to say anything to hurt him but I wasn’t in the mood of being with him. I collected my clothes from the floor and got up from the couch.  
«Where are you going, love?»

«I need to use the bathroom, it will just take a moment.» He nodded but he knew something wasn’t quite right. I locked myself in for twenty minutes, until he finally came knocking on the door. I wished he could have just waited for me, to cool off some anger I was building up but he clearly wanted to know if I was feeling ill or if he could do something to help. My brain was screaming “yes, you could leave” but my mouth wasn’t having it.

«Babe, is everything alright in there?»

«Yes, I’ll be out in a minute.»

«You said the same thing twenty minutes ago. Can I come in?»

«I told you I’ll be out in a minute, why do you have to keep asking?»

«I’m sorry… I was just…never mind. I’ll be out here then.» I could hear him walking to the couch and sit down. I was acting like a total freak but my brain just wouldn’t shut up! What normal girl starts panicking when her own boyfriend tells her he loves her? I had been waiting for that sentence to come out of his mouth for days and, now that he had actually said it, I was acting like a crazy person.  
I washed my face and hands and got out, hopefully not to an angry Finn.

He was sitting there, on the couch, in nothing but his boxers and he was beyond sexy. If I hadn’t been disappointed in him for telling me a lie I would have thrown myself onto him in a second. He got up as soon as he spotted and came closer but I just went for the couch, completely ignoring him.

«Are you feeling sick, girl?»

«Nah, I’ll be fine. Sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean to yell at you.» He shrugged and came to sit next to me, one of his kindest smiles upon his lips.

«Don’t need to worry about that. I can handle a pregnant woman, especially when she’s pregnant with my child and she’s going to be my wife.» He put his arm around me and let my head resting on his chest. I could hear the sound of his heart, beating stronger and suddenly, I felt at home, as usual.

«About that… I wanted to talk to you about something.»

«Sure, what is it? Although I have to warn you: if you want a fairy tale wedding we’ll have to wait, something like, five years, because I can’t afford that, right now.» While he was talking I could clearly see a smile on his face; he was happy thinking about us being together, about us getting married and becoming a family and, just in that brief moment, I had thought: what if he was sincere? What if he really loves me now? What if I’m just being paranoid, because I can’t quite believe a man like Finn Nelson can love me twice? Who am I to deserve such luck in only one life?

«No, it wasn’t about that but… we could, I mean… yeah, we could wait… five years.»

«What?» His talking became more like a whisper. He was confused and yet, upset, by my words. He wasn’t sure he had got it right but he knew I was being honest.  
I got away from his sweet hold and got up to face him. We needed to have a truthful conversation about our wedding, since it would have affected our entire life.  
«You don’t wanna marry me anymore?»

«No, I didn’t say that… I just said…»

«That you could wait five years, which means you don’t want to marry me now.»

«I just believe it would be too soon, that’s all.»

«Unbelievable!» He got up from the couch, yelling and, for the first time,. I wasn’t sure he didn’t mean to do it in the first place. I was comfortable with kind and quiet Finn but, this one, this new version of him, was still a little strange. Sure, we had fought back in the days but, this time, I could feel he was real pissed.  
He turned back to face me and he was red in his face.  
«You were pissed at me, just yesterday, because you thought I didn’t want to marry you. Then, I proposed and you said ‘no’ because I didn’t love you. Then, you reconsidered it and you said ‘yes’. Now I say that I love you and you say that you wanna wait? I mean, I can’t keep up here Rae. Could you please tell me, for one fucking time, what do you want?” 

«I want YOU! I want to marry you, to have your kids but, it’s too damn soon. I’m sorry for saying ‘yes’ so quickly but…»

«You’re sorry? I don’t give a fuck that you’re sorry, you keep on changing the cards here Rae and I am sick of this. Why can’t you just be honest with me? I need someone stable in my life right now, someone that can give me the strength to keep going. Can you be that person for me?»

«Of course I can, just… just not as your wife.»

«You think I can’t make you happy, right? You think I’m not enough.»

«What the hell are you talking about? I love you, you already make me happy just by standing there. You are more than enough.»

«Then, why you don’t wanna marry me, I just don’t get it.»

«Why do you wanna marry me?»

«Because I love you and I want you to be my wife.»

«Yesterday you said that you couldn’t tell me you loved me and now you say that is the reason you want to do it? That doesn’t make sense.»

«Why do you need to find a sense in everything? Just… just be with me and our kid. As a family.»

«So, that’s the real reason. You think I’ll leave you and the kid if we don’t get married?» He stood there, in complete silent, watching over me and then brought his eyes to his feet. The absence of his mother in his life had left in him a huge gap and, even if he didn’t remember her and all the pain now, that didn’t mean he didn’t still feel a hole inside of him. I got closer, trying to make sense into this but he stepped back.  
«I won’t be going anywhere. I couldn’t even if I tried. I love you, Finn Nelson, and, maybe you love me, maybe you don’t but, for now, my love will be enough.»

«I do love you, I just said it, Rae. Why can’t you believe me?»

«Because it’s impossible for me to understand why I got so lucky to have you twice in my life, twice in love with me. It’s just too damn luck.»

«I am the lucky one for having you around, twice, in my life. I don’t know if I treated you right the first time but, what I do know is that I will do it this one.»

«You treated me perfectly and you keep on doing that. So, if I’m a little skeptical about this wedding, just know that I’m not doing it because of the groom. The groom is the right one.»

«So, we’ll just wait for the right time on the wedding, because I already have the perfect bride, too.» He smiled and pressed his lips onto mine with a firm move. In a moment we were back on the couch and I was laying under him, just like before.  
«About earlier…»

«I don’t think talking is a good idea.» He helped me getting out of my clothes and he picked me up, bringing me upstairs to his bedroom. Our lips never parted for more than two seconds and, when they did, they were busy with other parts of our bodies. Finn might have lost his memory but he was still the same sex wizard of always. Once he entered me he had gone slowly for it but I, caught by an unusual need, I had told him to go faster, to go harder and we had ended fucking more than making love but that didn’t matter, it still was one of our best times. 

We spent all day and the next one in bed, teasing each other and making love. Being with him in that intimate way again, felt so good we had actually thought about staying there for all eternity. All we needed was food and water and for the rest, we had us and that was quite enough.

__________________

 

Wednesday, 26th December 2001

Dear diary,  
it’s been a while since I have written something on you. I know I’ve been keeping one through all that’s happened but still, you were my first one and since there’s still one blank page, I’m gonna tell you all about my new and happy life.  
Finn and I are great, with our baby Carter around the house and one on its way. Although, this time, it’s a girl. Still not married but we’re going stronger than ever. We both went to university and, despite the distance, we managed to keep our relationship in a good place.  
I work in a record shop at the moment and he works at a gym with Archie.  
Izzy and Chop got married last year, can you believe that?  
Chloe has a boyfriend of her own as well as Archie. Everyone is in a good place with their lives, even Kester, who has found the right woman for him. He’s still in my life and I go check with him from time to time. I have Finn now but I’m not shutting anyone out. My friend Tix got out from the hospital three years ago and she’s going strong. She also has a boyfriend, Danny, and they’re the funniest couple of all times. My mum and Karim are super happy and busy with baby Jasmine and she’s a wonder. Finn is probably more in love with her than she is with me. Just kidding!!!  
Unfortunately, Finn hasn’t got his memory back and, although he hates not remembering his life, he assures he’s happy with me and little Carter and that he couldn’t have imagined a better life for him.  
Although we are very busy we still find some quality time for us as a couple and he always makes sure I know how much he loves me.  
We live together, in a small and cosy place not too far from where my mum lives but, we still have our privacy. It’s like living in heaven.  
I can finally say it: I love my life.

 

«Rae, can you come down love. Finn has arrived!» We had come home for two days, to spend the holidays with our families and Finn had spent the day with his dad. We had spent Christmas all together and we had been extremely happy. My mum loved Finn as much as Gary loved me and they were both crazy about little Carter.  
I walked down the stairs to find Finn standing right at the end of the staircase with a bunch of roses in his hand. As soon as he spotted me, he smiled.

«I love you.» He was happy, insanely happy, and I couldn’t quite tell why. With the years, I had learned to read him as well as he did with me but, this time, something was different. His look was different, his smile was wider, he was quite a different Finn but I could still recognize him as my own. My mum and Karim had left the room and now there was only Carter playing with Jasmine on the floor.

«Babe, these are awesome and, I love you, too.» I placed a chaste kiss on his lips and he put a hand on my back to keep me close but he parted our lips and brought his to my ear.

«No, girl. I am home, I am looking at you and I am telling you, I love you.» I still didn’t understand his need of being so romantic. He always had been quite the gentleman but this time, something had changed. I looked him in the eyes still a little confused and he kept on going.  
«Do you remember what I promised you as soon as I left for Afghanistan, 5 years and a bit ago?»

«Yeah, you said that as soon as you laid eyes on me you would have said you loved me and I knew you… you were home. Oh God, do you remember this?» He smiled again and picked me up, spinning around the room.  
«Put me down dickhead, put me down!»

«I remember it all, darling, I remember every single thing. I am back, baby, I am finally back!» He pressed his lips onto mine and he deepened it with all the passion and love he could have in him. We had been contacting doctors all over the world and they all have said the same thing. And now, there we were, five years later, still going strong as the first day, and we had finally made it. We both got our memories back, we both knew our all history and we were ready to continue ours.  
«I think, this… this is the right time, babe.»

«The right time for what?»

«To get married.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support and for reading this! I really, truly, appreciate this!  
> I'll be posting a new fanfiction soon and I hope you will read it as well as this one!


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